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Government to cancel 'at least one battleship galactica'

The Prime Minister today confirmed that at least one of the soon to be proposed battleships Galactic would not be built. 'Frankly we don't have the technology, neither are due until the 24th Century...

throngsman 10.03.14 6:56am
Physicist discovers new way to accelerate time, alchohol 0
Dumbnews 10.03.14 5:28am
Ukraine Para-Olympic Team Denied Entry After Radioactivity Concerns

The team from Chernobyl were particularly disappointed as they had been training hard for months beforehand...

Guillermo De Snookio 09.03.14 11:33pm
Guillermo De Snookio
Mortal Kombat drug causes fatality 0
Bigglesworth 09.03.14 10:32pm
Somerset overwhelmed by a flood of tourists now the floods have gone

More coming soon...

vulture1 09.03.14 9:56pm
More Extreme Weather says Met office as sun actually comes out .

The newspapers today have revealed the stunning news that today was the warmest day since the beginning of winter. Despite the eons long tradition that the weather gets warmer as winter ends news...

sillybugger 09.03.14 9:53pm
Glagow Health Food Shop To Sell Deep-Fried Lettuce and Tomatoes-In-Batter 0
Titus 09.03.14 8:56pm
Teachers give themselves good grades

“They’ll be bankers in no time” says Gove...

farmer giles 09.03.14 6:53pm
farmer giles
Record results in new teacher exams

Tests in numeracy and literacy for recently qualified teachers have shown the best results since records began in 2013. While Education Secretary Michael Gove has taken the results as evidence of...

Andy Gilder 09.03.14 5:12pm
Andy Gilder
Undertaker who dug wrong-sized hole ‘made a grave mistake’

Not only did the coffin not fit, but the dead person had requested to be cremated. “In the end, the body was sent to a pet food factory and no-one knew any different” revealed now-deceased...

farmer giles 09.03.14 4:03pm
farmer giles
Outbreaks of pleasantry as Southern England sizzles

The mood of the entire Southern half of England appears to have undergone a rare, although what's believed to be only a temporary metamorphosis today, as unprecedented numbers of people have been...

Duff 09.03.14 3:14pm
TV Licence Dodgers May Be Forced To Watch Ant and Dec

A cross party committee has concluded that people who dodge paying for their TV Licence might actually be poor. 'Although fining the poor does seem unfair, that's how we operate in this country,'...

throngsman 09.03.14 2:10pm
Ann Widdicombe accepts new role as ‘face of Swarfega’... 0
Tripod 09.03.14 1:27pm
French scientists discover new strain of dementia, nouvelle vague 0
sydalg 09.03.14 1:17pm
Putin: "Isle of White is Russia Now" 0
Adrian Bamforth 09.03.14 1:16pm
Adrian Bamforth
Autocues Become Self Aware and Take Over BBC

It has been revealed that the decision to close down BBC3 was not made by Director-General Tony Hall, but by BBC 1 autocues which have developed consciousness. It is thought that the execution of...

deceangli 09.03.14 1:12pm
Dyslexic songwriter shaves horse's mane, rides through desert 2
sydalg 09.03.14 11:43am
Man practising Tai-chi is run over by milk float

"It seemed like I was seeing everything in slow motion" said one witness, "but then I realised it was in slow motion."...

blacklesbianandproudofit 09.03.14 11:26am
Russia has miscalculated, in its maths exam says Gove 0
Bigglesworth 09.03.14 10:32am
Islamic school takeover bid was attack-helicopter parenting 0
Bigglesworth 09.03.14 9:17am
Coop directors remuneration proportional to size of hole dug the previous year

Lots more soon...

Not Amused 09.03.14 8:22am
Not Amused
London to Impose Sanctions on Russian Oligarchs

Boris Johnson in association with TFL has today put in place regulations to prevent Russian Oligarchs getting Oyster Cards or using cycle lanes. Traffic Wardens will be able to impose on the spot...

Guillermo De Snookio 09.03.14 8:19am
Guillermo De Snookio
Russian Farmers Almanac

Now is the best time for planting mines along borders of land you plan to annex...

Dun Dunkin 09.03.14 8:11am
Dun Dunkin
OSCE Observers Barred From Crimea – Shots Fired in the Air

Two miles away, loyal comrade, Alexi Yermatov, had just finished repairing his rotovator, when a 7.62 armour piercing round smashed into his kidneys, dramatically changing his plans for the rest of...

Guillermo De Snookio 09.03.14 7:57am
Guillermo De Snookio
Men on diets demand to know when the potato 'stopped being' a vegetable

Frustrated males shamed into embracing a healthy regime have been outraged to discover that starchy, tuberous crops are not the route to a six-pack, female approval and eternal life as had been...

Wrenfoe 09.03.14 7:47am
Jesus H
The Whitehouse – Kremlin Hotline has now been Automated.

Press 1 for Pointless Negotiations, lies, deceit, denials, obfuscation, Press 2 for Abuse, swearing, personal insults, farting noises., Press 3 for WW III, Press 4 for Post Apocalyptic...

Guillermo De Snookio 09.03.14 6:00am
Richard Branson announces plan to build new garden shed

Billionaire entrepreneur Richard Branson has announced a radical new plan which will transform the garden of his house in Surrey and possibly emerge as a disruptive force which could change the...

antharrison 08.03.14 10:54pm
Putin slam's Clegg's Lib Dem Mentality

In a public broadcast today president Putin criticised Nick Clegg's apparent Lib Dem mentality. 'It's clear that you are a Tory at heart and you're sending the wrong message to the people who inhabit...

throngsman 08.03.14 10:39pm
Russian soldiers seen in drainpipes entering Crimean field? Putin on the stile?

Apologies to Lonnie Donegan...

throngsman 08.03.14 10:19pm
GB athletes lose to Sweden in Winter Paralytic Games by only three steins. 1
AReader 08.03.14 10:16pm