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17% of children "just fucking stupid"

Almost one in five children in today's schools are just plain fucking stupid, according to a new report released this morning by The Department of Education. The report was issued by the Department...

14
jamsieoconnor 05.06.13 6:22pm
Wrenfoe
I haven't made a decent movie since Steamboat Willie, admits Mickey Mouse

Mickey Mouse has given his most controversial interview ever - and he's pulling no punches as he lays into everyone from method actors to Mickey Rourke. He even puts the boot into Goofy, who he...

2
ronseal 05.06.13 6:09pm
Wrenfoe
Thought-guided government yet to take off. 0
Sir Lupus 05.06.13 6:09pm
Sir Lupus
Katrina and the Waves "may also be particles", claim physicists. 2
bonjonelson 05.06.13 6:08pm
Wrenfoe
Angling bait to be sold online 0
Smart Alex 05.06.13 5:39pm
Smart Alex
RSPB concerned as Toilet Duck is put on endangered species list. More soon. 1
dominic_mcg 05.06.13 5:37pm
Smart Alex
Police to fine people who listen to The Middle Of The Road by The Pretenders 3
Ian Searle 05.06.13 4:52pm
Ian Searle
Ryanair customer wins on-flight lottery - get's return flight on Thomson. 1
raudus 05.06.13 4:50pm
bonjonelson
Isle of Man re-designs flag in denial of Rolf Harris connection

The Manx government has taken steps to distance itself from any connection with Rolf Harris in the light of the Australian entertainer’s recent arrest. The singer is thought to have been inspired...

0
Dick Everyman 05.06.13 4:25pm
Dick Everyman
Faulty Brian Scanner reveals three Trevors, two Kevins and a Colin 3
Dick Everyman 05.06.13 4:07pm
Lindy Moone
Millions face cancer risk from passive cunnilingus

In the wake of Michael Douglas's throat cancer revelations, medical experts are warning people to beware of the environmental risks of being in the vicinity of a mouth-to-vagina sex act, with some...

3
sydalg 05.06.13 3:17pm
Dick Everyman
In-laws revealed to be number 1 cause of outlaws. 7
Lindy Moone 05.06.13 3:14pm
Dick Everyman
Dyslexic regrets hiring inferior decorator.

Inspired by brianflan's sub...

7
sredni vashta 05.06.13 2:41pm
sredni vashta
Arial Black wrongly named Arial Narrow: Vicar used the wrong font.

Hat tip to Bertrand...

3
weematt 05.06.13 2:06pm
Titus
Michael Douglas misquoted; actually said, "I've got my cancer licked."

Must have been done before, surely?...

1
FOAD 05.06.13 2:02pm
Titus
Ryanair Delivers 'Surcharge with a Smile' Initiative

The age-old saying ‘manners cost nothing,’ now seem to be a thing of the past as Ryanair has introduced a surcharge for courtesy. Mark Pye, Public Relations Executive said. “In today’s fast...

2
brianflan 05.06.13 1:59pm
John Wiltshire
Motorways jammed as on-the-spot fines begin

Motorways all over the UK were jammed solid today as the new policy of on-the-spot fines for middle-lane hoggers and tailgaters was implemented. The Chief Constable of Surrey, Sir Peter Harris,...

0
John Wiltshire 05.06.13 1:02pm
John Wiltshire
Cameron to dispel fears of Med jellyfish plague with "Hug a jellyfish" campaign 0
Smart Alex 05.06.13 12:36pm
Smart Alex
New Pope’s humility ‘getting on everyone’s tits’ admit cardinals

Newly-enthroned Pope Francis is allegedly ‘pissing everybody off big time’ with his ‘low key, unostentatious manner and general Christlike humility of spirit’, according to Vatican insiders....

22
Skylarking 05.06.13 12:14pm
Skylarking
Arial Black breaks up with Lucida Bright - "she just wasn't my type" 0
Bertrand Twisted 05.06.13 10:06am
Bertrand Twisted
France sends 200 tons bearnaise sauce to tournedos disaster zone 2
cinquecento 05.06.13 9:50am
Lindy Moone
Reliable offshore data security company for expert password protection service

For completely free trial with whole moneyback guarantee, simply to be sending your bank account password in the strictest confidence to Mister Arthur (Barrister) email arthur@419.ng...

0
Arthur 05.06.13 6:29am
Arthur
New Dr. Oz show discusses how to rid yourself of Dr. Oz 1
Dumbnews 05.06.13 6:28am
Lindy Moone
Decorating the Bank Of England was 'an inside job'

more emulsion-related shenanigans soon..ish...

0
brianflan 04.06.13 11:56pm
brianflan
‘Large Hadron Collider a scam’ says 3 armed scientist

In a final 15-fingered salute to unethical research, a recently sacked scientist has blown open the secrets of CERN. As the budget for The Large Hadron Collidor at the European Organization for...

2
brianflan 04.06.13 11:54pm
brianflan
Pfizer CEO admits self-raising flour is main ingredient of Viagra 0
sydalg 04.06.13 11:42pm
sydalg
Rev Fred Phelps outraged at discovering he's a member of Homo sapiens 0
sydalg 04.06.13 11:38pm
sydalg
Bradley Manning becomes the face of Adult Diapers

Shortly before going on trial, Private Manning announced a new sponsorship deal with Tranquillity Incontinence Products. While others have characterized the US soldier's leaks as a threat to national...

2
Wrenfoe 04.06.13 11:28pm
brianflan
Secret UKIP plans to decimate the metric system revealed

Previously unreleased plans left on a beer-mat in a pub where Nigel Farage had been drinking have unveiled the UKIP’s plans to reinvigorate and restore the UK’s traditional Imperial measurement...

15
bonjonelson 04.06.13 11:24pm
brianflan
Sweatshops to be modelled on Candy Crush

Labour Unions have expressed outrage at recent proposals to model work environments on the popular Game-App. What was originally assumed to be an unfortunate spelling error for a range of...

1
Wrenfoe 04.06.13 11:20pm
brianflan