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Met Police to start reform by being 'nicer on Tuesdays'

Police officers in London are to be nicer on Tuesdays, Scotland Yard has announced. "We'll not be murdering newsvendors, perverting the course of justice, leaking news to tabloids for money or...

1
nickb 12.01.14 11:03am
CulchaVulcha
David Dickinson signs up to the be the new face of Orange Wednesdays. More soon. 1
deskpilot3 12.01.14 11:01am
CulchaVulcha
Disney pledge to reduce sugar in products

More to follow...

8
apepper 12.01.14 11:01am
CulchaVulcha
Ariel should get great reception in heaven 1
topfotogmw 12.01.14 10:59am
CulchaVulcha
Clothing brand ‘North Face’ faces competition from ‘2-Faced Cunt’

“I got the idea when I noticed a large percentage of people I was aware of who wear the ‘North Face’ clothing brand, are in fact two-faced cunts.” said 2-Faced Cunt founder Sad Wanker-Troll....

2
Damien_H 12.01.14 10:27am
virtuallywill
Dyslexic pilot crashes into Futon Airport

New Zealand pilot Tyler Proudfoot, who twice crashed his lightweight aircraft onto a beach last Thursday, has admitted to suffering from an extreme form of dyslexia. He explained that whilst engine...

0
Landfill 12.01.14 10:00am
Landfill
US Geological Surveyors report "Colorado is no longer square"

Cartographers at the US Geological Survey have reported in a news conference that since the turn of the year, the state of Colorado is no longer square. "Its borders keep moving and changing" said...

13
AReader 12.01.14 9:38am
Yikes
'They burned me with a soldering iron', says first teacher to fail MOT

Teachers up and down the country have today slammed a recent move to introduce standard classroom tests, dubbed 'classroom MOTs', after an early report revealed that thousands of experienced teachers...

6
Jesus H 11.01.14 10:17pm
Sinnick
Uproar on Tatooine over Lars' "lawful killing" verdict. 2
jamesr 11.01.14 9:04pm
Ref Minor
Iain Duncan Smith’s barber ‘to be knighted’

“Bob usually does a great job of hiding my lunatic fringe” quipped Mr Smith “but he makes my centre parting a bit too wide on occasion. At least I don’t wear a wig, like some I could name.”...

1
farmer giles 11.01.14 8:54pm
Sinnick
Schumacher wins Carry On Matron bed race - Bresslaw close second 0
Drylaw 11.01.14 7:35pm
Drylaw
Floods "bad for business" say Thames Valley streetwalkers 0
Drylaw 11.01.14 7:30pm
Drylaw
Morbidly obese New Yorker ate his way out of snowdrift

A 72 stone New Yorker is recovering in the City's hospital after eating his way out of a 15 foot snowdrift. The drama unfolded as 32 year old Gonzalez Himinez, lost control of his pick-up truck,...

1
Underconstruction 11.01.14 5:29pm
deskpilot3
Sharon dies of embarrassment "because of girl's name"

Israeli doctors have confirmed that former prime minister, Ariel Sharon, died of embarrassment at his "girly" surname...

2
apepper 11.01.14 3:32pm
pere floza
Millions die of boredom as 'binge abstinence' takes NHS to breaking point

Doctors’ leaders have called on the government to take urgent action against a new social phenomenon which has caused the sudden deaths of men the length and breadth of the UK. Affecting mainly...

2
nedge 11.01.14 3:16pm
Tripod
Staffrooms to be equipped with hoops for teachers to jump through before class. 0
dominic_mcg 11.01.14 1:16pm
dominic_mcg
Whale washed up on beach. Dolphin dried up and porpoise put away. 4
Not Amused 11.01.14 11:59am
nickb
UK flood defence system ‘as right as rain’ says Cam

In a broadcast to the nation from the nuclear submarine HMS Astute just off Aberystwyth, where he has set up an emergency cabinet room, Dave said: “I want to assure the public there is absolutely...

0
farmer giles 11.01.14 8:01am
farmer giles
Y Did a chciken go to Tihland? - 2

It was a pedo. FOR CHIKS!!!!...

47
FDubois 11.01.14 12:25am
Al OPecia
Allardyce recalls Hitzlsperger to Irons to "stiffen up the back four". 0
Al OPecia 11.01.14 12:22am
Al OPecia
Government to introduce unicorn cull

NFU contractors have been awarded £27 million to cull all the unicorns from North Devon. A spokesman said they are confident that a 70% reduction in unicorn numbers over the next 6 months...

3
apepper 10.01.14 9:49pm
Ref Minor
Sugar dealer Poppins accepts role of heroin in latest sickly sweet film 0
irreverendJ 10.01.14 9:44pm
irreverendJ
Schumacher 17th on the grid at Belfast hospital

Michael Schumacher will need to display all of his tactical guile to ever get to theatre, after failing to secure a front of grid place at Belfast's Royal Victoria Hospital, according to surgical...

6
Underconstruction 10.01.14 9:13pm
Yikes
Ashley Young faces diving ban after pleading guilty to spelling offences 0
irreverendJ 10.01.14 9:13pm
irreverendJ
BBC broadcast most boring weather forecast in 60 years 0
Kevin the Swan 10.01.14 6:29pm
Kevin the Swan
Buzzfeed list changes man's life

More soon....

0
David K 10.01.14 6:04pm
David K
Armed officers to be issued with "eZ wipe" memory cards.

The Metropolitan Police announced today that all armed response officers would be issued with specialist memory cards to enable them to more easily store the hours of footage they are recording with...

0
Bigglesworth 10.01.14 4:25pm
Bigglesworth
Parking enforcement officer wins Street Photographer of the Year Award

A parking enforcement officer from Cardiff has won the coveted International Street Photographer of the Year Award, beating off worldwide competition from acclaimed photographers. When Reginald...

0
Dick Everyman 10.01.14 3:06pm
Dick Everyman
Chirping smoke alarm shortlisted for Brit Award

What began a series of barely audible warning noises, has quickly become a front runner for the prestigious music prize. Beeping Smoke Alarm (B.S.A.) is set to be the most downloaded act of 2014;...

0
Wrenfoe 10.01.14 2:35pm
Wrenfoe
Herman Goering: 'invasion of foreigners' is a populist myth

Berlin, 1940: Herman Goering, head of the German Wermacht, says 'invasion of foreigners' is a populist myth spread by politicians. Claims that there are there are hundreds of thousands of German...

1
steve_l 10.01.14 2:29pm
Titus