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'Watch it, poor people', warns financial regulator

The financial regulator has issued a threat to poor people, who are really asking for it, being poor and everything. A spokesperson said: “Most of the poor are living off benefits, which is...

0
monkeyrepublic 02.05.13 12:43pm
monkeyrepublic
Victims of school bullying urged to fight back with poetry

A leading authority on English literature has suggested a revolutionary approach to battling school bullies - the recitation of poetry. Professor John Barking of Hay-on-Rye University says that the...

1
sredni vashta 02.05.13 12:04pm
sredni vashta
UKIP launch investigation into 'normal' candidate

UKIP leader Nigel Farage has ordered an urgent investigation into how their candidate for West Wiltshire, Dave Morgan, appears to be perfectly normal. 'He has a lovely wife and two lovely children,...

0
John Wiltshire 02.05.13 11:43am
John Wiltshire
Amanda Knox to visit Meredith Kercher's grave - buys hob-nailed dancing boots

No more soon - or ever, we hope...

0
John Wiltshire 02.05.13 11:32am
John Wiltshire
UKIP cuts ties with Pepsi

In move designed to distance themselves from the carbonated soft -drink manufacturer, Nigel Farage (UKIP Leader) was forced to disavow Pepsi’s latest advertising campaign. Pepsi, a long term...

2
Wrenfoe 02.05.13 11:29am
Titus
Corrie stars Michael Le Vel and Peter Adamson to appear as character witnesses. 3
MADJEZ 02.05.13 11:16am
MADJEZ
Wealthy pensioners urged to "cut back on portraits"

The Department for Work and Pensions today issued guidelines considered by opponents to be the second wave of an attack on universality of benefits for people of pensionable age. "We think it is...

0
johnnydobbo 02.05.13 10:57am
johnnydobbo
The Rovers Returns to it's roots and renamed The Yewtree

Historical acts performed by Historical actors...

6
Vanburger 02.05.13 10:48am
raudus
Greeks to stage “Fifty Shades of Grey” the Musical

In response to tough austerity measures under way in Greece, trade unions have decided to stage a 24 hour musical extravaganza based on E.L James’ erotic trilogy. Cashing in on the economic...

4
Wrenfoe 02.05.13 10:43am
Wrenfoe
Hall clarifies: “pernicious, callous, cruel and above all spurious” means true 0
Yikes 02.05.13 10:12am
Yikes
In Business: Joe Dixon of Spondoolica Group

Joe Dixon is CEO of Spondoolica Group, whose mission statement reveals that they “seek to empower the people of Britain, boost consumer confidence and stimulate the sustained customer-led economic...

3
Sir Lupus 02.05.13 10:08am
Sir Lupus
UKIP campaign for Primark to build "British sweatshops for British workers" 0
Sir Lupus 02.05.13 9:58am
Sir Lupus
Surviving workers suggest Primark pay compensation upfront as "decent wages" 0
Sir Lupus 02.05.13 9:57am
Sir Lupus
Ronnie O’Sullivan retires, un-retires, retires again during mid-session interval

Enigmatic reigning World Snooker Champion, Ronnie O’Sullivan, today retired, changed his mind and then reverted to his original decision again during the 10-minute break between sessions in his...

4
Long Distance Clara 02.05.13 9:39am
Wrenfoe
The next passenger to arrive at platform 3...

The next passenger to arrive at platform 3 is the 02/04/13 passenger Mr Bob Alderdice traveling to Denton. This passenger will call at Teeside Airport, Dorking West and Denton. This passenger will...

0
irreverendJ 02.05.13 5:59am
irreverendJ
Google Street View figure arrested for voyeurism 0
Dick Everyman 02.05.13 5:50am
Dick Everyman
Operation Yewtree jurisdiction 'complicated' by Barlow

Confusion reigns at Police HQ as officers and the accused alike remain unsure whether the Operation Yewtree accusations and charges are to be applied to Ken Barlow or Bill Roach. “We’re not...

2
Newsquelch 02.05.13 5:47am
Gerontius
Subsidised patches to wean bees off neonicotinoids

Following a Europe-wide ban on neonicotinoids, bees are to be offered patches to help them cope with withdrawal. Representatives of the pharmaceuticals industry have complained that other devices,...

17
monkeyrepublic 02.05.13 5:39am
Gerontius
David Tennant shock confession: "I am identical triplets"

The ubiquitous actor David Tennant has confessed to being three identical siblings, via a statement from his agent. “I regret misleading the public in this way, and blame my heartfelt ambition to...

6
nickb 02.05.13 5:29am
Dick Everyman
William Roache: "If she'd accepted she was pure love it wouldn't have happened." 0
Idiot 01.05.13 9:28pm
Idiot
Evidence that soap star Roache has lived up to his name 0
topfotogmw 01.05.13 8:59pm
topfotogmw
'Dutch Roundabouts an Abomination' says Mary Whitehouse.

The news that London will 'road test' Dutch roundabout systems has evoked outrage from Mary Whitehouse, daughter of famous prude, Mary Whitehouse. Interviewed earlier today, the spinster do-gooder...

2
No Beard 01.05.13 6:33pm
Skylarking
Google to launch rival to the Large Hadron Collider

Google announced today that they will be launching their own version of the Large Hadron Collider later in the year. A spokesman said: 'Like all our versions of other people's ideas, it won't look...

1
John Wiltshire 01.05.13 6:28pm
Skylarking
Why do white people love to call each other the R word, asks Reginald D Hunter

Nervous liberal minded whites have been "doing a reginald" and started calling themselves taboo names, in a bid to rid the perjorative terms of their hurtful meaning. Pasty faced caucasians,...

0
ronseal 01.05.13 5:57pm
ronseal
"Coronation Street" To Be Renamed "Gropecunt Lane" 0
Mike Turbine-Hamilton 01.05.13 5:22pm
Mike Turbine-Hamilton
Barnet fans ‘disappointed’ that EU neonicotinoid ban came too late to save Bees

Supporters of Barnet Football Club, whose nickname is the Bees, have criticised the European Commission for taking too long to ban neonicotinoids. Fifteen countries recently voted in favour of a ban...

3
Midfield Diamond 01.05.13 5:08pm
Midfield Diamond
Davvid Icke's sense of reality to be fitted with GPS tag

Scientists are planning to fit David Icke's grasp of what is real with a GPS tag to discover if it ever approaches planet Earth. "It is unlikely to get closer than several million miles.", explained...

0
apepper 01.05.13 4:54pm
apepper
Dementia patients to be loaded with Angry Birds

In a controversial move by Sussex authorities, the elderly are to be loaded with popular phone games Angry Birds and Candy Crush to make them less boring. The latest move follows the recent...

0
monkeyrepublic 01.05.13 4:03pm
monkeyrepublic
NRA stands firm on America's right to use neonicotinoids

The NRA in America has reacted strongly to the European ban on neonicotinoids. "It is the God-given right of every American" said their speaker George W Fahrenheit XI, "to kill bees by any means...

0
blacklesbianandproudofit 01.05.13 3:38pm
blacklesbianandproudofit
Man Says . . . . / . . ; Morse Soon

(Completely ripped off from Sinnick. So blame him.) In order to be even remotely funny - or at least satirical - probably needs to be expanded, perhaps to something like 'Isle of Wight...

1
Titus 01.05.13 3:20pm
Sinnick