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NCP placed in charge of Border controls at Heathrow.

England: No spaces available, Scotland: Spaces available (Note: relocating in 2015), Wales: Closed for business, Cornwall: unavailable due to flooding...

Robert Koch 19.06.14 1:25pm
Robert Koch
Doncaster Rovers new owner wants to take club in a new direction 0
Thundi 19.06.14 1:21pm
Hull's successful bid to be UK City of Culture 2017- Qatari backers revealed 7
Thundi 19.06.14 1:15pm
Robert Koch
Conservatives Desperate To Ensure Miliband Remains Labour Leader 1
Titus 19.06.14 1:11pm
Robert Koch
Estate dispersion halted, we can’t find the will to continue claim Lawyers 1
Thundi 19.06.14 12:54pm
Nobody says anything but Ascot is no longer quite right.

Subtly the nobs of England are drifting away from the booze and bonk fest that is present-day Ascot. One cannot say exactly why, but royal correspondents heroically try to pretend all is unchanged....

vulture1 19.06.14 12:50pm
Toilet humour cures shy peeing.

Grimsby resident Mr George Heptenstall 68 recounted his miraculous cure to our reporter. I was just coming back from the seed merchant with a box of pigeon food for my birds when I was caught short....

Thundi 19.06.14 12:32pm
UK airport passport control to be streamlined - 'EU,Non-EU, Returning Jihadist' 2
bookiesfriend 19.06.14 12:19pm
UK PM rocked by spelling error as Boko Haram target Cameroon. 0
Thundi 19.06.14 12:06pm
McDonalds recruit 9,000 youths. Cheaper than using beef. 1
MADJEZ 19.06.14 12:00pm
Statue of Eric Pickles to replace useless fat blue cock on 4th plinth 0
beckfordburger 19.06.14 11:41am
Rooney headbutts opposite number after misreading team name on jersey 1
Nick McCarr 19.06.14 11:03am
Police investigate hoax call claiming Phil Neville's family mugged at knifepoint

Hopefully that will get him to return to Blighty!...

custard cream 19.06.14 11:03am
custard cream
Gillings' global dementia report found in the fridge 1
cinquecento 19.06.14 10:54am
custard cream
Volkswagon Golf Open halted as greens are unplayable after first round. 0
Thundi 19.06.14 10:23am
"‘terrible, long summer’ if England lose tonigh

"and Scotland will vote yes for independenceIt can not get worse!" says PM David Cameron In other news Alex Salmond and Carwyn Jones said that it'll be a "Terrible, long summer if England winjust...

ionb 19.06.14 10:07am
Letter Z to quit alphabet

In an unprecedented move, the letter Z is to leave the alphabet after centuries of loyal service. At a press conference, the 26th character said, “I’ve had enough. It’s been bad enough always...

Sundialer 19.06.14 9:59am
Plain Spain no longer reign 0
farmer giles 19.06.14 9:40am
farmer giles
New evidence,’ Hooligan’ Titanic Captain blamed for disrupting Iceberg migration 0
Thundi 19.06.14 9:11am
David Cameron to sell your grandmother to producers of natural gas 0
Ian Searle 19.06.14 9:05am
Ian Searle
Terror threat raised as fire brigade reveal location of Colchester Zoo

Essex Fire Authority apologised today for revealing the hitherto top secret location of Colchester Zoo. It blamed a 'failure to properly redact' the document entitled 'This is the way to the best...

RobArmstrong 19.06.14 8:51am
People forced to keep it to themselves that Facebook has crashed

More to follow...

apepper 19.06.14 8:20am
Winning scarecrow 'outstanding in his field' 4
Smart Alex 19.06.14 8:06am
Lens Cap
England players keep boredom at bay by following crisis in Middle-East

Roy Hodgson and his England squad appear to have resolved the age old problem of how to avoid boredom at a world cup by keeping a close watch on the unfolding events in Iraq. ‘Previous squads have...

bookiesfriend 19.06.14 8:02am
Salad sandwich ejected from Royal Ascot for breaching dress code 2
sydalg 19.06.14 7:41am
SOMEBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition as World cup holders out.

More soon.

MADJEZ 19.06.14 7:38am
Peter Robinson claims Rodney King beating was 'peaceful protest'. 0
No Beard 19.06.14 7:34am
No Beard
Losing Spanish Footie Team 'Were Demoralised By Abdication Of King Carlos'. 0
Titus 19.06.14 7:13am
Miliband Plans To Abolish All Welfare Benefits In Bid To Popularise Labour 0
Titus 19.06.14 7:10am
Spanish football team abdicate, ending their four year reign. 0
MADJEZ 19.06.14 6:35am