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Top NASA scientist still burns toast

Nasa's foremost rocket scientist, Marc Millis, has admitted he still doesn't know how to use a toaster correctly. "I tried it on 3 but the 'toast' just came out looking like dirty bread. When I...

3
Psycadelic Squirrel 18.07.12 6:07pm
Psycadelic Squirrel
World finally agrees on international distress sign 'AAAGH'.

In Britain it's 999. In America it's 911. On a submarine it's S.O.S. In the air it's Mayday, mayday. And in space it's 'Houston we have a problem'. Amid all this confusion, it's good to know the...

10
Boutros 18.07.12 4:46pm
Psycadelic Squirrel
Lane Closures Adding To Olympic Chaos

Unscheduled lane closures are causing another headache for London 2012 Olympic Games organisers adding to the security and logistical nightmare that has already tarnished the games with delays,...

4
HIGNFY 18.07.12 4:01pm
HIGNFY
God claims creation of Earth still on budget, despite overrunning 6 day estimate

God claims that the original budget was for the Light and rocky bits. He admitted that creating life had taken billions of years longer than expected, but the other budget for organisms already had...

8
gaijintendo 18.07.12 3:18pm
writinginbsl
Editors Deny Spoof News Articles Sponsorship Deal

Editors of several spoof and satire news websites have angrily denied that they have “sold out” and will now allow corporate sponsorship of articles and submissions. One editor, sipping a...

2
HIGNFY 18.07.12 3:10pm
dvo4fun
G4S in administration after default on unsecured loans 0
charlies_hat 18.07.12 2:40pm
charlies_hat
Lady boys acceptable in surprise church compromise on gay marriage

In a surprise olive branch from the Church of England, Doctor Rowan Williams this morning announced that the church would support marriage between two men as long as one of them looked like a woman. ...

5
The Masked Frog 18.07.12 2:10pm
charlies_hat
Nelson Mandela unaffected by his 27 years of inactivity 0
Rootin Tootin 18.07.12 12:23pm
Rootin Tootin
UK joy: BBC only set to cover Olympics up to 2020 "Thank F*ck! All over by 9 pm" 0
dvo4fun 18.07.12 12:16pm
dvo4fun
BBC Rogue Traders presenter complains about the hard cell 5
charlies_hat 18.07.12 12:05pm
dvo4fun
Tobacco company introduces 5kg cigarettes as "health fags"

British American Tobacco have introduced "healthy" cigarettes. Weighing 5kg, BAT claim they'll "give people a workout whilst they smoke". A spokesman for BAT enthused; "They could take off big time -...

0
apepper 18.07.12 12:01pm
apepper
FBI Investigation Launched as Meat Found In US Airline Sandwiches

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-18868431...

1
HIGNFY 18.07.12 11:59am
HenryMJUK
Belgium excused Olympics after note from mum

Belgium will not compete in the 2012 Olympics because of a sore throat, according to an announcement made this morning. It's understood  Belgium's mother wrote the note at the request of the Benelux...

6
nickb 18.07.12 11:42am
daneade
Contract to Backfill Police Drafted to Cover Olypic Security is Won by G4S

Shortages within local Police forces are to be filled through a short term contract with private security form G4S., "This is a good contract for us to win and will more than cover recent losses we...

8
thisisall1word 18.07.12 11:42am
thisisall1word
Coalition Offers Disfunctional Families a Fresh Start in Rochdale 0
18.07.12 11:36am
Olympic male escort shortage sees Navy called up

feel free to expand (hang on, that sounds sus)...

0
Yikes 18.07.12 11:20am
Yikes
Shock as positive-test athlete says "Yes, I did use performance enhancing drugs" 0
dvo4fun 18.07.12 11:18am
dvo4fun
UK Government passes new laws

As from mid-night yesterday anyone in the UK who wishes to buy a new or used 4X4 vehicle will have to agree to undergo a small surgical procedure. This will involve removing the prospective...

4
humph 18.07.12 11:12am
Wiggins' yellow jersey at risk as he gets Barclay's bike with dodgy wheel 0
Not Amused 18.07.12 10:42am
Not Amused
Family slams ‘sick’ insurance company after receiving dead meerkat by post

A family from Swindon has condemned an insurance stunt as ‘tasteless’, after receiving a decomposing meerkat in the post. The Gorestones had been nagged into contacting the company after their...

11
18.07.12 10:37am
writinginbsl
Casey report reveals the 'bleeding obvious'.

Only 18 participant families-representing 120,000. Couldnt they have just managed a few more???...

0
writinginbsl 18.07.12 10:35am
writinginbsl
Brazil set to replace all 2016 Olympic events with beach volleyball 0
cinquecento 18.07.12 9:57am
cinquecento
ENTIRE OLYMPIC VILLAGE STOLEN IN LATEST SECURITY BREACH

http://media.zenfs.com/en-GB/blogs/ept_prod/olympic-village-before180412.jpg The entire Olympic Village was stolen from East London last night, prompting further concerns over the security of the...

12
Peter749400 18.07.12 8:07am
Des Custard
Playing keyboards in 70s prog rock bands "possibly" linked to early death

Rick Wakeman and Tony Banks plan visits to their GPs. RIP Jon Lord, Richard Wright...

0
DorsetBoy 18.07.12 2:54am
DorsetBoy
Sparta to backfill G4S shortfalls...

In a move that surprised no-one, King Leonidas from the newly reformed state of Sparta is to send 300 of his men to help the beleaguered London Olympics Committee. When questioned by BBC reporters...

0
hardev 17.07.12 10:47pm
hardev
occasional newsbiscuit poster wonders "what the fuck is a left alert"? 5
arthurminnit 17.07.12 10:36pm
Sinnick
ISLE OF PORTLAND HIT AS MIDDLE EAST TURMOIL SPREADS

http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/40017000/jpg/_40017885_deck203.jpg The Isle of Portland has become the latest victim of the growing instability in the middle east. Spurred on by recent...

3
Peter749400 17.07.12 9:47pm
FlashArry
Local Councils Start ‘Bin Day Roulette’

For people across the UK Wednesday means the Mid Week Lottery draw, but for those lucky enough to live in the right postcode it can also mean it’s time for their local council’s exciting new game...

0
Quaz 17.07.12 9:20pm
Quaz
G4S to assist Tory canvassers at next election..... - 2 33
Jesse Bigg 17.07.12 7:58pm
beau-jolly
An idiots guide to ........ idiots

The term idiot was invented by Fyodor Dostoevsky in his novel The Idiot, originally called the screaming fuckwit, publishers had to temper the language for a more gentile readership.. "Idiot"...

2
simonjmr 17.07.12 7:21pm
Al OPecia