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Absence of Fergie's wrath will lead to global cooling, possibly new ice age

Climatologists across the globe have expressed concern that the retirement of Sir Alex Ferguson will result in temperatures being lowered across the planet. The impact of no-hairdrying on match days...

2
antharrison 10.05.13 3:47pm
JoeBradley
“Ed Miliband is always rescuing damsels in distress” - Labour claim

Anonymous sources from deep within the Labour Party have reluctantly confirmed that leader, Ed Miliband, is forever risking life and limb to rescue maidens in distress. Fearless Ed has previously...

5
Lenny Bee 10.05.13 3:04pm
Lenny Bee
3D printer pre-programmed to print 3D printer pre-programmed to print....

3D printer pre-programmed to print 3D printer pre-programmed to print 3D printer etc etc...

1
nickb 10.05.13 2:45pm
LensCap
“Two Dannies” TV show cancelled after row about similarity.

Dannies Baker and De Vito have abandoned plans to co-star in a new transatlantic TV comedy show, the Two Dannies, after being accused of “similarity”. Baker, well known for being both...

0
nickb 10.05.13 12:36pm
nickb
UKIP to outsource policy making to China

Following the success of UKIP gaining seats in many local elections the party has taken the decision to move their policy making to a Chinese policy factory., Newly appointed party spokesman Xin...

10
atters 10.05.13 10:49am
Ironduke
Mexican Death Saint appears in new Bowie video

Controversy surrounds David Bowie’s latest release from his long awaited album “The Next Day”. The singer/songwriter appears to have been replaced with the female, skeletal figure of Santa...

6
Wrenfoe 10.05.13 9:55am
Wrenfoe
3D-printed glue-gun "prone to significant melting" admits designer 0
QorbeQ 10.05.13 9:50am
QorbeQ
Ancestors are tax deductable – claims Lauryn Hill

World markets have seen share prices rise following reports that the Grammy-winning singer, Lauryn Hill, has managed to write off $1.8m (£1.2m) tax bill as the cost of being “a child of former...

10
Wrenfoe 10.05.13 9:07am
Wrenfoe
Absence of Fergie news dismays United fans

After 48 hours of wall to wall coverage following Alex Fergusons decision to retire, Manchester United fans are struggling to come to terms with news channels interest in other items. There are...

0
Sheepback 10.05.13 8:53am
Sheepback
Murder investigations hampered as police banned from chalking outlines on street 0
Smart Alex 10.05.13 7:01am
Smart Alex
Girls - seven surefire ways to tell if your man is starting to lose interest

1. He leaves home, 2. He starts sleeping with another woman, 3. He gets divorced, 4. He changes his name and starts wearing a false beard, 5. He emigrates, 6. He commits suicide, 7. He murders...

11
LensCap 10.05.13 6:50am
weematt
Wormwood Scrubs "looking forward to best ever Panto season". More soon.

Stellar cast arguing over who's going to get aladdin...

9
Al OPecia 10.05.13 6:29am
Gerontius
Russian surgeon left slightly smaller woman inside woman

More to follow...

1
apepper 10.05.13 5:43am
rickwestwell
Visit to Starbucks ruined by shit stirrers 1
Idiot 10.05.13 2:49am
rickwestwell
Scientists confirm: Paul Simon does have a nikon camera and he takes photographs 0
A.J. DiCosimo 10.05.13 2:48am
A.J. DiCosimo
“Eton College to be called Slough Academy” - announces headmaster

Eton College, the world's most famous public school since 1440, is to change it's name to The Slough Academy. Announcing the move at today's assembly, headmaster Anthony Trevelyan told boys the hour...

4
Lenny Bee 09.05.13 10:41pm
Lenny Bee
Luther King "dream" speech "much better after Coretta's help"

Martin Luther King's original 1963 speech, entitled "I had a dream where all these weird marshmallows were floating past our front room window", was "drastically improved by his wife Coretta" say...

1
QorbeQ 09.05.13 9:57pm
QorbeQ
"Lucky" underwear to hit exam results, retailers

Universities and schools nationwide are steeling themselves for poor results following reports that more students than ever are relying on lucky underwear to see them through their examinations....

0
QorbeQ 09.05.13 9:51pm
QorbeQ
The Queen and Fergie at it again....

The Queen was three minutes early for the State Opening of Parliament this morning and Sir Alex Ferguson announced he was quitting as manager of Manchester United. Conspiracy theorists will clearly...

4
Peter McHugh 09.05.13 8:13pm
Peter McHugh
NHS to reclaim surgical instruments left inside patient's bodies

The NHS is seeking to reclaim £10m worth of cutting-edge surgical equipment, inadvertently left behind by surgeons as they sewed-up patients in the operating theatre. Announcing the initiative,...

2
Lenny Bee 09.05.13 7:39pm
Titus
Moyes to be given Fergusons 27 year old gum in Old Trafford handover ceremony

Moyes soon...

2
simonjmr 09.05.13 5:49pm
simonjmr
Rooney wants 250,000 pork pies a week plus lard-ons 0
Lenny Bee 09.05.13 4:52pm
Lenny Bee
Island of Shewentofherownaccord's #1 holiday destination of joke wives

according to a survey of Dads...

1
gaijintendo 09.05.13 3:45pm
gaijintendo
.

[oops, been done before]...

0
Sinnick 09.05.13 3:17pm
Sinnick
Bill to split coalition splits coalition

A proposed bill that legally separates the Conservative and Lib Dem coalition has caused a row between the government coalition parties. Lib Dem leader, Nick Clegg explained his position; "Unless...

0
apepper 09.05.13 3:11pm
apepper
"Nazi musical is forced to close after being mistaken for Viva Forever"

More later...

0
Wrenfoe 09.05.13 3:05pm
Wrenfoe
UKIP Councillors bid to fill channel tunnel with concrete

Kent County Council today put to tender an order for 102 million cubic metres of concrete, receiving 17 competitive bids before lunch. A spokesperson for the County Surveyor's Office said at a press...

11
Our Business Correspondent 09.05.13 2:51pm
Our Business Correspondent
Elton John's songs to be translated into English

Oxford University has announced that it will begin translation of Elton John's songs into English,using some of its top linguists. The man in charge of the project, Professor Robert Leeming, said:...

9
John Wiltshire 09.05.13 2:25pm
Titus
Lennon was right "Happyness is a warm gun...hot off the HP uPrint 3D-5000" 0
theinvisiblecitychannels 09.05.13 2:17pm
theinvisiblecitychannels
Bored Since The Escape Of Your Female House Guests After 10 Years? Write For NB 1
Titus 09.05.13 2:10pm
theinvisiblecitychannels