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Savile to be expelled from Heaven for molesting a cherub

A spokesman for Heaven confirmed today that Jimmy Savile is to be rehoused in Hell after further allegations that he 'fondled cherubs inappropriately'. Underpaid and overworked guardian angels were...

Squudge 05.06.14 10:30pm
sponge finger
Chaos as stockpiling of carrier bags enters its second day. More soon. 4
dominic_mcg 05.06.14 9:52pm
Judge at Gary Glitter trial promises "to throw the fucking key away" this time

we can only hope...

AReader 05.06.14 9:41pm
US to develop fantastic new Twitter sarcasm detector. 1
Ref Minor 05.06.14 9:38pm
Justin Bieber singing racist slurs already topping Billboard charts

It came as a shock to many Beliebers when a video was leaked of the Canadian pop-infant singing a racist take on his 2009 single "One less lonely girl", but it will be no surprise to those of us who...

D 05.06.14 8:53pm
Queen in an unreasonably priced carriage 0
sydalg 05.06.14 8:07pm
All that is Glitter's is not old 1
irreverendJ 05.06.14 8:07pm
Ref Minor
A day after opening it, the Queen closes parliament

24 hours after the state opening of Parliament, a woman believed to be the Queen has crept back into the building to close it again. The incident happened in the small hours of the morning. The doors...

laurencescott 05.06.14 5:14pm
Iain Duncan Smith 'stays in bed with the curtains closed' say neighbours

Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith is said by neighbours to be still in bed with the curtains closed when they return from work at the end of the day. 'It's since he made a balls of...

roybland 05.06.14 4:00pm
D-Day veteran perfectly happy with long term outcome of fighting for his country 1
Bigglesworth 05.06.14 2:20pm
Area 16-Year-Old Expresses Disappointment that Newborn is Not Way Cuter.

After twelve hours of labor, local teen Erica Jenson released a statement expressing severe dissatisfaction with the appearance of her newborn, yet to be named. “I was going to name her Hilde,...

Alice Schleis 05.06.14 2:17pm
Cameron meets Putin for tips to annex Scotland in case of a Yes vote. 1
MADJEZ 05.06.14 2:13pm
French commemorate D-Day by doing sod all. Much as they did 70 years ago.

More neighbourly ribbing soon...

MADJEZ 05.06.14 11:58am
Assad day for democracy

I hereby claim the above headline for when the results of the forthcoming Syrian elections are announced. I have googled it and it has not been done before, not even by Harold. So there. 13:56...

Des Custard 05.06.14 11:24am
Des Custard
Britain to honour reality show contestants with Dee-Day 0
sydalg 05.06.14 10:59am
G7 Putin absence - more room in jacuzzi for Merkel's 'lard-ass' agree leaders 0
bookiesfriend 05.06.14 10:20am
Richard Dawkins to Release Fairy Tales

Eminent Academic and God-baiter Richard Dawkins today announced the publication of a series of Fairy Tales for modern ages. The released anthology, made available to journalists today, contains a...

james_doc 05.06.14 10:10am
"Disgraced" ex-party leader moves out of enormously expensive house

People desperately try to think of ways to disgrace themselves. Many make plans to take their pet rabbits to France. Most just join the Lib Dems...

vulture1 05.06.14 9:50am
Royal Navy landing craft (aka Isle of Wight ferry) re-enacts D-Day

Veterans of the conflict say the sacrifice of so many lives to prevent an unelected dictatorship spreading its evil influence across the continent should never be forgotten. French people everywhere...

vulture1 05.06.14 9:43am
National relief as parliament promises to do 'bugger all' in final term

There was relief today as the Queen's speech outlined a programme of absolutely no change for the next twelve months. It would appear that there will be no meddling, no amendments and no...

RobArmstrong 05.06.14 9:23am
Labour Demands More Legislation - On Something / Anything 1
Titus 05.06.14 8:53am
Frog turning into prince "statistically improbable" say Dawkins' three ex wives

More soon, in all probability...

Skylarking 05.06.14 8:52am
Armed robber sings "I'm Jack the Cosh" to Jury during trial...

But still gets 15 years, diggle liggle liggle lum...

ESJ 05.06.14 8:48am
Been Under-Paid PPI Mis-Selling Compensation? Ring Us Now! 2
Titus 05.06.14 8:22am
Hodgson promises ‘England will turn up at the World Cup’...

Roy Hodgson is bullish, before the start of the World Cup in Brazil, about England’s chances of turning up. “A lot of people said we’d lost our way”, said the avuncular England manager....

Tripod 05.06.14 8:18am
Once Upon a Time A Wicked Gnome Said "All Fairy Stories Are Bollocks" 0
Titus 05.06.14 7:32am
Construction starts on world's largest kaleidoscope

After the final €20 million block of funding was agreed by European Science ministers late in 2013 construction has finally begun on the Super Kaleidoscope - the world's largest - high in the...

bonjonelson 05.06.14 7:11am
Queen's new carriage

Honest Tony's Used Cars, For sale, one royal carriage, 10 miles on the clock, 3.5 million, lovely runner ps: just noticed someone could make a pun out of "Honest Tony" idea whom I could mean...

ionb 05.06.14 6:11am
Cameron furious at lack of extremists in Cabinet. More soon. 3
dominic_mcg 04.06.14 10:07pm
Comparing Alex Salmond to Kim Jong-il 'totally unacceptable', says North Korea 0
bookiesfriend 04.06.14 9:46pm