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Music-for-gameshow-headphones contract secured by Cradle of Filth

The battle to secure the rights to supply the music for the contestants' headphones on All Star Mr & Mrs has been won by Suffolk-based extreme metal outfit, Cradle of Filth. "We need the...

0
jamsieoconnor 04.10.12 12:18am
jamsieoconnor
Survey Shows Definitively that House Prices are “All Over the Shop”

An analysis of house price surveys conducted during 2012 has concluded that prices are going up, down, and staying static all at the same time. “It’s an effect known as ‘Schrodingers Estate...

9
Quaz 03.10.12 11:36pm
Quaz
Simon Cowell's New Show To Find Official Best Thing Since Sliced Bread

Simon Cowell today announced that his latest ITV talent show will for the first time feature inanimate as well as animate objects as he invites the public to vote for the official best thing since...

11
Carter 03.10.12 11:12pm
Perks
EU to split high street banks into 'heartless bastards' and 'reckless fuckwits' 4
FlashArry 03.10.12 9:21pm
Runestone Cowboy
West Coast Line

An expert claims takeover of the West Coast line is at a crossroads. An even bigger expert points out you don't get crossroads on train lines and is more likely to be a junction...

0
george.scofield 03.10.12 8:44pm
george.scofield
Tesco grab a special offer for Sale

A town in the North-West has today become the first to be bought outright by a supermarket chain. Tesco has invested 10 Million pounds in buying ‘Sale’ in a bid to secure the word for their sole...

4
Perks 03.10.12 8:32pm
Sir Lupus
Adele Confirmed to Sing New James Bond Theme

It was confirmed yesterday that Adele would be singing the title theme for the new James Bond film Skyfall, starring Daniel Craig, released later this month. Initially, Adele was reluctant to be...

1
christian.orr 03.10.12 7:35pm
custard cream
Now then now then

what do we have here ladies and gentlemen uuuuggghhhhhh?Dear Jimmy could you fix it for me not to have to nosh on your old smelly todger anymore signed susan aged twelve...

2
Dave Grigger 03.10.12 7:23pm
Banzai
Guardian dating site offends readers with image of 'oppressively white couple'

The Guardian newspaper has reacted angrily to its own dating service, after the offensive image of two white, heterosexual professionals was used to advertise the business. Despite the wealth of...

6
Nunnion Splendacular 03.10.12 5:25pm
arthurminnit
fall in female physics students blamed on 'the Cox-Miller effect'

In the blue corner, Brian Cox and Ben Miller, the charismatic media faces of physics., Erudite, photogenic and engaging, bringing a new, friendlier perspective to science. In the red corner,...

0
FlashArry 03.10.12 4:57pm
FlashArry
Northampton Shoe Magazine accused of trying to cause outrage

It has been discovered that local footwear magazine Northampton Shoe Magazine has been trying to garner a wider readership by needlessly courting outrage. It comes on the heels of the glossy Closer...

1
george.scofield 03.10.12 4:12pm
Golgo13
David Cameron to order LIb Dem cull ahead of next election 0
simonjmr 03.10.12 3:51pm
simonjmr
"I'm out!" says gay Dragon. 1
Ian Searle 03.10.12 3:48pm
MADJEZ
Kevin Pietersen released back into the wild

The ECB has today revealed that troublesome ex-South African cricketer Kevin Pietersen has been returned to the wild and has rejoined his pack. He is expected to make a full recovery and will...

4
grottymonty 03.10.12 3:08pm
dvo4fun
Embarrasing rail franchise U-turn as Virgin's brown paper bag ends up biggest

more bungs soon...

0
grottymonty 03.10.12 2:41pm
grottymonty
“Self-harm a possibility”, as Abu Hamza takes unaccompanied toilet break... 1
Tripod 03.10.12 2:18pm
FlashArry
Transport Minister calls in Jeremy Forrest to give his staff extra maths lessons 1
pinxit 03.10.12 2:07pm
FlashArry
Manchester United reveal details of monumental Ferguson statue

Plans for a colossal statue of long-time manager Sir Alex Ferguson - at 316ft height, over 10 ft taller than New York's Statue of Liberty - were unveiled at Manchester United's Old Trafford ground...

11
pinxit 03.10.12 2:04pm
pinxit
Black slabs appear on desks throughout the world: 2001 was true

Fans of Arthur C Clarkes seminal sci-fi novel 2001 a Space Odyssey have today announced that the appearance of black slabs, or greyish towers on desks throughout the world are proof that Clarke's...

0
simonjmr 03.10.12 1:50pm
simonjmr
Strike on Euro-Star means Britain no longer a cul-de-sac....again! 0
philthefunk 03.10.12 1:48pm
philthefunk
The Guardian: we were only joking about that left-wing stuff.

Alan Rusbridger, editor of The Guardian newspaper, today revealed that the paper’s left of centre political stance has always been ‘a bit of a joke that got out of hand.’ He said this morning,...

0
sigmund 03.10.12 1:38pm
sigmund
Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in training for big "end of year" event 0
arnied 03.10.12 1:22pm
arnied
Person thrown out of

All You Can Eat restaurant in Brighton for eating too much, has revealed that he is on the Cambridge diet., He'll eat Oxford next week...

0
philthefunk 03.10.12 1:01pm
philthefunk
Radio 1's.....

decision to air Gary Glitter's cover of 'Jimmy Jimmy' has been described as 'insensitive' by Jeremy Forrest., He would rather hear the b'side 'Runaway'...

0
philthefunk 03.10.12 12:52pm
philthefunk
Wife drops electric heater in bath, husband 'incandescent' 1
pdavies65 03.10.12 12:45pm
Smart Alex
Catholic Church deny Jimmy Savile was a priest 0
philthefunk 03.10.12 12:33pm
philthefunk
U-Turn Tax fury....

George Osbourne has infuriated ministers by introducing a U-Turn Tax., "That means that when we introduce a new policy without thinking it through, we'll have to stand by it," an angry Front Bencher...

0
philthefunk 03.10.12 12:26pm
philthefunk
Newquay Rocket powered by pasties...

will be liable to the pasty tax as they will be heated to over 500* C, they will then be available on Network Rail...

0
philthefunk 03.10.12 12:18pm
philthefunk
Milliband pleased with new misheard nickname - "Total Fun Cup" 0
simonjmr 03.10.12 11:31am
simonjmr
Miliband aides race to concoct macho public persona

The Miliband bandwagon's been galvanised since polls revealed the extent of public amazement that Ed thinks of himself as next PM. Advisors are convinced that injections of butchness are the answer...

0
vertical 03.10.12 11:01am
vertical