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Queen orders Kate to give birth immediately

In a leaked message today, it has emerged that the Queen has commanded Kate to give birth to something by the end of today. Her Majesty's message to Kate reads: 'As sovereign of the Commonwealth and...

John Wiltshire 18.07.13 10:58am
John Wiltshire
Al Fayed claims Prince Philip behind royal baby. 0
MADJEZ 18.07.13 10:36am
Crime reporting down 7.8%

The Home Secretary today announced that the reporting of crime had dropped by 7.8% in the last year. Theresa May said today that she was very pleased with the way that people had stopped reporting...

John Wiltshire 18.07.13 9:56am
John Wiltshire
Vulnerable loser to be Alan Sugar's next opponent in Employment Tribunal

A handpicked sample of Britain' most unsavoury characters was finally distilled down last night, and one hapless victim was chosen to be Alan Sugar's next opponent in an employment tribunal. BBC1's...

ronseal 18.07.13 9:35am
'Lazy & Incompetent' Thieves Blamed For Fall In Crime 1
Titus 18.07.13 9:11am
Audi deny their logo is based on cock rings

Yes it was one on those journey's into work...

Scronnyglonkle 18.07.13 8:35am
Dick Everyman
Government to set Up 'Offded' to Monitor NHS Quality Standards 0
Titus 18.07.13 8:23am
Nelson Madela Accused Of Bed Blocking

"Stop wasting our time" says hospital. "You're a great bloke and all that, but enough is enough. Either die or get out."...

Titus 18.07.13 7:46am
'Those doctors and nurses couldn't do enough for me' says dying NHS patient. 0
antharrison 18.07.13 5:46am
New BA A380 Inspires Heathrow runway “double decker” plan

Not because it is easy, but because it is hard...

rogerg 17.07.13 9:38pm
Gove announces schools to move to 24 hour opening

Schools minister Mr Michael Gove has announced another innovative strategy to improve the education system and to make more efficient use of all the high tech blackboards that are now white. All...

rogerg 17.07.13 9:37pm
Lord Alan Sugar sued for unlawful dismissal

Business icon Lord Alan Sugar has sensationally been sued today for unlawful dismissal by a contestant on BBC One hit show The Apprentice. Monaco-based estate agent Myles Mordaunt, who felt the wrath...

Jesus H 17.07.13 9:11pm
Jesus H
'Blind Date' makers sue 'Apprentice' as candidate with sexier voice is selected. 0
The Last Detail 17.07.13 8:16pm
The Last Detail
Taliban says "sorry" to England's Primary Pupils

Adnan Rasheed has sent a heart felt apology to school children throughout England, saying he wished Michael Gove "had never happened" to them. Schoolgirl Malala Yousafzai has also expressed shock...

Wrenfoe 17.07.13 7:27pm
Michael Gove to make stupid children fight to the death

Education Secretary Michael Gove has unveiled controversial plans to make stupid eleven year olds fight to the death in arenas throughout England. The Minister believes the children's desire to...

andrewl81 17.07.13 3:33pm
Gardening implement sues for libel after being called a "dirty hoe" 0
sydalg 17.07.13 1:59pm
Italy hit with dribbling helmet syndrome

In what should have been a celebratory week for Luca Parmitano, Italy's first spacewalker, the nation’s Centre for Disease Control was forced to issue a warning that cranium leakage was reaching...

Wrenfoe 17.07.13 1:37pm
Not Amused
Status Quo remain kidnapped after 34 years

Police admitted today that they are no nearer finding the whereabouts of Status Quo than they were 34 years ago, when they first went missing. Chief Superintendant Barry Hillier, who is leading the...

John Wiltshire 17.07.13 1:07pm
Man ‘angry’ as son comes 1,954,343rd in new ranking system

Dad of three Anthony Thomas has spoken of his anger today after he discovered his son, Michael, who he admits isn’t the sharpest spoon in the fridge, came an embarrassing 1,954,343rd in the UK’s...

Jesus H 17.07.13 1:04pm
Chelsea offer a sack of spuds and a granny for Wayne Rooney

Chelsea today dramatically increased the pressure on Manchester United to sell Wayne Rooney, by offering him a sack of potatoes and the unlimited use of a granny. Rooney's spokesman said: 'Wayne...

John Wiltshire 17.07.13 12:47pm
Disneyland to allow shooting of costumed stereotype characters who get too close

Disneyland in Orlando, Florida has become the first theme park in the world where staff dressed as adorable, stereotype characters can be shot on sight if they ‘step too close’ or appear to be on...

Arthur 17.07.13 12:44pm
Hopes fade for NASA technicians without food or water

30 NASA tecnicians have again failed to successfully launch a vehicle on a run to the "butty van" due to adverse wind conditions. They hope to try again later in the day, but time is now running...

grottymonty 17.07.13 12:16pm
Simon Bates to be tried for crimes against humanity

Following a short but successful twitter campaign, Simon Bates was this morning arrested and taken to The Hague to stand trial for subjecting the nation to the misery and despair of "our tune" for...

grottymonty 17.07.13 12:00pm
Prince Charles ‘rough as a dog’s arse’ after pre-baby Royal bender

Prince Charles is said to be in a ‘stable but delicate’ condition today after a small measure of Barrogill Whisky to ‘settle nerves’ over the imminent arrival of his first grandchild turned...

Jesus H 17.07.13 10:54am
Porn fans' outrage as film subtitles revealed to be faked

A new scandal has rocked the sex film industry as the subtitle writer for thousands of foreign videos has admitted he was just making it up as he went along and "hadn't the foggiest idea" what the...

sydalg 17.07.13 10:30am
Man with 13 fingers insists he's "digitally enhanced", not inbred 0
sydalg 17.07.13 10:23am
Man arrested in nudist colony for indecent concealment 0
sydalg 17.07.13 10:22am
Actor Andy Serkis to name child after 2012 university boat race winning team 1
Smart Alex 17.07.13 8:36am
America set to invade self after new oil reserves discovered 8
Squudge 17.07.13 8:34am
sponge finger
Police witnessed Ray Wilkins driving from side to side rather than forwards 3
Backup Brian 17.07.13 7:13am