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Christmas comes early for man who forgot to put his clocks back in October 4
D 25.12.13 9:02am
St Thomas Beckett slain - family blame faulty knight vision goggles 1
Smart Alex 25.12.13 9:01am
Met Office finally admits 'We haven't a fucking clue'

But we can tell you with 100% accuracy what happened earlier today...

antharrison 24.12.13 10:35pm
Parent who couldn't find a PS4 this Christmas is unconsolable. 0
weematt 24.12.13 9:44pm
Surgeon branded as heartless, in 'eye for an eye' attack by patient 0
Ian Searle 24.12.13 7:41pm
Ian Searle
Suburban housewife single-handedly delivers Christmas yet again

June Pargeter has finally taken a moments rest this Christmas Eve, after single-handedly ensuring that all her extended family and friends will have the Christmas they deserve., With barely a...

Ironduke 24.12.13 5:53pm
Activision to launch Call Of Duty: Marks & Spencer's Foodhall on Christmas Eve

Video game developers Activision are to launch their most challenging Call Of Duty yet in a special seasonal edition of the franchise. The Marks and Spencer's Foodhall on Christmas Eve edition will...

andrewl81 24.12.13 4:43pm
Midfield Diamond
‘Pandora jewellery is a shit present’ claim throws men into Christmas turmoil

Lichfield resident Mick Brown had his world turned upside down today when his wife declared Pandora products were ‘crap’. The 35-year old self-employed decorator explained: ‘Me and Vicky have...

medici2471 24.12.13 4:38pm
Queen's Christmas Broadcast to be "delivered in rap".

In a suprise move Her Majesty the Queen will be delivering this years Christmas Broadcast in rap. it is thought that she wishes to dispel her stuffy image and show that she is "down with her...

Al OPecia 24.12.13 4:14pm
Yeezus One Step Closer To Becoming Jesus

American hip-hop artist Kanye West has given his fans a Christmas gift they will never forget, deciding to legally change his date of birth to 25 December 4BC. West’s groundbreaking age...

hihathawkins 24.12.13 3:52pm
Second coming of Jesus "will be prequel"

The second coming of Jesus will be an "origins" story explaining what he got up to for the 13.8 billion years before arriving in Bethlehem, according to the producer of the project, God. "We had...

jamsieoconnor 24.12.13 3:23pm
Christmas bombshell: Nigella's boobs all CGI claim Grillo sisters. 0
MADJEZ 24.12.13 1:00pm
Community accused of exploiting miser's breakdown

The people of Tricklewood, East London took advantage of local miser Eric Scrooge after he suffered a mental collapse, a jury at the High Court heard today. Renowned curmudgeon Scrooge was described...

Darkbill 2.0 24.12.13 12:43pm
Tory MP's To Put On Big Welcoming Party For New EU Migrants…..

…..Predicts amateur clairvoyant...

Jesse Bigg 24.12.13 12:12pm
Jesse Bigg
Cameron Portrait Artist Confused…..

…"Parliamentary orange? Or swanning around brown tan?...

Jesse Bigg 24.12.13 11:39am
Jesse Bigg
Bookies set to revolutionise event betting with 'Christmas Day, in-play'

Bookmakers are preparing to revolutionise Christmas event betting this year, by adding more personal choices to the popular Christmas Day betting market. Customers will now be able to gamble...

Jesus H 24.12.13 9:56am
New for Christmas 2013: Sky+ remote now lets you pause and rewind live arguments

Hurried onto the market for the important Christmas period, Sky TV have announced a new upgrade of their Sky+ remote control. Thanks to a new software upgrade with just one touch of a button...

nealdoran 24.12.13 9:42am
Jesus H
Border Agency stop Non-EU parcel delivery driver at midnight.

The UKBA in a joint operation with the Police, Trading Standards and the RSPCA have stopped a large delivery vehicle on Christmas Eve and foiled attempts to break numerous EU regulations. A spokesman...

MADJEZ 24.12.13 9:34am
Comic blames lack of wife and kids for UK tour flop

Northern comic, Johnny Bishford has blamed his single status and a ‘sad’ lack of kids for the failure of his recent UK tour. Poor box office returns and a thrashing from critics has forced the...

Dick Everyman 24.12.13 9:26am
Dick Everyman
Jason King in Royal Pardon Cock-Up

Simone Satchel, chairperson of the campaign LIPP (Lewd behaviour In Public Places), has praised the latest royal pardon for 70s TV star Jason King. "When Alan Turin was pardoned I said it was high...

Beer Sampler 24.12.13 9:16am
Beer Sampler
Pussy Rot activists responding well to antibiotics says Russian gynaecologist 0
Dick Everyman 24.12.13 8:12am
Dick Everyman hires head judge Len to award scores 0
antharrison 24.12.13 12:46am
Mikhail Kalashnikov dies - AK47s to come with free souvenir magazine 0
Smart Alex 23.12.13 11:17pm
Smart Alex
Guns don't kill people, hemorrhaging internal organs do...

Says Kalashnikov creator's family...

davetwojackets 23.12.13 11:12pm
sorry, i thought this was the writers' room 2
farmer giles 23.12.13 11:08pm
farmer giles
Water sports fans say they have had enough of it pissing down 0
davetwojackets 23.12.13 11:06pm
Severe weather warning - Chris Rea advised NOT to drive home for Christmas 9
Ian Searle 23.12.13 10:42pm
farmer giles
Whistleblower Snowden reveals NORAD doesn't really track Santa.

NSA man Edward Snowden has shocked the world with the revelation that millions of tax payer dollars spent tracking Santa's sleigh each year are siphoned off to shady intelligence operations. He...

MADJEZ 23.12.13 10:18pm
Move on, nothing to see here Saw this and set about writing the NB version. Hadn't seen what was on the front page. [Sound of cupboard...

Oxbridge 23.12.13 10:12pm
Marks & Spencer to excuse religious people from any rational activity...

Mike Sangster, HR Manager for Marks & Spencer, has clarified the company’s position on employees who, on religious grounds, refuse to serve customers buying alcohol, pork or any other products...

Tripod 23.12.13 9:50pm