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Clod Cameron can't finesse...

0
Jesse Bigg 17.08.12 12:00am
Jesse Bigg
Olympic Athletes to eat Yorkshire Puddings

Following the outstanding success of Yorkshire-born athletes in the London 2012 Olympics, Team GB sport scientists have announced a new dietary regime for Brazil 2016. UK athletes will be...

0
Alfred Noakes 16.08.12 9:15pm
Alfred Noakes
Branson throws his teddy out and takes train set home 0
Alfred Noakes 16.08.12 9:12pm
Alfred Noakes
Assange Asylum move 'good news for borderline sex cases'

Britain’s thousands of bicycle-sniffers, dubious scout leaders and plain wrong ‘uns were celebrating today, having learnt that they are to be reclassified as political dissidents. The legal move...

0
ricky33 16.08.12 7:27pm
ricky33
Experts stumped by man with rocket embedded in brain

Britain's greatest experts have admitted they're struggling to cope by a patient who has a live rocket embedded in his brain. "It's rocket science [i]and[/i] brain surgery.", explained one expert....

1
apepper 16.08.12 8:07pm
arthurminnit
Ecuador asylum decision lunatic, fumes Hague 0
custard cream 16.08.12 6:17pm
custard cream
Olympic gold winner Farah has trousers named after him 0
custard cream 16.08.12 6:14pm
custard cream
New high street bank forbidden to use sort code "36-24-36"

Southern, the new high street Bank has protested at claims its intended sort code "gives banking the wrong image". A spokesperson for the Financial Services Authority, willowy redhead Marsha Smith...

0
nickb 16.08.12 6:04pm
nickb
Gove "concerned" about increase in ugly girls' A level success

The Education Secretary told the Daily Telegraph he was "concerned" by the increase in examination success at A level by "homely-looking" girls from state schools. "Time was when we could depend on...

0
nickb 16.08.12 5:49pm
nickb
William Hague to block Assange's passage. 0
Zen 16.08.12 5:32pm
Zen
Julian Assange granted political asylum in Celebrity Big Brother House

In a last ditch attempt to avoid extradition Julian Assange has sought refuge in the Celebrity Big Brother house and will now live under the protection of Coleen Nolan, Martin Kemp and Julie Goodyear...

7
Ludicity 17.08.12 1:06pm
and another one
Ambassador 'believed Assange to be the late John Inman'

A source has revealed that Ecuador's reluctance to release serial leaker and alleged sex fiend Julian Assange into police custody was due to an erroneous understanding that their embassy guest was...

0
BAJDixon 16.08.12 5:15pm
BAJDixon
Shock news: At least 900 'Locked in Syndrome' sufferers in Wormwood Scrubs alone

more later...

0
dvo4fun 16.08.12 4:29pm
dvo4fun
BBC3 to air 14 hour test card marathon every day 0
simonjmr 16.08.12 3:52pm
simonjmr
Farah celebrates long running slacks success. 0
button 16.08.12 3:30pm
button
Battle of Britain Memorial Flight Lancaster splatted in 'Paintball accident'

The RAF’s only airworthy Lancaster bomber was effectively ‘shot down’ yesterday, in a prank played by the pilot of a German Messerschmitt 109 fighter aircraft. Both aircraft had been performing...

14
dvo4fun 16.09.12 3:35pm
dvo4fun
Government urges Camelot to produce thinner lottery winners

Statistics produced by Camelot show that fat couples in council houses are more likely to win the lottery, leading to speculation that the National Lottery is weighted towards the overweight. "It's...

0
nickb 16.08.12 3:20pm
nickb
"What do you do?" Prince Philip asks his doctor 1
custard cream 16.08.12 5:17pm
BAJDixon
Aberdeen hospital staff 'satisfactory' after latest bout of Prince Philip

Aberdeen Royal Infirmary doctors and nursing staff were coping well last night with the latest admission of HRH Prince Philip. A spokesman said: "Bad manners, xenophobia and general grumpyness are...

1
Scroat 16.08.12 8:09pm
arthurminnit
Parents mixed feelings as 'A' Level shag fest offers go unconditional 0
medici2471 16.08.12 2:28pm
medici2471
Ecuador grants Assange asylum

http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/01467/sas_1467122c.jpg...

0
medici2471 16.08.12 2:10pm
medici2471
Dave Plonkerman Does It Again!

This time he helps a Mr Blancmange to a life-long stay in a South American embassy in London. Dave Plonkerman, this is your strife!...

0
Jesse Bigg 16.08.12 2:09pm
Jesse Bigg
Post boxes painted brown near homes with fat kids

The Royal Mail has defended a new policy of embrowning their post boxes, if they happen to be near a family that contains a fat child. With ‘golden post boxes’ inspiring many to strive for...

7
17.08.12 12:55pm
quango
Mystery of NASA dead cat unsolved

The death of Tiddles, NASA's much loved pet cat still remains unsolved. She was found partially squashed at the Space Lab at Cape Canaveral in November 2011 close to a testing site. A post mortem...

0
nickb 16.08.12 12:37pm
nickb
Usain ‘disappointed’ as golden Wenlock sells for £3.27 on e-Bay 0
Midfield Diamond 16.08.12 12:06pm
Midfield Diamond
Andy Murray reverts to being Scottish after A-level results.

Was this the joke?...

1
bonjonelson 16.08.12 12:14pm
button
Beggars must register for VAT, Osborne announces

George Osborne has announced sweeping reforms for tax rules relating to private donations to street beggars and sellers of The Big Issue. As of 1st April 2013, all licenced beggars must be...

3
bonjonelson 19.08.12 8:54am
nickb
GB Space agency confident a converted Rover 400 can be put on Mars within years

"If not a Rover 400 then at least a silver 1995 Montego" said Derek Hawkwind of the GB Space Agency More soon...

0
simonjmr 16.08.12 11:48am
simonjmr
Serious Omission in UK Rude Town List

Following the recent publication of the UK’s most popular rude town names, including such classics as Shitterton, Bell End and Cockermouth, rude town name afficionados are up in arms today as they...

1
Reg Herring 19.08.12 7:23pm
Jesse Bigg
2012's students fail to jump as high

‎2012 shows a 0.4% decline in the height jumped by celebrating A-Level students when posing for newspaper photographers. Most students jumped 26.6% of their body height, down from 27% last year....

0
Mother 16.08.12 11:08am
Mother