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The Idiot's Guide To....Electing A New Pope

In 590, Pope Gregory I described the complex procedures that would be used to elect the next successor to St. Peter, in an Apostolic Constitution called Universi Dominici Gregis (UDG). Here is a...

custard cream 12.02.13 12:51pm
Midfield Diamond
Pope quits to be the face of Cadburys Cream Easter Eggs new ad campaign

“God told me to do it” he says, adding “greed is God, after all.”...

Reg Herring 12.02.13 12:50pm
Reg Herring
78% of bankers think ethics is 'a county somewhere near London'

I'll be off now....

vertical 12.02.13 12:38pm
Tests show fish fingers may contain bird's eyes 3
vertical 12.02.13 12:36pm
Pope's retirement "sets a bad example to the elderly" claims Iain Duncan Smith 0
Nowherefast 12.02.13 12:29pm
Birdseye announces new range of burgers made from 100% birds’ eyes

“Definitely has no traces of horse whatsoever” says spokesperson “and you can quote me on that.”...

Reg Herring 12.02.13 12:26pm
Reg Herring
Semi-vegetarians "horrified" by presence of actual meat in value burgers.

"I'm almost vegetarian you know, I hardly eat any red meat these days and try to stick to the occasional bit of chicken now and thenbut as part of my semi-vegetarian diet I eat a lot of value burgers...

ianrbland 12.02.13 11:34am
Pope: best part was “the hats”, worst part “never meeting Jimmy Savile”...

The Pontiff will break with centuries of papal tradition by retiring to a villa in a gated community on the Florida Keys, surrounded by his loving family, rather than dying in bed, aged 94, alone...

Tripod 12.02.13 11:25am
Nation celebrates Findus Crispy Pancake day with usual horseplay. 0
MADJEZ 12.02.13 11:20am
YouGov To Take Over The Vactican......

To keep an eye on the Poles/polls?...

Jesse Bigg 12.02.13 11:00am
Jesse Bigg
Tony Blair welcomes new role as Pope

Millionaire Catholic Tony Blair has been revealed as the next Pope, a role he's described as 'quite an honour really I suppose, if you think about it'. Pope Tony I will carry out his duties on a...

12.02.13 10:55am
Pope reveals he is "only giving up for Lent". 0
seymour totti 12.02.13 10:33am
seymour totti
"New Pope Should Act Like Cameron," Says Vatican Insider...

What,smarmy, mean, and hardly ventures north?...

Jesse Bigg 12.02.13 10:29am
Jesse Bigg
Papal Statement: "Hey, c'mon guys, I didn't expect you to ACCEPT my resignation 0
Titus 12.02.13 10:21am
Catholic leader decides to pull out at last minute

More cribs from Sickipedia (who have also been robbing us blind) soon...

Oxbridge 12.02.13 10:21am
NewsBiscuit can reveal....

Online parody and spoof news website NewsBiscuit was thrown into turmoil this morning by a posting which broke all the rules. “He seemed to be doing it deliberately” complained regular...

lane-avenger 12.02.13 10:12am
Boy covered in cream and cherries admits it's tough growing up in the gateaux. 3
godly1966 12.02.13 10:06am
Smart Alex
Valentine's Day tactics for desperate men - the realistic approach

Guys, you are the Harry Redknapp of the world of romance. Not much of a looker and in pretty desperate times with little hope of salvation. But you have an eye for tactics, and the transfer window is...

kga6 12.02.13 10:00am
Catholics 'despondent' after Rafael Benitez accepts vacant Pope position

In a shock turn of the managerial roundabout at Europe's top institutions of football and religion, it was announced today that Rafael Benitez will immediately take up the vacant job of Pope, with...

rickwestwell 12.02.13 9:50am
Des Custard
Bears in Woods Suffer Constipation After Pope Becomes Hindu 0
Titus 12.02.13 9:42am
Head of Catholic Church displays an unusual style of parting.

- neat-o with topical topic...

weematt 12.02.13 9:42am
BBC Threates to Sulk if New Pope is not a Disabled Black Woman 0
Titus 12.02.13 9:32am
Pope Resigns to Seek New Challenge - Islam Most Likely Destination

Pope Benedict XVI has resigned his position as head of the Catholic Church to seek a new challenge, it has been reported from Rome. A spokesman for Josef Ratzinger, who has immediately reverted to...

GreenCross 12.02.13 9:23am
Surprise That Pope's Resignation Had Not Been Preceded by ...

. statement from God that He had "every confidence" in him...

Titus 12.02.13 9:16am
Mathematicians rejoice as new pope to be chosen of cardinals

Mathematicians around the world are celebrating the news that cardinals are to gather to elect the new pope. "Cardinals are my favourite type of numbers.", enthused Simon Singh, "It would have been...

apepper 12.02.13 2:04am
DIGNITAS launches 2 for 1 'Valentine's suicide pact special (BOGOF)' deal...

<Limited availability. Hurry while offer lasts> . More soon...

Jammydodgers 12.02.13 1:31am
Camden market traders forced to junk 75,000 "I like the Pope" T-Shirts

Just a few short years after the last of the John Paul II T-shirts was incinerated, Camden market traders are facing another change of Pope that will again leave their huge stock of "I like the Pope....

Golgo13 12.02.13 1:15am
Horse food found to contain human remains.... 1
deskpilot3 12.02.13 12:36am
Many cows revealed to be horses.

So hard to tell the difference...

deskpilot3 12.02.13 12:32am
Tesco Finest contains "traces of Pope meat"

The Vatican has strongly denied allegations that it allowed papal material to enter the food chain, after DNA tests confirmed the presence of "up to 100% pope meat in Tesco Finest sausages. ...

SuburbanDad 12.02.13 12:30am