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David Beckham does something, announces plans for something else as well...

The media scrum converged on some place in America this morning, to report that David Beckham was doing something, and that, after consultations with his ‘people’, he would soon be doing...

Tripod 31.10.13 8:28am
Paul Hollywood regrets affair: 'Ratings were down and I was losing money' 0
John Wiltshire 31.10.13 8:28am
John Wiltshire
Sir Alex to follow My Autobiography with Someone Else's Autobiography 0
John Wiltshire 31.10.13 8:27am
John Wiltshire
Gas companies “to compete on smell”

Eon’s experimenting with Fresh Coffee. British Gas is going for Lemon Zest. And Npower invites you to a Field of Lilacs. In the ever competitive world of energy pricing, gas companies are...

nickb 30.10.13 10:40pm
Dick Everyman
man stabbed to death on 14th-from-last pizza delivery

A tip of hat to Man Bites Dog...

Otto Jespersen 30.10.13 10:30pm
Otto Jespersen
Late pizza boy got free topping 0
Otto Jespersen 30.10.13 10:09pm
Otto Jespersen
Thermometer fails to win Mercury prize due to lukewarm reaction

tips to Sfox...

irreverendJ 30.10.13 9:41pm
Barometer wins mercury prize 8
Sfox 30.10.13 9:41pm
Camp Medium Blamed For Rise In Necromincing 1
Flugelbinder 30.10.13 9:38pm
Nervous 'phone hackers' cause global wine shortage

As eight more News Corp employees go on trial for conspiracy to 'intercept communications', demand for a 'stiff drink' has started to outstrip supply. Unfortunately nothing soothes a guilty...

Wrenfoe 30.10.13 9:29pm
Concordia captain msinterpreted girlfriend's offer to "go down"

- variation of deceangli's idea...

Sinnick 30.10.13 9:18pm
National day of mourning as crane strike on Whitehall fails to kill any MPs 8
deceangli 30.10.13 9:06pm
Al OPecia
Austrailian bush fire out; Kylie uses thrush cream 2
Lens Cap 30.10.13 9:05pm
Al OPecia
All Lovecraft's work now available on easy repayment terms. 1
Al OPecia 30.10.13 8:10pm
Film '9 1/2 weeks' inspires swingers to try brown sauce perversions.

Cunt-0., Hat-tip to Dick. That's not something I say everyday...

FOAD 30.10.13 6:50pm
Sir Alex Ferguson turned clock back '1 hour and 9 minutes' to switch to GMT 0
custard cream 30.10.13 6:47pm
custard cream
Red Face Day launched to raise funds for Coalition-in-Need

Un-funnyman Lenny Henry is tipped to be the lead presenter for this year's Red Face day for undeserving causes. During an interview today, Henry gurned and capered at the camera while a spokesman for...

Squudge 30.10.13 6:44pm
Anne Summers launches new saucy dildo - the H P Lovecraft 6
Dick Everyman 30.10.13 6:39pm
U.N. launches "International talk like a chav" day, innit. 0
Maverick 30.10.13 5:59pm
Butterfly killed by Nectar point, rules coroner

A "loose" Nectar point worth 0.000023p caused the death of a Red Admiral Butterfly near Uxbridge, a coroner has ruled. How the butterfly ingested the tiny Nectar point is not known, and staff at a...

nickb 30.10.13 5:04pm
Rampant rabbit turns out to be fucking cunt 0
farmer giles 30.10.13 4:53pm
farmer giles
Barman asks Cthulhu of Mythos, "why the long face?" 1
Smart Alex 30.10.13 4:29pm
Defra Deny Involvement In Cull Of Cthulhu 0
Flugelbinder 30.10.13 4:19pm
Man with intention of living forever says he is on course to succeed 0
John Wiltshire 30.10.13 4:10pm
John Wiltshire
Energy companies advise home-owning OAPs to ‘hibernate in chest freezers’

In a move to improve their PR image and public trust rating, the big 6 UK energy companies today announced plans to blitz print, tv, radio and internet media with controversial energy and...

farmer giles 30.10.13 4:01pm
farmer giles
Latest NSA revelation: 'Luxembourg is not a cake, after all, it's a country”...

In the face of complaints from every country on the planet, James Clapper, Director of the National Security Agency, was bullish about his organisation’s activities. “Thanks to the sterling...

Tripod 30.10.13 3:34pm
Church of England Outsourced to China

“It’s a no-brainer, really”, said the Archbishop of Canterbury. “We wanted to make the Church more relevant to the modern world, and we needed to save money. This ticks all the boxes....

deceangli 30.10.13 2:34pm
Sugar reduction in jam solves Palestinian question

Today, the Israeli Supreme Court confirmed that 26 inmates of Ofer prison would be released as an important part in the process of 'fruit preserve disarmament'. News that British jams would lower...

Wrenfoe 30.10.13 2:30pm
Dick Everyman
Hewlett Packard creates package for horror writers all at sea: the HP Liferaft 0
Smart Alex 30.10.13 2:30pm
Smart Alex
Food Standards Agency "concerned" as Findus buys majority stake in Dignitas 0
sydalg 30.10.13 2:27pm