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Hackney Marshes park-keeper begins picking up dog-shit (just in case)

With memories of the World Cup in South Africa 2010 fresh in his mind, Hackney Park-Keeper Alan Pike has begun collecting dog shit "Just in case 2018 is re-located". The 73 year old is convinced...

Underconstruction 09.06.14 9:05am
I didn't want my son to end up talking to plants, says King Juan Carlos 2
sydalg 09.06.14 8:54am
Biographer uncertain about Heisenberg's principles. 2
Maverick 09.06.14 8:52am
Troys'r'us predict wooden horse will be xmas best-seller

High St giant Troys'r'us are hoping to storm the market and make their wooden horse the most sought after gift for extremists of all ages this Christmas. The game, which can involve up to 6 players...

Underconstruction 09.06.14 8:48am
Nursing home veteran charged with desertion by Oak Tree Care Ltd

A 97 year old D-Day veteran is to be court-marshalled after walking out of the dining area of his Shropshire nursing home and travelling to France. Billy Sims, a former infantryman, faces a possible...

Underconstruction 09.06.14 8:47am
Man without 4G still making a fist of it

Although Jake Blades (20) can't receive 4G where he lives, he is still soldiering on. 'It's a real struggle sometimes trying to get by on 3G,' he admits, 'but I'm determined to make a fist of it.'...

roybland 09.06.14 8:39am
Mail Reports School Children in Oxted Forced to Wear Black Turbans.

The paper has today revealed that the Curriculum for Oxted Comprehensive included; maintenance of the AK 47, honour killing, stoning etiquette, spot the infidel classes and disguising suicide vests. ...

Rumour Control 09.06.14 8:34am
Jimmy Savile, photocopier salesman, sues Savile estate for loss of earnings

A photocopier salesman from Bradford has successfully sued the estate of the late Jimmy Savile after he was sacked by his employer LB Photocopiers. James 'Jimmy' Savile brought the claim after being...

bookiesfriend 09.06.14 8:32am
Qatar latest: FIFA to conduct a second round of bribery.

Repost alert! I am reposting this because it is still topical, I made an error in the original and a repost just got on the FP...

weematt 09.06.14 8:14am
Vatican City on standby for World cup

Doubts over Cameroon’s participation in the World Cup has forced organisers into alerting Vatican City’s wild-card team, known as the ‘Holy Ballers’, to pack their bags in anticipation of a...

Mork 09.06.14 7:17am
Police Dogs Units to be Expanded to Include Poodles.

In an effort to combat the decline in numbers of police dogs and comply with diversity regulations, Police Dog training is now to be open to Poodles. Despite complaints from a number of hard line...

Rumour Control 09.06.14 5:52am
Rumour Control
Govt pledges ‘help to die’ for poor and ‘right to lie’ for politicians 0
farmer giles 08.06.14 6:12pm
farmer giles
Police search schools for condoms full of heroin after "Trojan Horse" tipoff 2
sydalg 08.06.14 4:48pm
Party leaders to be fined if their MPs don't attend parliament 3
blacklesbianandproudofit 08.06.14 4:13pm
Michael Gove threatens to visit the homes of persistent truants. More soon. 0
dominic_mcg 08.06.14 3:22pm
Naughty boys should be ‘disciplined’ says May

“Lessons must be learned” agreed Agent Gove as he bent over to accept his punishment...

farmer giles 08.06.14 2:52pm
farmer giles
Egypt swears in new Pharaoh

(Forgive me, I'm reposting this story just once; the election didn't make it very high on the news agenda at the time). Abdul Fattah al-Sisi has been inaugurated as Pharaoh of Egypt for the next...

Adrian Bamforth 08.06.14 2:09pm
Sinex and Vaporub in bidding war to sponsor Qatar World Cup 0
cinquecento 08.06.14 1:52pm
Culture secretary makes artistic ironical statement with Thatcher portrait

The art world yesterday expressed its delight at recently appointed culture secretary Sajid Javid's statement that he has a portrait of Lady Thatcher on his office wall. 'It's a brilliant exercise...

roybland 08.06.14 1:05pm
Time Team experts brought in to help speculate about Maddie dig finds 1
Bigglesworth 08.06.14 11:56am
Kelis Eros
Further embarrassment for FIFA as whistleblower claims Jim Fixed It for Qatar 0
Underconstruction 08.06.14 11:32am
ITV chief concerned Adrian Chiles may have totally evaporated in Miami

Forensic experts from the FBI have been drafted in to examine claims that Sports Presenter and all-round nice guy Adrian Chiles may have completely evaporated during England's protracted friendly in...

Underconstruction 08.06.14 11:29am
Anti homeless studs attract dozens of destitute Fakirs 0
Bigglesworth 08.06.14 11:24am
"We did not buy the world cup" insists Qatar, "we only got it for a year" 0
Bigglesworth 08.06.14 11:07am
Gove denies being Agent Smith from The Matrix

“I put the Gove into Government” he quipped as Muslim leaders warn of ‘extremists’ in Tory party...

farmer giles 08.06.14 10:18am
farmer giles
Sony tell FIFA anyone found guilty of World Cup corruption should walk,man 0
bookiesfriend 08.06.14 10:13am
Journaists Scrupulously Avoid Explaining What Gove & May Actually Disagree About 1
Titus 08.06.14 9:59am
Dun Dunkin
Tories accused of closing the stable door...

You know the rest...

Underconstruction 08.06.14 9:31am
Britain's Got Talent runner-up regrets not having used the phrases...

This is the biggest day of my life, Emotional rollercoaster, Bullied at school, It's been a journey, I've worked so hard for this, My...

Smart Alex 07.06.14 11:04pm
Smart Alex
Antonio Banderas finally agrees he could do better. 0
MADJEZ 07.06.14 10:45pm