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Alan Titchmarsh and Alistair Darling rushed in to 'bore the Royal baby out'

After baffled doctors recently likened Kate Middleton's gestation period to that of a giraffe, an impatient Prince William has enlisted the services of ex-chancellor Alastair Darling and gardening...

Jesus H 22.07.13 9:20am
Jesus H
Daily Mail Announced Imminent Arrival of the Reincarnation of Diana

Royal Baby watchers and assorted pregnancy experts at the Daily Mail announced that they have conclusive proof that Will and Kate's baby will the reincarnation of Diana. Indeed regardless of sex of...

ionb 22.07.13 9:00am
Duchess of Cambridge goes into labour after being lobbied by Lynton Crosby

(more later)...

Wrenfoe 22.07.13 9:00am
Golf fans cause unrest outside royal hospital, shouting 'get outta the hole' 0
exigo 22.07.13 8:54am
Government "all out" of bad news to bury

Red-faced Government officials have claimed that they're all out of bad news to bury during the royal baby media frenzy. A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said: "Unfortunately we've not been...

andrewl81 22.07.13 8:41am
Baby to be named Spag Bol after Wills' fave nosh 0
Drylaw 22.07.13 7:58am
William to live-tweet Kate labour.

Bill Crivens, @BigDaddy Location: Richmond, Bio: The Gordon Ramsey of inventory solutions management!, Following 352 Followers 7 Tweets 12,691 We think Kate’s gone into labour. I can’t...

DrTurmoil 22.07.13 7:56am
Duchess of Cambridge more saddle sore than Chris Froome 0
irreverendJ 22.07.13 7:27am
Cameron bans online Royal baby surfing to free up bandwidth for porn 0
Yikes 22.07.13 7:09am
Porn to be blocked everywhere except house of commons internet cafe 0
Idiot 22.07.13 7:00am
Broadband speeds expected to increase 500% as Govt announce block on porn access 0
tedweasel 22.07.13 6:25am
Thames Water acquires 99.99999% holding in British Homeopathy Association 0
tedweasel 22.07.13 6:21am
Internet speed 'slugged' in West Country to match slow pace of life

In response to customer requests, a Super-Slow Broadband internet service is being rolled out in Somerset, Devon and Cornwall. The advanced technology system recognises the speed at which the local...

Midfield Diamond 22.07.13 5:37am
Various Artists – the world’s biggest albums band – to split.

Dave, Dee Dozy Beaky Mick Titch Stills Crosby, Hall, Oates, Emerson, Lake, Palmer, McGuiness Flint, Ernst, Young Gifted and Black and White Minstrels are to split, closely followed by the Isley...

nickb 22.07.13 5:34am
BBC plans "value for money" scandals

Shocked and dismayed by the cost of the Jimmy Savile scandal, the BBC is looking into ways to make outraging the public more economically viable. "What we're really trying to achieve is more...

CulchaVulcha 22.07.13 4:48am
It's another triumph for British sport as Phil Mickelson finds out he's English.

Britain's run of sporting achievements continues unabated with the news that golfer Phil Mickelson, thought to be of American extraction, is actually from London. Although the 2013 British Open...

Boutros 22.07.13 1:18am
Ceremonial Royal Warming Pan helicoptered to Cambridge 'Just in case' 0
Ironduke 21.07.13 11:28pm
Shock as royal baby confirmed as having ginger hair 4
custard cream 21.07.13 8:40pm
Ref Minor
Royal Baby "waiting until the golf and cricket are over". More soon. 2
Al OPecia 21.07.13 8:02pm
Celebrity on 'Who Do You Think You Are?' discovers Bob is in fact their uncle 3
Ian Searle 21.07.13 7:44pm
Lindy Moone
Sight restored for three blind mice, but farmer’s wife still facing ‘tails' rap 0
Tripod 21.07.13 7:20pm
US bomb disposal to be issued with thongs, snorkels and flippers 2
Squudge 21.07.13 7:16pm
Australia's top six. 0
Ironduke 21.07.13 6:24pm
Royal Birth announcement delayed while surgeons look up spare finger removal 0
Ironduke 21.07.13 6:05pm
Tour de France Crash Leads to Massive Bicycle Mix-Up

A large crash during the 17th stage of the Tour de France yesterday left more than a dozen riders bruised, battered, and utterly confused where the hell their bicycles went. "It was pure chaos,"...

jmg16 21.07.13 5:23pm
Guide Dogs Christmas catalogue brings welcome diversion from hot weather

People across the UK are reported to be delighted by the arrival of the latest Christmas catalogue from the Guide Dogs for the Blind Association. With the unremitting hot weather, the thoughtful...

Dick Everyman 21.07.13 5:03pm
Excitement over royal baby 'not as great as that for new iPhone'

Excitement over the royal baby is not as great as that over a launch of a new iPhone, according to analysts. 'Although there is a lot of public interest in the imminent arrival of the royal baby,'...

roybland 21.07.13 4:33pm
Fat cats to get tax breaks “to release trapped wind”

Wealthy businesspeople, many of them Conservative voters, are to get tax relief for the release of trapped wind, which could help keep energy prices down. Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne...

CulchaVulcha 21.07.13 2:57pm
Kate's baby abducted by aliens 3
sponge finger 21.07.13 1:27pm
Newsflash: retardorical - word of the week 4
Sinnick 21.07.13 11:30am