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Millenium Falcon subject to safety recall.

Spaceship manufacturer Corellian Engineering Corporation have been forced to recall their YT1300 series craft after an owner was injured by a faulty door. The Health & Safety Executive insisted...

3
MADJEZ 13.06.14 12:04pm
MADJEZ
Scaramouche renews historic fandango refusal

A spokesman for Scaramouche indicated that he would not do the fandango, as the 40th anniversary of the original request draws near. ‘Despite many requests on TV and radio over the years, my...

3
nickb 13.06.14 11:58am
Redben01
Milliband apologises after being photographed with a copy of The Daily Mirror

The leader of the opposition today apologised to middle England after being photographed holding a copy of a socialist newspaper. 'I'm so very sorry' he said 'I've been poorly advised. Obviously...

0
RobArmstrong 13.06.14 11:57am
RobArmstrong
Ref's vanishing spray is whipped cream, claims Webb.

FIFA super-ref Howard Webb has revealed that the new 'vanishing spray' he's been issued with by FIFA is indistinguishable from whipped cream. "I've been sent 10 cans of the stuff and my three kids...

2
Boutros 13.06.14 11:36am
nickb
Manaus groundsman admits jumpers for goalposts 'likely' for England game.

The beleagured groundsman for Saturday's opening World Cup Qualifier with Italy has admitted for the first time that they may have to use jumpers instead of goalposts for the crucial qualifier....

0
MikeMikeyMike 13.06.14 11:35am
MikeMikeyMike
Solo trip on Millenium Fall-con

No more soon...

0
Kramaring 13.06.14 11:27am
Kramaring
Inept World Cup referee uses vanishing spray to disappear 0
custard cream 13.06.14 11:26am
custard cream
Spornosexuals demand right to self marriage 0
Nowherefast 13.06.14 11:21am
Nowherefast
Black cab drivers extend protests, 'it's the spinning jennies next' 1
RobArmstrong 13.06.14 11:20am
Underconstruction
Open prison absconders lodge offcial complaint about delays in issuing passports 0
bookiesfriend 13.06.14 11:10am
bookiesfriend
Film buffs excited to learn how Ford injury wiil radically change tone of film

The wait for the release of the Star Wars VII DVD extras is now on for film buffs across the globe after the ankle injury of Harrison Ford promised to potentially change the tone of the film...

0
Bigglesworth 13.06.14 10:47am
Bigglesworth
Open prisons need new name as inmates 'over-interpret' the meaning 0
RobArmstrong 13.06.14 9:55am
RobArmstrong
World Cup octopus bribed by sick squid 0
Underconstruction 13.06.14 9:47am
Underconstruction
Amazon Stadium pitch to get six more undercoats

A FIFA press release today claims that Saturday's pitch for the England v Italy match will have the silken surface of a Rolls Royce and the glitter of a Lamborghini. “Nothing's being left to...

0
Lenny Bee 13.06.14 9:22am
Lenny Bee
Iraqi army draws a line in the sand using World Cup vanishing spray 0
bookiesfriend 13.06.14 9:13am
bookiesfriend
Brazil to lend a player to the opposition 'to make it fair'.

Brazil boss Luiz Felipe Scolari says he will continue to lend a Brazilian player to each opposing team for the first 30 minutes of each match 'to make it more of a game'., The offer looked to...

0
Boutros 13.06.14 9:04am
Boutros
Attack of self-consciousness blamed for mediocre World Cup opening ceremony

Dancers and performers involved in the long anticipated opening ceremony of the FIFA World Cup in Brazil were accused last night of delivering a completely lack lustre performance. Dressed as...

3
Dick Everyman 13.06.14 8:55am
cinquecento
Odd Socks Bar Fines Socks-with-sandals Customers

Hoxton's trendy bar "Odd Socks" is famous for its free drink for any customer wearing odd socks. But now it is on the offensive against the wearing of socks with sandals, and will fine any customer...

0
Beer Sampler 13.06.14 8:43am
Beer Sampler
Germany World Cup team arrives, standing, saluting, in open-topped Uber taxis

‘Well’, said Joachim Loew, we saw all the reports on TV, the riot police, shields, batons, dogs, tear gas, and we thought 'right up our street, mate!' ‘We downloaded the Uber app and ordered a...

0
beckfordburger 13.06.14 8:23am
beckfordburger
Brazil As Host Nation to be Given Extra Penalties

Referees have been told that Brazil must win all their games and so are allowed to give them extra penalties to help them win. Anyone who complains is taking the World Cup 'too seriously'...

1
Dun Dunkin 13.06.14 8:14am
Wrenfoe
Being British to be classed as a disability

The UKIP was hard at work today in the EU ensuring that British values were at the top of the agenda with plans for a directive to ensure that British people got the better parking spaces, sun...

0
ionb 13.06.14 8:12am
ionb
Man who sent back free The Sun football supplement 'Will probably keep Sky TV'

Political activist Andy Hutchinson has demonstrated his opposition to the Murdoch empire and, in particular, The Sun newspaper by returning the free World Cup football supplement to the well...

5
antharrison 13.06.14 7:33am
Lenny Bee
Richest 1% who own 50% World Wealth say World Full fo Workshy Scroungers

3 billion people are idle lazy scroungers who want something for nothing. Spikes in doorways are just the beginning of new measures to deal with the 'scrounger problem'...

0
Dun Dunkin 13.06.14 7:28am
Dun Dunkin
NHS denies prioritising pensioners

The Secretary of State for Health, Jeremy Hunt, waded into the debate raging about pensioners receiving a disproportionate amout of care to taxpaying UK residents. The debate was brought into sharp...

0
throngsman 13.06.14 7:24am
throngsman
Spikes designed to 'help homeless onto the housing ladder'

Council officials have reacted angrily to accusations of heartlessness with regards the installation of the so-called 'anti-homeless' spikes., A representative of the Tory borough spoke to our...

0
13.06.14 7:14am
New biography of Heisenberg 'has great pace but lacks direction'

Book reviewer remains uncertain...

0
Robert Koch 13.06.14 5:55am
Robert Koch
Metropolitan Police invest in three giant ‘Boris Johnson enemas’

Although the Home Secretary is yet to approve their use, London has purchased a trio of water cannons designed to relive the capital of unpleasant faecal impaction – or in laymen’s terms ‘six...

4
Wrenfoe 13.06.14 5:23am
Gerontius
Brazilians celebrate World Cup win by putting their clothes back on 0
Dumbnews 13.06.14 3:59am
Dumbnews
I'm not named after a Scottish orphan Neymar tells reporters 1
Scronnyglonkle 12.06.14 10:16pm
JETFAB
Brazilian protests against Andy Townsend continue. 0
Ref Minor 12.06.14 10:02pm
Ref Minor