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Emergency water redistribution scheme uses urinals

The newly announced Minister for Floods, Jeremy Hunt, has introduced new emergency short-term measures to reduce flooding in critical areas of the country. "The problem is," says the minister, "water...

1
beemerbiker 27.11.12 12:32pm
pinxit
iPad 3 rumoured to feature automatic "would of" corrector.

In what one industry analyst has described as "a last desperate effort to yank humanity back from the edge of the abyss," Apple's soon-to-be-announced iPad 3 will in all likelihood include a...

23
Haywood Manley 27.11.12 12:25pm
pinxit
Rudolph in anal wart shame

One of the reindeers responsible for pulling Santa’s sleigh this Christmas has revealed that one of the other lead reindeers is suffering from an outbreak of anal warts., Tweeting from a grotto...

0
Earl Van Dyke 27.11.12 11:36am
Earl Van Dyke
Thirst Pockets to be deployed to flood areas - Government announce

The Government have today responded to the ongoing flood crisis by announcing that Thirst Pocket kitchen rolls will be dropped by air into the most seriously affected areas. The move was agreed at...

1
Sheepback 27.11.12 11:20am
Dick Everyman
NHS cuts sees electric shock therapy replaced by poking with sticks

That the government’s austerity agenda affects the weakest members of society is further shown by recent changes to the provision of mental health care that some are branding ‘insane’. The...

0
Yikes 27.11.12 10:53am
Yikes
Chelsea Managers. More soon. 2
Al OPecia 27.11.12 10:25am
Dick Everyman
King Kong to be given posthumous award for bravery

Film director Peter Jackson today collected a Congressional Medal of Honour on behalf of 1930s screen icon King Kong. Standing on the Hollywood Hall of Fame, Jackson announced “For far too long...

0
Landfill 27.11.12 10:09am
Landfill
Pope calls for people to stop attending church and watch more TV

The pontiff shocked followers around the world today as he revealed that after watching American sitcom Two and a half men he had realised that the catholic faith made for a very dull life. In a...

0
gregle 27.11.12 9:31am
gregle
Weather forecasters' offices to be fitted with windows 2
antharrison 27.11.12 9:09am
dvo4fun
'Ah bin doin a Joey Barton fur fifteh fookin yurs' says prankster Brian Sewell 0
pinxit 27.11.12 8:29am
pinxit
Iran claims Yasser Arafat 'will not be weaponised' 0
medici2471 27.11.12 7:17am
medici2471
Dragon's Den retrospective on RBS expected to be top programme at Christmas

The BBC has announced that its Christmas Day blockbuster 'Dragon's Den: The RBS Special' is expected to eclipse all other programmes, especially those in the science fiction and fantasy categories....

0
antharrison 27.11.12 12:40am
antharrison
Top cosmetic dentist arrested in Polo Mint scam 0
antharrison 26.11.12 11:27pm
antharrison
HM Queen to deliver annual speech in regional accents

Following the decision by Joey Barton to give his post-match interview in a french accent, Buckingham Palace has confirmed that, as a way of showing greater empathy with the nation, she will deliver...

0
antharrison 26.11.12 11:05pm
antharrison
Researchers issue guidance to avoid grapefruit and pills mix ups

In ground breaking research over a ten year period, officials from the Lawson Health Research Institute in Canada issued the following tips to avoid mixing up grapefuit and pills: - Look at the size...

4
custard cream 26.11.12 10:56pm
dvo4fun
Church of England appoints first Tranny bishop 1
antharrison 26.11.12 10:49pm
Bank of England annouces twinning link with Bank of Canada 0
custard cream 26.11.12 10:05pm
custard cream
Mayan prophecy 'not the end of the world' 0
custard cream 26.11.12 10:04pm
custard cream
Ryanair slammed for outsourcing complaints department to Dublin tramp

Low-cost airline Ryanair have been criticised by consumer groups after it emerged that their “revamped” complaints procedure now involves disappointed customers being put through to a homeless...

5
Vertically Challenged Giant 26.11.12 9:37pm
rikkor
Oxbridge posts about perverted middle managers 'that little bit too often'

More soon!...

1
Ironduke 26.11.12 9:33pm
rikkor
Disgruntled crowds flock from Cornish Waterpark 3
Dick Everyman 26.11.12 8:48pm
custard cream
'No bloody chance' Bank of Canada tells King 1
antharrison 26.11.12 8:47pm
custard cream
HMP Parkhurst's drama society to perform Jack & the Bean Stalker 8
Dick Everyman 26.11.12 8:44pm
custard cream
‘I was spent over the counter and then I was banked,’ claims used money. 0
malgor 26.11.12 8:22pm
malgor
Shoppers trapped in supermarket by over-stocked Christmas goods

Around 300 people became stuck in their local supermarket yesterday after a massive display of Christmas biscuits and confectionery was erected in the entrance foyer while they were shopping. The...

1
Midfield Diamond 26.11.12 8:09pm
dvo4fun
'At least the SPOTY studio will be sparkling this year' say BBC bosses 0
antharrison 26.11.12 7:55pm
antharrison
Osborne - 'inspired by Vettel" - goes for triple-dip recession 0
dvo4fun 26.11.12 7:54pm
dvo4fun
Crap, site-specific artworks celebrate ‘the beautiful game’...

A statue of Sir Alex Ferguson - swearing at the referee in a display of crowd-pleasing petulance, and pointing angrily at his watch - has been unveiled outside Old Trafford. The artwork, called ‘A...

7
Tripod 26.11.12 7:34pm
custard cream
Mild racism of all Grandparents plunges UK childcare system into crisis 1
charlies_hat 26.11.12 7:03pm
rikkor
Nick Clegg to Grow a Spine for Charity

Following the success of ‘Movember’, Nick Clegg has become the latest high profile figure to sign up for ‘Manuary’, a new charity event in which leading political figures will spend a month...

6
TheNewsWalrus 26.11.12 6:51pm
Sinnick