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Nick Clegg to use everyone's paternity leave next year

Anticipating he will have a lot of 'free time on his hands' after the next election, the Deputy Prime Minister has volunteered to provide round-the-clock support to all new parents. The Liberal...

Wrenfoe 31.08.14 7:17pm
Police launch Operation Palmtree to investigate celebrity Asian paedophiles.

Following the success of both Operation Yewtree and multicultural policing throughout South Yorkshire, the Government's Crime Prevention Minister has announced the launch of Operation Palmtree. The...

Crayon 31.08.14 4:04pm
YES campaign rebrands as IS and prepares to declare Caledoniphate

In Edinburgh today, Alex Salmond announced that the YES campaign would now be called IS (short for Independent Scotland) to better reflect the values of Scots wishing to separate from the UK. ...

cinnahmon 31.08.14 4:02pm
Man with wide and varied collection of power sockets suffers eclectic shock 0
Smart Alex 31.08.14 3:12pm
Smart Alex
TV & Radio Celebrity Broadcaster "Happily Married, Satisfied and Content"

It's been reported in a Sunday scoop today, that a respected Media figure has announced that he is "happy with his lot in life" and grateful for what he has got., He has never been interested in...

MrPhill 31.08.14 3:12pm
Commentators hope Arsenal don’t sign Papastathopoulos 2
farmer giles 31.08.14 2:00pm
Ted King
Tech research cuts blamed as WW3 unlikely to be fought by giant killer robots. 0
Crayon 31.08.14 1:59pm
Village Pub Gentrification renames Dog and Duck to Lama and Peacock.

"New dress code and gastro menu and No TV Football Only Open Fri-Sun"...

Dun Dunkin 31.08.14 11:52am
Joan Rivers: ‘Switch that thing off. I can’t hear myself think up my next joke’ 2
beckfordburger 31.08.14 11:42am
Charlie Fairhurst to head BBC Trust

Yes Charlie Fairhurst the long suffering senior nurse from BBC's Casualty is the new head of the BBC Trust. Whilst viewers watched him get a diagnosis of angina in last night's programme the BBC...

2escapees 31.08.14 11:06am
Pandas Transferred To Rotherham In Hope Of Increasing Their Sexual Activity

And Shaun Wright appointed as zoo keeper...

Titus 31.08.14 9:05am
Man still being studiously ignored in room full of elephants

Though hovering by the peanuts and desperately trying to make eye contact, Dave Harris is still finding it hard to get noticed by the largely elephantine occupants of The Room. It's a turn of events...

ronseal 31.08.14 8:07am
Shaun Wright To Join 'Respect' Party In Attempt To Become Less Unpopular 0
Titus 31.08.14 7:33am
Daily Mail readers panic-buy vacuum flasks.

"I hate the EU" said 75 year old Mrs Ada Jackson, "but the thirty I've just bought should see me out"...

Tammy Flugh 31.08.14 7:20am
EU Warning: Scottish Yes Vote Could Mean Bagpipes At Eurovision 2015 0
Coffeemate 31.08.14 6:43am
Dropping 'Fame' box-sets on jihadists last desperate throw of dice admits US

The Pentagon has revealed that US military planes have dropped box-sets of 80's TV series 'Fame' in areas of Iraq currently controlled by Islamic militants. The move is seen as a daring attempt to...

harrypalmer 30.08.14 11:09pm
Lucy Pevensie accused of cheating at hide'n'seek after hiding in imaginary lands 0
Smart Alex 30.08.14 10:26pm
Smart Alex
90% of Time on Facebook Now Spent Tightening Privacy Settings 90% of all time spent on Facebook is now being used to review and tighten privacy settings, according to a study...

Peter749400 30.08.14 10:09pm
Israeli tourists 'gutted' that they're not welcome in Bradford

Tel Aviv airport is unusually quiet today. "Normally there would be three or four flights a day to Leeds Bradford airport", a spokesman says. "Israelis love Bradford - the climate, the culture, the...

deceangli 30.08.14 10:03pm
Everton defenders win Perrier Comedy Award 1
AReader 30.08.14 10:01pm
Lobsters not keen on doing the hot bucket challenge. 4
Ian Searle 30.08.14 9:03pm
George Galloway to be charged with using an offensive weapon - his mouth 0
AReader 30.08.14 8:53pm
van Gaal relieved as Man Utd get the heavyweight clashes out of the way early 7
beckfordburger 30.08.14 8:29pm
Galloway suspect charged with "not carrying an offensive weapon"

Police have confirmed that a man has been charged with 'not carrying an offensive weapon to a Galloway gig'. A police spokesman said "we arrested a 39 year old man who was in close proximity to...

deceangli 30.08.14 7:45pm
Tory MP displays exceptional loyalty to voters by his midterm defection to UKIP. 4
Crayon 30.08.14 7:21pm
Cameron calls for calm in the worsening Bake Off Conflict

The UN is calling for air-strikes to intervene after Diana Beard, a 69 year-old WI activist from Shropshire, was filmed taking a bearded combatant's ice-cream out of the freezer during the Great...

Squudge 30.08.14 6:36pm
Linda McCartney sausages to be discontinued

Linda MCCarney foods at last admitted that they used up virtually all bits of Linda some times ago and anyway they want to use last bits to launch homeopathy cure for vegetarianism...

tonyhill 30.08.14 3:36pm
Tesco to outsource grocery deliveries to local police forces 0
beckfordburger 30.08.14 3:29pm
Darling nominates Salmond for Bucket of Petrol While Smoking Challenge. 2
MADJEZ 30.08.14 3:07pm
Jim Garner
Joan Rivers critical 'Call this a hospital... am I meant to eat this shit'

Get well soon !...

MADJEZ 30.08.14 3:04pm
Jim Garner