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Government to insist on strict new driving test for The Undead 2
Gary Stanton 3 years

Members of the undead community may be forced to retake driving tests after complaints that they drive too slowly and cause major tailbacks, sources have revealed. The recommendation comes as new...

Water shortage: Don't see red, use your butt instead 0
weematt 3 years

Public advisory – hosepipe ban areas. People living in the hosepipe ban areas are advised to save rainwater by placing their butts under a rainwater spout during any rainfall. Whilst this is an...

Fiennes to take Newcastle Beauties to South Pole 1
Mark Gregory 3 years

To mark the 100th anniversary of Scott reaching Antarctica, Sir Ranulph Fiennes is seeking to recruit young women from Newcastle for his next trip to the South Pole. The veteran explorer said...

Brooks allowed home after "Coming over all unnecessary" 0
Drylaw 3 years
Striking Librarians Bring National Chaos 0
Mark Gregory 3 years

The nation has been plunged into chaos following a lightning strike today by librarians and library assistants, protesting against public sector spending cuts. The doors of hundreds of libraries...

Pope Benedict is just an old German guy full of shit, says taxi driver 0
roybland 3 years

The Pope is just an old German guy full of shit, according to London taxi driver Bruce Hicks. And Mr Hicks says that the Archbishop of Canterbury is also full of shit. Mr Hicks, who is well-known...

Lords Resistance Army announces policy shift. 2
dammit 3 years

The child brutality and murder community was reported to be ‘in shock’ last night after the surprise announcement of a ‘paradigm shift’ in the operational tactics of the terrorist group...

Hosepipe ban to hit colonic irrigation practitioners 2
JustSomeBloke 3 years

More to come...

Experts disagree on who can be labelled an Expert 0
Dumbnews 3 years
Scots to limit caffeine in alcohol, too many MSPs awake during debates 0
weematt 3 years

The Labour party in Scotland have proposed setting a maximum limit to the amount of caffeine in alcoholic drinks. Debates in the Scottish Parliament have been taking far too long due to MSPs...

Angela Merkin - did they throw the wrong bit away? 0
JustSomeBloke 3 years
Police cell prices shoot up in price after celebrity endorsements 0
apepper 3 years

Thousands of police cells have become sought after accommodation following many wealthy celebrities moving in to them. "It used to be quite cheap to get a cell.", explain PC World, "12 cans of lager...

London rappers hit by hose ban 0
apepper 3 years

Rap artists in London and the South-East of England have been forced to rewrite many of their lyrics following the ban of hoses...

Hornpipe Ban “may ease drought conditions” says Royal Navy. 0
nickb 3 years

Sailors are to ban the hornpipe as part of a plan to ring much needed rain to the South of England. The Sailor’s Hornpipe is traditionally associated with a plea for fine weather, and the Ministry...

Anti 'nanny state' campaign founders as public asks 'what's a nanny?' 1
Skylarking 3 years

A major new campaign to roll back the so-called ‘nanny state’ has been pulled after only two weeks. The multi-million pound campaign ‘No to Nasty Nanny Oversight!’ (NNNO!) was pulled...

Pub-name row as ‘The Hobbit’ forced to rebrand as ‘The Hairy-Footed Midget’ 0
grumblechops 3 years

Following a legal notice from the Hollywood production company behind the Lord of the Rings (LOTR) films, Southampton pub ‘The Hobbit’ says it has no option but to change its name, with the...

Leading scientists mystefied by how to buy pants that fit 0
Dumbnews 3 years
Racialist anagram writer just being satirical 7
simonjmr 3 years
Cyberdyne Systems to install smart meters in the UK 2
Landfill 3 years

http://i2.listal.com/image/472396/250full.jpg The government has announced that every home in the UK is to be fitted with a smart meter, a device that measures precisely the amount of gas and...

Struck off dermatologist stops making rash decisions. 0
JETFAB 3 years
Brooks arrested for breaching horse bribe ban 9
charlies_hat 3 years
Cameron to fight Sarkozy after The French arm British badgers 1
mohanboone 3 years

A boxing match is to be held between David Cameron and Nicolas Sarkozy in Paris next week, a government spokesman informed us last night. The fight is set to take place under the Arc De Triumph and...

Liverpool Supporter not racist, say Liverpool Supporters 0
AndyOverhead 3 years

And that's good enough for us, say the CPS...

Hosepipe ban horror hits Home Counties 2
roybland 3 years

Water companies across southern and eastern England are to impose hosepipe bans amid drought conditions said to be as severe as on some parts of the Moon. 'Whole populations of the Home Counties...

Neighbours astonished after man who kept himself to himself doesn’t kill anyone. 6
Ian Searle 3 years
‘happiest moment of my year is about 3 hours before the 1st race at Cheltenham' 0
simonjmr 3 years

Said Charlie Brooks in the Telegraph, didn't envisage he'd be spending it in a police cell More soon...

Olympic sex tourism hit by ho's pipe ban 0
medici2471 3 years

more soon..hat tip simonjmr...

Islington man discovers wine that 'tastes like wine' 1
roybland 3 years

When Islington man Ferdinand Baxter visited his local Waitrose he didn't expect to find the wine he'd been searching for for years. 'I casually picked up this bottle of red and started to read the...

Lonely spaceflights may damage eyesight of male astronauts 0
simonjmr 3 years

In the following thread Ironduke asked if there was a policy of wanking on the international space station, seems there might be with today's news, http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=34880...

Newsflash: Brooks Not Under Arrest, Just Organizing a Horse 0
Deimos 3 years

Earlier reports that Rebekah Brooks has been arrested have now been corrected after the situation has been clarified. It appears that following the return of her Police Force loan horse, Mrs. Brooks...