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Vince Cable Stolen For Scrap 5
mpaterson 3 years

MPs attending an evening debate on welfare reforms were delayed for four hours last night after thieves risked life and limb to steal Vince Cable outside Kings Cross. The rise in this type of crime...

D'Oliveira falls short of his century. More soon. 0
dominic_mcg 3 years

RIP Basil. A cricketing genius...

......tumbleweed....... 0
Al OPecia 3 years
EU bans ‘alcohol makes you drunk’ claim... 0
John Ffitch-Rucker 3 years

after announcing that water could not be used to treat dehydration...

Comic Sans used to prevent bank note fraud 1
kimllfixit 3 years

Chief Cashier for the Bank of England Chris Salmon was proud to announce the latest tool in currency fraud prevention at the recent release of the new £50 note; the use of Comic Sans for all text. ...

Man who shook hands with Sepp Blatter apologises ‘for causing offence’ 10
Long Distance Clara 3 years

A man who yesterday shook hands with embattled FIFA president Sepp Blatter has sought to downplay the significance of his actions and apologise for any offence he may have caused. ‘It was never my...

Music industry declares victory in battle against home taping 7
Gong of Fur 3 years

After thirty years of bitter struggle, jubilant music industry representatives today claimed a final victory in the battle against home taping. Their campaign, with its slogan "Home taping is...

Jimmy Savile book of euphemistic tributes to be launched for Christmas 14
Clarky 3 years

Inspired by the outpouring of indifference and thinly disguised insults voiced by former colleagues and acquaintances of the late DJ and TV presenter, Sir Jimmy Savile, Oxbridge University Press is...

Tobin Denies Tax Proposal 0
Mike Turbine-Hamilton 3 years

Serial killer and rapist, Peter Tobin, has denied suggesting the imposition of a transaction tax, now supported by the Merkel-Sarkozy axis. "I may be a perverted psychopath", said Tobin, "but I'm...

Cameron and Merkel talks end in night of unbridled passion 7
Darkbill 2.0 3 years

Talks between UK PM David Cameron and German Chancellor Angela Merkel over the Eurozone crisis spilled over into a night of furious lovemaking. Initially, relations between the two leaders appeared...

Physicists measuring speed of light set to confirm existence of flying pigs 2
kga6 3 years

Physicists measuring the speed of neutrinos at CERN today have reported another case of the speed of light being exceeded. However, this time during the tests, members of the team witnessed what they...

Norfolk Police helicopter grounded as locals 'no longer point'. 4
Perks 3 years

Police in Norfolk have today announced the disbanding of their force helicopter. The move comes as the local criminal fraternity have discovered what the 'magic flying thing' was. 'The force...

Government announces meerkat cull after nationwide nausea epidemic. More soon. 0
dominic_mcg 3 years
Ken Livingstone: "I didn't vote in the last series of X Factor" 0
mpaterson 3 years

Ken Livingstone has admitted that he didn't vote for Matt Cardle last year, claiming to have "never heard of him"...

Archbishop disappointed with same-sex wedding plans; wants to get married now 0
apepper 3 years

The archbishop of Westminster has expressed disappointment at government plans to introduce same-sex marriages in March 2012; "I don't want to wait; like many clergymen, we want to get married to our...

Jimmy Savile's grave topped off with concrete 0
Scroat 3 years

"That's fixed it for him," says undertaker. "We just want to be sure he doesn't come back."...

Neutrino found to have taken artificial stimulants, record wiped from books. 0
Immunis 3 years
Blatter - "I'd never say anything racist as most of my best friends are racists" 0
brownpaperreporter 3 years

more handshakes later...

Farmer to pay back subsidies after EU discovers he planted his wife. More soon. 0
dominic_mcg 3 years
MoD spends £600m on consultants to decide who they can legally shoot 3
3 years

The Ministry of Defence has been criticised for wasting £600m on consultants, from a budget that could have been spent on ammunition, rendition flights and new sign posts for Royal Wootton Bassett....

Blatter suggests ending Stephen Lawrence trial with a handshake 11
Mark66 3 years
MoD equipment purchasers to work at the front line 0
Immunis 3 years

In a shock move by defence secretary Philip Hammond to improve the quality of equipment procurement, the civil servants that are responsible for purchasing military hardware are to be sent to the...

Blatter to ban black people from wearing poppies. 0
John Ffitch-Rucker 3 years
Protestors take over USB... 0
John Ffitch-Rucker 3 years

now how will I connect my printer?...

I witness Tyrant Blatter finally run to ground: Foreign Latest 0
Drylaw 3 years

They gathered at dusk in the bars and restaurants of the teeming Zurich bazaar and by midnight President Blatter's HQ had been besieged and his bloodied corpse lay in the dusty street outside. I...

Rare Picasso portrait of German Chancellor entitled "Angular Merkel" discovered 0
simonjmr 3 years
Protesters admit error of inviting Josie Long to occupied UBS building 3
ndbrown123 3 years

The occupiers of the deserted UBS offices admitted they 'should never have invited Josie Long to perform' in the building. Since the announcement, reports of almost half the occupying contingency...

The "Peston" adopted as the international unit of measurement of smugness 2
grottymonty 3 years

The International Standards Authority has to day confirmed that the Peston will now sit alongside the metre, gram and second as a unit of measure. Absolute Peston is defined as 273kP, the rest of the...

"Won't pay? Then don't pay" says Treasury's Danny Alexander 5
dvo4fun 3 years

Letters have gone out from HMRC to 6000 UK Swiss bank account holders, suspected of contributing to £14bn annual tax avoidance. "This tough no-nonsense letter sets out the options, asking two simple...

Norfolk County Council outlaws 1
grottymonty 3 years