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United manager: I need more time, especially at the end of tight games.

Saturday's Gossip: United's new manager, annoyed by the lack of time-added-on at the end of United's matches, plans corrective action to boost United's chances of at least a top 4 place. Following a...

0
weematt 28.12.13 10:24am
weematt
Nelson Column Enhancement Loan Of Elgin Marbles, At The Base...

…"Now get on that deck, "Nelly" and stop being a puffter, and start walking up and down; and don't forget to wave, you big sailor."...

0
Jesse Bigg 28.12.13 10:23am
Jesse Bigg
‘Turkey to join EU in time for next Christmas’ sprouts Brussels

The décor at Nigel Farage’s local pub was totally ruined when he heard the news and his head exploded. “His face looked as though someone had stuck two fingers up his asshole just before the...

2
farmer giles 28.12.13 5:55am
Lindy Moone
UK Greenpeace activists elect not to return home in horse drawn carriage 0
medici2471 28.12.13 1:13am
medici2471
Girl who's "naughty, but nice" confuses Santa by being on both lists 2
Smart Alex 27.12.13 9:46pm
Maverick
UK economy set to shrink as people do no work for a week

Over the last couple of months the UK economy has seen steady growth of about 37p. Unfortunately all the good work looks set to be undone as people do absolutely nothing for a week between Christmas...

0
James Pluside 27.12.13 3:58pm
James Pluside
Calls for Ofcom to investigate lack of 'Great Esacpe' on TV over Christmas 1
Ian Searle 27.12.13 1:50pm
clarksn
State of emergency declared as wheelie bins are blown over. More soon. 0
dominic_mcg 27.12.13 12:35pm
dominic_mcg
Selfies to become legal tender

With UK banks soon to follow the US in allowing customers to pay in cheques via their mobile, financial experts anticipate our entire photographic library will become an acceptable form of payment....

10
Wrenfoe 27.12.13 12:16pm
Oxbridge
Premier League manager ordered off praises referee's performance.

"I have never seen a performance like it from a referee" said Mark Hughes in his post match interview. "Right from the kick-off I could tell whose side he was on. He and his two assistants settled...

0
weematt 27.12.13 10:57am
weematt
Piers Morgan selected for 5th Test based on form against Brett Lee 0
Nick McCarr 27.12.13 7:38am
Nick McCarr
^%eEe” Alan Turing &*9))-_-

Computer pioneer and codebreaker Alan Turing has been given a posthumous royal pardon., It was great news said Glyn Hughes, sculptor of the Alan Turing Memorial in Manchester who described Turing's...

8
Gerontius 26.12.13 10:49pm
rickwestwell
Search party launched after Dr Who goes missing in luvvie land 0
ronseal 26.12.13 12:04pm
ronseal
England avoid follow-on in 4th Ashes test 1
Midfield Diamond 26.12.13 9:02am
Gerontius
"And After receiving my latest bill from Npower they can f*ck right off. C*nts"

Forthright and reflective tone to Queens speech. Hear One at 1. Merry Crimbo Biscuiteers All. xx...

0
blokefromstoke 25.12.13 1:10pm
blokefromstoke
Santa followed into houses by IDS to check presents to bedroom ratio

Santa Claus will have an unexpected follower through the skies this year as Iain Duncan Smith plans to visit every house in the UK on Christmas Eve. Using his back-of-a-fag-packet algorithm, the Work...

9
James Pluside 25.12.13 10:26am
Jesus H
"It wasn't a brand, it was a 'best before' date" claims surgeon 1
Ian Searle 25.12.13 9:03am
Wrenfoe
Christmas comes early for man who forgot to put his clocks back in October 4
D 25.12.13 9:02am
Wrenfoe
St Thomas Beckett slain - family blame faulty knight vision goggles 1
Smart Alex 25.12.13 9:01am
Wrenfoe
Met Office finally admits 'We haven't a fucking clue'

But we can tell you with 100% accuracy what happened earlier today...

1
antharrison 24.12.13 10:35pm
Maverick
Parent who couldn't find a PS4 this Christmas is unconsolable. 0
weematt 24.12.13 9:44pm
weematt
Surgeon branded as heartless, in 'eye for an eye' attack by patient 0
Ian Searle 24.12.13 7:41pm
Ian Searle
Suburban housewife single-handedly delivers Christmas yet again

June Pargeter has finally taken a moments rest this Christmas Eve, after single-handedly ensuring that all her extended family and friends will have the Christmas they deserve., With barely a...

0
Ironduke 24.12.13 5:53pm
Ironduke
Activision to launch Call Of Duty: Marks & Spencer's Foodhall on Christmas Eve

Video game developers Activision are to launch their most challenging Call Of Duty yet in a special seasonal edition of the franchise. The Marks and Spencer's Foodhall on Christmas Eve edition will...

1
andrewl81 24.12.13 4:43pm
Midfield Diamond
‘Pandora jewellery is a shit present’ claim throws men into Christmas turmoil

Lichfield resident Mick Brown had his world turned upside down today when his wife declared Pandora products were ‘crap’. The 35-year old self-employed decorator explained: ‘Me and Vicky have...

0
medici2471 24.12.13 4:38pm
medici2471
Queen's Christmas Broadcast to be "delivered in rap".

In a suprise move Her Majesty the Queen will be delivering this years Christmas Broadcast in rap. it is thought that she wishes to dispel her stuffy image and show that she is "down with her...

2
Al OPecia 24.12.13 4:14pm
godly1966
Yeezus One Step Closer To Becoming Jesus

American hip-hop artist Kanye West has given his fans a Christmas gift they will never forget, deciding to legally change his date of birth to 25 December 4BC. West’s groundbreaking age...

0
hihathawkins 24.12.13 3:52pm
hihathawkins
Second coming of Jesus "will be prequel"

The second coming of Jesus will be an "origins" story explaining what he got up to for the 13.8 billion years before arriving in Bethlehem, according to the producer of the project, God. "We had...

1
jamsieoconnor 24.12.13 3:23pm
ゴルゴ13
Christmas bombshell: Nigella's boobs all CGI claim Grillo sisters. 0
MADJEZ 24.12.13 1:00pm
MADJEZ
Community accused of exploiting miser's breakdown

The people of Tricklewood, East London took advantage of local miser Eric Scrooge after he suffered a mental collapse, a jury at the High Court heard today. Renowned curmudgeon Scrooge was described...

2
Darkbill 2.0 24.12.13 12:43pm
Sinnick