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Obama impressed with Good Ol' Pal Dave 0
Drylaw 3 years

"We had just the darndest time together, I swear," said President Obama enthusiastically as he waved farewell yesterday to his new best friend, Britain's PM. Standing on Washington Airport's runway...

Nuclear catastrophe as physicist attempts to combine pasta with antipasta 2
Smart Alex 3 years
Irish characters could get third type of incidental music in theme tune shakeup 2
StoopyDeGunt 3 years

The current incidental music laws, which govern the types of theme tune that can be played when when any thing or body Irish is seen on TV, could be dramatically widened under new liberalistion moves...

UK Border Agency replaced by moat and drawbridge. 0
Boutros 3 years

The UK is to scrap its Border Agency and Border Patrol in an effort to save cash. Taking advantage of the nation's island status, the English Channel is to be renamed The Moat. A drawbridge and...

Home Secretary agrees schoolboy extradition to US 1
Earl Van Dyke 3 years

Home Secretary Theresa May has agreed the extradition to the US of 9 year old Justin Beesley of Gosport in Hampshire who was accused earlier this week by US Customs and Immigration Agency of...

Police slammed over missed chance to arrest Jeremy Clarkson 1
apepper 3 years

The police have been severely criticised for driving past Jeremy Clarkson's house without stopping to arrest him. During the regular trips to Rebekah Brook's residence to deliver horses and carry out...

Go-between accussed of being liaisy. 3
beau-jolly 3 years

What did I do with me coat?...

Dieticians demand ban on 'indoor beefing' 2
3 years

With growing evidence that red meat could be an obstacle to immortality, health experts are urging the government to consider a ban on 'indoor beefing'. Doctor Mallory Hitchens thinks the dangers of...

Man walking dog finds ground-to-air missile installation in woods 0
Scroat 3 years
Government to subsidise visitors to London during Olympics 1
AndyOverhead 3 years

David Cameron has today declared that Banks and Building Societies will be given funding to assist those who plan to stay in Hotels in London during the Olympics., Plans for council house tenants to...

Government to insist on strict new driving test for The Undead 2
Gary Stanton 3 years

Members of the undead community may be forced to retake driving tests after complaints that they drive too slowly and cause major tailbacks, sources have revealed. The recommendation comes as new...

Water shortage: Don't see red, use your butt instead 0
weematt 3 years

Public advisory – hosepipe ban areas. People living in the hosepipe ban areas are advised to save rainwater by placing their butts under a rainwater spout during any rainfall. Whilst this is an...

Fiennes to take Newcastle Beauties to South Pole 1
Mark Gregory 3 years

To mark the 100th anniversary of Scott reaching Antarctica, Sir Ranulph Fiennes is seeking to recruit young women from Newcastle for his next trip to the South Pole. The veteran explorer said...

Brooks allowed home after "Coming over all unnecessary" 0
Drylaw 3 years
Striking Librarians Bring National Chaos 0
Mark Gregory 3 years

The nation has been plunged into chaos following a lightning strike today by librarians and library assistants, protesting against public sector spending cuts. The doors of hundreds of libraries...

Pope Benedict is just an old German guy full of shit, says taxi driver 0
roybland 3 years

The Pope is just an old German guy full of shit, according to London taxi driver Bruce Hicks. And Mr Hicks says that the Archbishop of Canterbury is also full of shit. Mr Hicks, who is well-known...

Lords Resistance Army announces policy shift. 2
dammit 3 years

The child brutality and murder community was reported to be ‘in shock’ last night after the surprise announcement of a ‘paradigm shift’ in the operational tactics of the terrorist group...

Hosepipe ban to hit colonic irrigation practitioners 2
JustSomeBloke 3 years

More to come...

Experts disagree on who can be labelled an Expert 0
Dumbnews 3 years
Scots to limit caffeine in alcohol, too many MSPs awake during debates 0
weematt 3 years

The Labour party in Scotland have proposed setting a maximum limit to the amount of caffeine in alcoholic drinks. Debates in the Scottish Parliament have been taking far too long due to MSPs...

Angela Merkin - did they throw the wrong bit away? 0
JustSomeBloke 3 years
Police cell prices shoot up in price after celebrity endorsements 0
apepper 3 years

Thousands of police cells have become sought after accommodation following many wealthy celebrities moving in to them. "It used to be quite cheap to get a cell.", explain PC World, "12 cans of lager...

London rappers hit by hose ban 0
apepper 3 years

Rap artists in London and the South-East of England have been forced to rewrite many of their lyrics following the ban of hoses...

Hornpipe Ban “may ease drought conditions” says Royal Navy. 0
nickb 3 years

Sailors are to ban the hornpipe as part of a plan to ring much needed rain to the South of England. The Sailor’s Hornpipe is traditionally associated with a plea for fine weather, and the Ministry...

Anti 'nanny state' campaign founders as public asks 'what's a nanny?' 1
Skylarking 3 years

A major new campaign to roll back the so-called ‘nanny state’ has been pulled after only two weeks. The multi-million pound campaign ‘No to Nasty Nanny Oversight!’ (NNNO!) was pulled...

Pub-name row as ‘The Hobbit’ forced to rebrand as ‘The Hairy-Footed Midget’ 0
grumblechops 3 years

Following a legal notice from the Hollywood production company behind the Lord of the Rings (LOTR) films, Southampton pub ‘The Hobbit’ says it has no option but to change its name, with the...

Leading scientists mystefied by how to buy pants that fit 0
Dumbnews 3 years
Racialist anagram writer just being satirical 7
simonjmr 3 years
Cyberdyne Systems to install smart meters in the UK 2
Landfill 3 years The government has announced that every home in the UK is to be fitted with a smart meter, a device that measures precisely the amount of gas and...

Struck off dermatologist stops making rash decisions. 0
JETFAB 3 years