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Bomb disposal engineers to help elderly switch on central heating 2
roybland 3 years

The government Is deploying crack army bomb disposal units to help Britain's elderly switch on their central heating this winter.,  , Fred (86) and Ethel (85) Wilkinson said they've been trying...

Rail travellers urged to cuddle during rush-hour 6
3 years

Over-crowding on Britain's rail network could soon become a thing of the past, according to transport experts. A scheme encouraging rail users to accept each other in a tight embrace could increase...

Fox in right job. Look how good at defence he is, quips PM 2
Clarky 3 years
Braehead shopping centre changes Photo Shopping policy 1
witless 3 years

The owners of Braehead shopping centre have agreed that pictures of smiling customers can once again be PhotoShopped to look miserable, as they do NOT represent the majority of their visitors....

Rooney writes to UEFA to reduce ban 0
brownpaperreporter 3 years

Dear Mr UEFA Must be a Euro thing as it was Dear Jim when I was a kid. Anyway, as bans go, three's a bit harsh ennit? And I was hoping that with my serious face and an extra weave due next week I...

“Adult” sites will be required to offer public service content. 1
nickb 3 years

In landmark legislation the Department of Media, Culture and Sport will require pornographic websites to carry news, educational or community programmes, or face shut down., “We’re not...

TomTom launches Top Gear limited edition with voice of the Stig 0
witless 3 years

gets muted response from Clarkson...

Migrants must pass 'Daily Mail test' to earn UK passport 0
roybland 3 years

Migrants will have to pass a 'Daily Mail test' to receive a UK passport, David Cameron announced yesterday. 'If migrants want to settle in our country,' the prime minister said, 'as well as...

Aled Jones finding walking in the air "increasingly difficult". More soon. 5
Al OPecia 3 years
A Tawdry Remit is confirmed for Dr Fox's friend 0
simonjmr 3 years

Dear Army Twit, Dame Tart Wiry, Dream Wary Tit, Married Twaty, Mated Rat Wiry, Reward May Tit More soon...

Stephen Fry of only average intelligence, scientists report 0
Clarky 3 years

Using powerful mass hypnotism, triggered by a knowing smirk to camera, Stephen Fry has fooled the world for decades, making everyone think …...

Adam Werritty is Minister of Magic 0
apepper 3 years

In a shock announcement, it's been revealed that Adam Werritty is not actually a friend of Liam Fox but is, in fact, the Minister of Magic. The long rumoured position was in a similar quasi-legal...

Meryl Streep bad actor, boffins conclude 0
Clarky 3 years

Using powerful mass hypnotism, triggered by the use of funny foreign accents, Meryl Streep has fooled the world for decades, making everyone think …...

Dry Cleaners deny drug trade rumours 0
Drylaw 3 years

The Legion of British Dry Cleaners last night released a press statement strongly denying recent allegations regarding their business practices in UK. "We are not and never have been connected to...

George Clooney not really good-looking, investigation reveals 0
Clarky 3 years

Using powerful mass hypnotism, triggered by a playful crinkle of his eyes, George Clooney has fooled the world for decades, making everyone think …...

Dr Fox "we can deploy Comic Sans within 30 minutes" 0
simonjmr 3 years

Embattled Dr Liam Fox has today announced that the UK can deploy "Comic Sans" within 30 minutes, in the hope that this news will deflect attention away from the Werrity scandal that has erupted...

Renault targets impulse killer market with extra boot space 4
vertical 3 years

is nothing sacred here....

SHOPPERS TO WEAR VIRTUAL REALITY GLASSES IN SHOPPING CENTRES. 0
delightfullyodd 3 years

FOLLOWING the recent story that a man was told to delete photographs of his daughter taken in Braehead Shopping Centre in Glasgow by Police and Security staff, the Scottish Government has today...

"Universe is leaning slightly", claims builders of Big Ben 7
apepper 3 years

The building company who constructed St Stephen's clock tower (generally known as "Big Ben") have claimed that the entire universe is tilted by .26 degrees. "This is a huge problem.", they went on,...

Fox hounded from office 2
apepper 3 years

The hunt is on...

Tesco launch “Fetch” produced from pure pedigree dogs 1
witless 3 years

Tesco announce their launch of a new range of foods produced from excess to requirement pet dogs. Recipes developed by TV chef Hugh Burnley-Whittinghall hit the shelves tomorrow including Boxer dog...

New 'We Told You So' android app enrages downed blackberry users 0
vertical 3 years
Hackers say iJobs is riddled with bugs 1
witless 3 years
Defence Minister's wife found second man in marital bed 1
roybland 3 years

The wife of beleaguered Defence Secretary Liam Fox said she was surprised one night to find her husband's friend Adam Werritty in bed with them. 'But when Adam produced a business card saying he was...

Met police appeal for help with new acronym in fight against gun crime 3
Vertically Challenged Giant 3 years

The Metropolitan Police have issued a public appeal for help with creating a ‘really cool sounding acronym’ in an attempt to reduce gun crime in London. Deputy Commissioner Tim Godwin is...

Norwich man fills loft 5
Vertically Challenged Giant 3 years

Paul Wykes from Norwich is claiming to have achieved an historic first by having completely filled the loft in his semi-detached house with things that his wife wishes he’d throw away. Paul, 38,...

All references to BIG BEN now must be written in Italics 1
Rowly 3 years

[i]BIG BEN [/i]more later...

West Ham lose ebay auction for Olympic stadium to mystery bidder 'Cambs€101' 0
button 3 years
Saw 8 flops after Jigsaw bows to health and safety regulations 0
Vertically Challenged Giant 3 years

Fans of excessively gory horror films with ludicrous plots have been left disappointed by the latest instalment of the popular Saw franchise. Saw 8, developed in secret amongst much speculation,...

Tate Modern to host Hollywood Blockbusters and Bowling from 2012 1
kga6 3 years

As modern art becomes increasingly indistinguishable from looking at every day objects being used in their natural environment, the Tate Modern has admitted that soon it will no longer be financially...