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Metropolitan Police invest in three giant ‘Boris Johnson enemas’

Although the Home Secretary is yet to approve their use, London has purchased a trio of water cannons designed to relive the capital of unpleasant faecal impaction – or in laymen’s terms ‘six...

Wrenfoe 13.06.14 5:23am
Brazilians celebrate World Cup win by putting their clothes back on 0
Dumbnews 13.06.14 3:59am
I'm not named after a Scottish orphan Neymar tells reporters 1
Scronnyglonkle 12.06.14 10:16pm
Brazilian protests against Andy Townsend continue. 0
Ref Minor 12.06.14 10:02pm
Ref Minor
Water cannon to be used on passport protesters says Boris Johnson. 0
Tammy Flugh 12.06.14 9:57pm
Tammy Flugh
World Saved By 5p Charge for Carrier Bags

But, just to make sure, customers will also be required to carry armfulls of slices of bread unless they also pay 5p for a wrappers on their sliced loaves and to bring a collection of buckets for...

Titus 12.06.14 9:53pm
Al OPecia
BMW driver has existential crisis in middle of risky overtaking manoeuvre

A man driving a 5-series BMW has had a sudden moment of existential despair whilst attempting to overtake a tractor and 2 cars on a single carriageway arterial route in the midlands. ‘I overtook...

bookiesfriend 12.06.14 9:53pm
Satanist schools demand right to religious freedom

Satanist schools from across the country are protesting against the recent backlash against faith based schools, and demand to have their religious freedom protected against the government's secular...

David K 12.06.14 8:42pm
Government announces new "Hokey Cokey" pension scheme

"You put your payments in, we take your payments out. In out in out. Then we shake you all about. We check that you've no money or we'll confiscate the lot. That's what it's all about" explained a...

vulture1 12.06.14 8:38pm
Free copy of the Sun transforms hearts and minds

'My life will never be quite the same again,' says Michael Morton (42). 'Yesterday's free Sun has opened up new worlds for me.' It's a sentiment that today can be heard the length and breadth of...

roybland 12.06.14 8:35pm
Eric Pickles to be classed as a disability 1
sydalg 12.06.14 8:33pm
prosthetic limb cargo ship sinks with all hands

More to follow...

apepper 12.06.14 8:31pm
prosthetic limb cargo ship on final leg 0
apepper 12.06.14 8:30pm
prosthetic limb cargo ship will break arms embargo

There's more...

apepper 12.06.14 8:29pm
Blair says 'I told you there were terrorists in Iraq' 1
Dun Dunkin 12.06.14 8:29pm
Sir Lupus
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber offspring could be densest objects in universe"

Scientists have expressed fears that Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber could mate in the future and produce offspring. "We've always been confident that the environment to produce a black hole can't...

apepper 12.06.14 8:24pm
Sir Lupus
"They'll not give anyone a British passport these day's" grumbles Mail 0
Bigglesworth 12.06.14 8:16pm
World Goes to War While World distracted by World Cup.

Good time to bury bodies...

Dun Dunkin 12.06.14 8:16pm
Dun Dunkin
Concern mounts as Glen Johnson picked to lead defence of Baghdad 0
Mandy Lifeboat 12.06.14 8:02pm
Mandy Lifeboat
Donuts to be classed as Fatogenic

Nothing to do with legal additives that are designed to not make you feel full no matter how much you eat or to be more addictive than cigarettes...

Dun Dunkin 12.06.14 7:46pm
Dun Dunkin
Illegal Migrants are easy to Spot because they are the only ones with a Passport 0
Dun Dunkin 12.06.14 7:41pm
Dun Dunkin
Brazilian protestors take a break to watch the World Cup matches 0
Dumbnews 12.06.14 6:47pm
Protests in Brazil over.. oh who gives a shit where’s the football. 0
MADJEZ 12.06.14 6:08pm
BBC’s Glastonbury coverage to be ‘sponsored’ by Daily Mail letters page

The BBC and the Daily Mail have reached an agreement regarding the TV and radio coverage of the Glastonbury Festival at the end of the month. Although the BBC does not accept direct sponsorship, it...

Midfield Diamond 12.06.14 5:12pm
Al OPecia
People of Winchester plan uprising to restore the Kingdom of Wessex

A mass protest outside Waitrose initially started by the withdrawal of free coffee privileges from loyalty card holders spending less than a tenner quickly turned ugly when a squad of riot shopping...

vulture1 12.06.14 4:22pm
Passport backlog ‘caused by profitable illegal immigrant forgery sideline’ 1
farmer giles 12.06.14 3:58pm
Breakfast TV Reveals Yoghurt Pot Recycling Crisis

Whilst large parts of the world sink into civil war, mayhem and destruction, BBC Plonker-Vision tackles the weighty problem of if you can put yoghurt pots in recycling bins. A couple of pillocks...

Rumour Control 12.06.14 3:57pm
UK Passport Office to recruit Bulgarian clerks

- variation of Dun Dunkin's idea...

Sinnick 12.06.14 3:13pm
Passport Staff Crisis Shows More Migrants Needed.

Bribery to become 'way of life'...

Dun Dunkin 12.06.14 2:07pm
Dun Dunkin
EU to rule on whether 'rank stupidity' is a disability

Employers across Europe are today waiting on a decision from the European Courts on whether 'a gross sense of self-entitlement and no self-control' counts as a disability under EU law. Office...

RobArmstrong 12.06.14 2:04pm