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Terrorists Become More Considerate

Apparently the Taliban have apologised to Malala Yousafzai for trying to kill her, or at least for giving the impression that they shot her for going to school whereas what they really wanted to do...

1
Titus 19.07.13 11:04pm
FlashArry
Left alert re-post: Ten top tips to stay cool in the heatwave

As Britain continues to swelter under the sun, we take you through our top ten tips to stay cool in this hot hot hot weather: 1) Offer to do the shopping for an elderly friend or relative. The...

2
Mandy Lifeboat 19.07.13 9:55pm
Squudge
UK 'thankful' for drought aid from Ethiopia

Ethiopia has answered the prayers of millions of sunstriken Brits this week after a '£2 per-month' charity appeal aired on local TV networks received a huge response across the African nation, who...

6
Jesus H 19.07.13 7:41pm
Jesus H
Queen Gives Swans Permission To Eat Vegans

[Hat tip to Dick De Menthe] With much of their natural food supply depleted by sustained unusually warm weather, Her Majesty has granted her swans the right to hunt, attack and eat 'all thoose...

4
Titus 19.07.13 6:51pm
Squudge
Tsarnaev looks even cooler in police photos than on "Rolling Stone" says public

The leaked police photographs of the suspected Boston Marathon bomber, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, which show him just before his arrest, are way cooler than the photograph of him on the cover of "Rolling...

3
jamsieoconnor 19.07.13 5:39pm
Squudge
Topless men banned from supermarket, you'll never se a nipple in a Tesco Express

Every nipple helps!...

2
Ian Searle 19.07.13 5:24pm
Squudge
Kate Endorses Old Tory Election Slogan 'Labour Isn't Working'

Wonder what jokes we'll post when the baby eventually arrives...

1
Titus 19.07.13 4:55pm
Wrenfoe
Police Fraud Squad Question Kate & Wills In Spot-Fixing Investigation

Suspicion of massive bribes being offered by shadowy asian bookmaking syndicates, relating to bets on dates of royal births, have led to the parents being questioned by police...

1
Titus 19.07.13 4:55pm
Wrenfoe
Detroit bankrupt betting on Royal Birth

The once great industrial city has been saddled with debts of at least $15bn after a series of audacious bets related to the Royal delivery. The Office of the Mayor of Detroit was forced to release a...

5
Wrenfoe 19.07.13 4:52pm
Wrenfoe
Children's author creates Fifty Shapes with Clay after online course 3
Dick Everyman 19.07.13 4:42pm
Dick Everyman
EU bailout for detroit imminent

Talks are well under way for a €15bn bail out for the struggling city in Michigan. Decades of low growth and poor exports are expected to be turned around by a new austerity policy promoted by...

0
tomholder 19.07.13 4:00pm
tomholder
Investigation finds Asiana pilots training lacked YouTube tutorials 0
Dumbnews 19.07.13 3:32pm
Dumbnews
Search continued for person who lobbied David Cameron

Speculation is growing as to the identity of the person who lobbied David Cameron in the study with the sharpened pencil. Leaks from No 10 confirm that someone has been inappropriately influencing...

0
tomholder 19.07.13 2:47pm
tomholder
Chefs Rating Agency upgrade Britain from "medium" to "well done"

Things are looking for up in Britain as the country is upgraded from "medium" to "well done" after a recent run in the microwave. While some of the public have expressed doubt about the current...

0
tomholder 19.07.13 2:34pm
tomholder
Apple overlook teen who can strum and whistle at the same time.

A clean cut teenage kid who looks good in denim and a crewneck T is taking Apple to court for discrimination having failed to be offered a part in any of their commercials. David Turner, whose real...

4
Boutros 19.07.13 2:34pm
Wrenfoe
More outbreaks of IT start ups in Silicon Manor, Sink Estate & Silicon Shithole

Three more regions of Britain have been awarded Silicon status, with Bethnal Green, Peckham and Crawley earning the right to the hi tec prefix after each one became home to more than one IT start up....

0
ronseal 19.07.13 2:00pm
ronseal
"Lynx Effect" actually just mild weather

Bosses at male grooming company Lynx were left red-faced and sweaty after having to admit the fabled “Lynx Effect”, that prevented perspiration for up to 24 hours, was actually just the UK’s...

0
sdritchie 19.07.13 1:53pm
sdritchie
Rooney: Chelsea move back on as Colleen agrees personal terms with John Terry. 3
Ref Minor 19.07.13 1:50pm
Oxbridge
"I'm worse off than you" confirms someone in the world 0
Dick Everyman 19.07.13 1:47pm
Dick Everyman
Fracking Not Only Provides Energy - It May Also Destroy Blackpool. Result! 1
Titus 19.07.13 1:41pm
Wrenfoe
Met Office declare state of emergency as man's Summer Fruit Calippo melts

The Met Office raised its alert level from 'tan time' to 'get the fuck indoors' today after Brighton beach-goer Alan Blanch was left 'cheated' and 'in need of a sturdy napkin' after his £2.80 Summer...

2
Jesus H 19.07.13 1:20pm
Jesus H
Olympics ‘a great success’

In a new survey, respondents were asked if the 2012 London Olympics had prompted them to take up a sport. 100% said ‘no’. Asked what the Olympics has prompted them to do, 100% said ‘watch tv,...

0
farmer giles 19.07.13 1:10pm
farmer giles
Uproar in academia as Oxford dons call Cambridge colleagues a "bunch of clowns" 0
sydalg 19.07.13 12:57pm
sydalg
Shoes fly at Baghdad launch of Sunni Delight 2
cinquecento 19.07.13 12:48pm
Ref Minor
Things that make you go 'ooooooooo' - the Newsbiscuit guide to staying cool

As Britain continues to swelter under the sun, and with the Met Office raising the heatwave warning to level 3, we take you through some top tips to stay cool in this hot hot hot weather: 1) Offer...

5
Mandy Lifeboat 19.07.13 12:31pm
beau-jolly
Shock as Prince Charles admits he's not on speaking terms with half his plants 4
sydalg 19.07.13 12:18pm
Squudge
The MET Office Announce When Records Actually Began.

The MET office has finally released details as to when records actually began. “It’s all bollocks really” said the MET Office’s Chief of Staff, “we stopped keeping records years ago.” ...

2
AFrancisBrown 19.07.13 12:06pm
Titus
A new report claims the wages of sin have been frozen for the fifth year running 3
Ian Searle 19.07.13 12:03pm
Titus
Thunderstorm Experts Gather for Clear the Air Talks 0
Erwin Spatula-Ng 19.07.13 11:16am
Erwin Spatula-Ng
Palace Panic & Attempted Cover-Up After Swan Eats Royal Baby

"Get over it" says swan "We ain't no vegans [burp]." Royal grandfather says "One is frightfully concerned. This is a large meal for a swan and one hopes this beautiful, graceful creature comes to...

2
Titus 19.07.13 11:01am
Wrenfoe