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"Authoritarian" Cameron slammed for confiscating Clegg's shoes 0
sydalg 20.07.13 9:18am
sydalg
Report reveals G4S failed vital pre-Olympic "piss-up in brewery" test 0
sydalg 20.07.13 9:17am
sydalg
Supper hopes fading for lost Isle of Wight mountaineers

Three intrepid pensionsers who set off to climb Shanklin Chine, a notoriously steep natural gorge in the Isle of Wight, have not been sighted in the best part of two hours. According to experts, the...

25
Oxbridge 20.07.13 8:40am
Yikes
Homeopathic Medical Practicioners to Receive Homeopathic Payment

"Their pay packets may [i]look[/i] as though they are empty, but actually they [i]used[/i] to have some money in them, which of course makes these payments far more powerful than just ordinary money"...

1
Titus 20.07.13 8:08am
Lindy Moone
Charles Claims Kate Has Already Given Birth To Homeopathic Baby

"It's just that it isn't readily detectable by conventional medicine" claims the homeopathic grandfather...

0
Titus 20.07.13 8:03am
Titus
Kate continues aversion to any kind of labour 3
cinquecento 20.07.13 8:02am
Yikes
Price Charles Sends Apparently Blank Sheet Of Paper To Health Minister

Although there are rumoured suggestions that it might have actually been a photocopy of the back of a photocopy of the blank sheet of paper in a notepad underneath the sheet on which the prince had...

0
Titus 20.07.13 8:01am
Titus
Shock as Kate admits faking pregnancy to cover weight gain

The world is in shock as Princess Kate admitted faking her pregnancy as a cover for weight gained from eating a couple of cream cakes too many nine months ago. The admission came shortly after a...

1
Yikes 20.07.13 8:01am
Yikes
Kid Goes Cross-Eyed, Face Gets Stuck That Way

[i]"Serves Him Right," Says Boy's Parents.[/i] Despite repeated warnings from his parents, an area boy kept going cross-eyed, and now his face is stuck that way. "We warned him," stated Sheryl...

1
jmg16 20.07.13 7:24am
Titus
Frenzy at Kate's hospital as porter with laundry basket heard shouting "push!"

(What I really wanted to say was 'Press frenzy at St Mary's hospital as porter with heavy laundry basket heard shouting "Push, you daft cow!" to auxiliary nurse', but there wasn't enough space.)...

1
Arthur 20.07.13 7:14am
Titus
Pensioner Demands Free Shopping Trolley

"I know my rights" said Beryl Knight of Accrington, shortly after collecting her first week's old age pension. "I've had me false teeth for ages, I've always worn glases and I got a hearing aid last...

2
Titus 20.07.13 7:11am
Titus
Palace deny cygnet rumour 2
FlashArry 19.07.13 11:53pm
Arthur
Kate: "Perhaps We Shouldn't Have Relied On G4S To Deliver The Baby"

More babies mislaid later...

1
Titus 19.07.13 11:31pm
Squudge
Judge rules that all swan-related humour "is also property of the Crown" 3
FlashArry 19.07.13 11:29pm
Squudge
Swans Decide That All Royal Babies Are Property Of The Crown

"Well we certainly don't want 'em" said a swan yesterday "humans are rubbish - they don't even lay proper eggs. What kind of incompetent way is that to breed?"...

0
Titus 19.07.13 11:08pm
Titus
Terrorists Become More Considerate

Apparently the Taliban have apologised to Malala Yousafzai for trying to kill her, or at least for giving the impression that they shot her for going to school whereas what they really wanted to do...

1
Titus 19.07.13 11:04pm
FlashArry
Left alert re-post: Ten top tips to stay cool in the heatwave

As Britain continues to swelter under the sun, we take you through our top ten tips to stay cool in this hot hot hot weather: 1) Offer to do the shopping for an elderly friend or relative. The...

2
Mandy Lifeboat 19.07.13 9:55pm
Squudge
UK 'thankful' for drought aid from Ethiopia

Ethiopia has answered the prayers of millions of sunstriken Brits this week after a '£2 per-month' charity appeal aired on local TV networks received a huge response across the African nation, who...

6
Jesus H 19.07.13 7:41pm
Jesus H
Queen Gives Swans Permission To Eat Vegans

[Hat tip to Dick De Menthe] With much of their natural food supply depleted by sustained unusually warm weather, Her Majesty has granted her swans the right to hunt, attack and eat 'all thoose...

4
Titus 19.07.13 6:51pm
Squudge
Tsarnaev looks even cooler in police photos than on "Rolling Stone" says public

The leaked police photographs of the suspected Boston Marathon bomber, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, which show him just before his arrest, are way cooler than the photograph of him on the cover of "Rolling...

3
jamsieoconnor 19.07.13 5:39pm
Squudge
Topless men banned from supermarket, you'll never se a nipple in a Tesco Express

Every nipple helps!...

2
Ian Searle 19.07.13 5:24pm
Squudge
Kate Endorses Old Tory Election Slogan 'Labour Isn't Working'

Wonder what jokes we'll post when the baby eventually arrives...

1
Titus 19.07.13 4:55pm
Wrenfoe
Police Fraud Squad Question Kate & Wills In Spot-Fixing Investigation

Suspicion of massive bribes being offered by shadowy asian bookmaking syndicates, relating to bets on dates of royal births, have led to the parents being questioned by police...

1
Titus 19.07.13 4:55pm
Wrenfoe
Detroit bankrupt betting on Royal Birth

The once great industrial city has been saddled with debts of at least $15bn after a series of audacious bets related to the Royal delivery. The Office of the Mayor of Detroit was forced to release a...

5
Wrenfoe 19.07.13 4:52pm
Wrenfoe
Children's author creates Fifty Shapes with Clay after online course 3
Dick Everyman 19.07.13 4:42pm
Dick Everyman
EU bailout for detroit imminent

Talks are well under way for a €15bn bail out for the struggling city in Michigan. Decades of low growth and poor exports are expected to be turned around by a new austerity policy promoted by...

0
tomholder 19.07.13 4:00pm
tomholder
Investigation finds Asiana pilots training lacked YouTube tutorials 0
Dumbnews 19.07.13 3:32pm
Dumbnews
Search continued for person who lobbied David Cameron

Speculation is growing as to the identity of the person who lobbied David Cameron in the study with the sharpened pencil. Leaks from No 10 confirm that someone has been inappropriately influencing...

0
tomholder 19.07.13 2:47pm
tomholder
Chefs Rating Agency upgrade Britain from "medium" to "well done"

Things are looking for up in Britain as the country is upgraded from "medium" to "well done" after a recent run in the microwave. While some of the public have expressed doubt about the current...

0
tomholder 19.07.13 2:34pm
tomholder
Apple overlook teen who can strum and whistle at the same time.

A clean cut teenage kid who looks good in denim and a crewneck T is taking Apple to court for discrimination having failed to be offered a part in any of their commercials. David Turner, whose real...

4
Boutros 19.07.13 2:34pm
Wrenfoe