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Rooney: Chelsea move back on as Colleen agrees personal terms with John Terry. 3
Ref Minor 19.07.13 1:50pm
"I'm worse off than you" confirms someone in the world 0
Dick Everyman 19.07.13 1:47pm
Dick Everyman
Fracking Not Only Provides Energy - It May Also Destroy Blackpool. Result! 1
Titus 19.07.13 1:41pm
Met Office declare state of emergency as man's Summer Fruit Calippo melts

The Met Office raised its alert level from 'tan time' to 'get the fuck indoors' today after Brighton beach-goer Alan Blanch was left 'cheated' and 'in need of a sturdy napkin' after his £2.80 Summer...

Jesus H 19.07.13 1:20pm
Jesus H
Olympics ‘a great success’

In a new survey, respondents were asked if the 2012 London Olympics had prompted them to take up a sport. 100% said ‘no’. Asked what the Olympics has prompted them to do, 100% said ‘watch tv,...

farmer giles 19.07.13 1:10pm
farmer giles
Uproar in academia as Oxford dons call Cambridge colleagues a "bunch of clowns" 0
sydalg 19.07.13 12:57pm
Shoes fly at Baghdad launch of Sunni Delight 2
cinquecento 19.07.13 12:48pm
Ref Minor
Things that make you go 'ooooooooo' - the Newsbiscuit guide to staying cool

As Britain continues to swelter under the sun, and with the Met Office raising the heatwave warning to level 3, we take you through some top tips to stay cool in this hot hot hot weather: 1) Offer...

Mandy Lifeboat 19.07.13 12:31pm
Shock as Prince Charles admits he's not on speaking terms with half his plants 4
sydalg 19.07.13 12:18pm
The MET Office Announce When Records Actually Began.

The MET office has finally released details as to when records actually began. “It’s all bollocks really” said the MET Office’s Chief of Staff, “we stopped keeping records years ago.” ...

AFrancisBrown 19.07.13 12:06pm
A new report claims the wages of sin have been frozen for the fifth year running 3
Ian Searle 19.07.13 12:03pm
Thunderstorm Experts Gather for Clear the Air Talks 0
Erwin Spatula-Ng 19.07.13 11:16am
Erwin Spatula-Ng
Palace Panic & Attempted Cover-Up After Swan Eats Royal Baby

"Get over it" says swan "We ain't no vegans [burp]." Royal grandfather says "One is frightfully concerned. This is a large meal for a swan and one hopes this beautiful, graceful creature comes to...

Titus 19.07.13 11:01am
Call to ban stepladders in crackdown on "legal highs" 2
bonjonelson 19.07.13 11:00am
Palace admits Assange has been hiding out in Kate's womb 0
Squudge 19.07.13 10:49am
Olympics Committee says it will "Find a place for drugs in sport".

The International Olympic Committee has announced that it will allow drugs in many of its events in light of the recent scandals. Sprinters Tyson Gay and Asafa Powell, who were recently tested...

AFrancisBrown 19.07.13 10:49am
Onion ahead of the game as usual...,1931/...

bonjonelson 19.07.13 10:38am
Adebolajo sends off early Santa request for two front teeth 0
A.A.Arkwright 19.07.13 10:08am
Environmentalists demand action on Royal population

“We seem to have learned nothing from the badger fiasco”, laments Greenpeace spokesman Jason Bailey. “Just one Royal, even a very small one, has incalculable effects on the biosphere”. He...

sydalg 19.07.13 9:20am
Ed Milliband previews Labour manifesto at Comic Con

Labour leader Ed Milliband is using his appearance at this weekend's San Diego Comic Con to tease extracts from Labour's 2015 election manifesto. Speaking at a Preview Night panel appearance the...

Darkbill 2.0 19.07.13 8:54am
Alexei Navalny Gets Life Sentence In Gulag For Out-Of-Date Car Tax Disc

"And I haven't even got a car" sighs jailed Russian opposition leader...

Titus 19.07.13 7:47am
Cancer Cure And End To World Hunger Entirely Due To London Olympics

more ludicrous over-stated claims later...

Titus 19.07.13 7:44am
Rom-com sequel, "When Harry assaulted Sally" fails at box office

More later...

virtuallywill 19.07.13 7:35am
Baby Delay Blamed On 'Coalition Cutbacks And Economic Mis-Management'

according to the opposition (such as it is)...

Titus 19.07.13 7:19am
Bigots demand unequal rights

<hat tip to Titus>...

Squudge 19.07.13 6:42am
Queen gives vegans permission to eat swan

Swans do not have souls and can therefore be consumed by vegans with the Queen's permission, reports confirm. Experts at the Wildlife Research Institute subjected nature's river-mincing fancy pants...

Dick De Menthe 19.07.13 6:39am
Weapons cargo an elaborate ruse to hide Kim Jong-Un's Rubik's cube addiction

New information has surfaced regarding the cargo onboard the North Korean ship which was recently seized in Panama. Initially it was reported the ship, purportedly carrying sugar, actually contained...

ChairmanMouth 19.07.13 1:03am
Man cancels camping holiday - goes on mincing holiday instead 0
Smart Alex 18.07.13 10:12pm
Smart Alex
Hewitt strongly denies rumour that Harry is the father. 0
Ref Minor 18.07.13 9:54pm
Ref Minor
New Samsung phone boasts 30% fewer features 0
Dumbnews 18.07.13 8:57pm