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Saatchi was enraged when Nigella wouldn't let him have her crack, aide claims. 0
MADJEZ 17.12.13 4:26pm
Westminster Council Launches New ‘Resident’s Evil’ Parking Scheme

Officials from Westminster Council today announced the launch of a new scheme to reduce parking congestion by using zombies. The ‘Residents’ Evil’ parking scheme will be introduced in seven...

therustler 17.12.13 4:26pm
James Pluside
Prime Minister confirms missionary position accomplished 2
Squudge 17.12.13 1:05pm
‘Waiting for Death’ To Be Taxed

Chancellor George Osborne has announced an update to Inheritance Tax, which brings forward payments so the Revenue doesn’t have to wait until people die. “There are two problems with the old...

deceangli 17.12.13 12:54pm
'Mission Accomplished' declares Andres Villas-Boas 0
jp1885 17.12.13 12:54pm
Christmas five-bird roast 'is not what you think it is', footballers are told 2
Oxbridge 17.12.13 12:52pm
First Mandela, now Villas-Boas - will our suffering never end, world asks 1
custard cream 17.12.13 12:45pm
MPs keep straight face when accusing BBC of 'wasting public money'

MPs on the Public Accounts Committee have accused the BBC of wasting tax payers' money on paying those in charge to much money, without laughing. The PAC, led by MPs looking forward to a 11% pay rise...

James Pluside 17.12.13 12:43pm
Special Forces snatch Andrew Gilligan from his London home

Respected Telegraph journalist Andrew Gilliganas dragged from his bed in the early hours of yesterday morning. Neighbours said the incident was deeply shocking. They reported that the Gilligans...

Starchy 17.12.13 11:36am
Homicide Cops to Learn Parallel Parking

US Homicide detectives are noted for their ability to solve crimes using advanced forensic science, hunches and male grooming, but in a recent survey their parking skills came bottom of the league,...

deceangli 17.12.13 11:13am
DfE infested with roosting chickens

Thanks to an excess of hubris, mismanagement and birdseed - Michael Gove’s education stratagem is unravelling before his very eyes. Yet despite a billion pound deficit, failing test scores and an...

Wrenfoe 17.12.13 8:11am
Hoddle to return to Spurs ? Disabled fans fear for their parking spaces. 0
MADJEZ 16.12.13 11:02pm
'My ship has come in' says Sam Bailey but did she speak too soon?

X Factor winner Sam Bailey's career might be short lived if rumours about her chronic sea sickness turn out to be true. Sam's hoping her win could launch a glittering singing career for her - and we...

Boutros 16.12.13 10:06pm
Satellite Navigation rendered obsolete by office know-it-all

The share price of leading producers of satellite navigation devices has plummeted this morning after an office worker was confirmed to have total knowledge of Britain's road network. The 43 year...

D 16.12.13 9:19pm
North Korea airbrushes itself from history

Following a political purge of staggering proportions, North Korea has removed itself from history. The 24 hours of paranoia began with baby-faced psychopath Kim Jong-un playing judge and jury in a...

nedge 16.12.13 9:09pm
Tougher sentences for salivary leave a nasty taste in the mouth. More soon. 0
dominic_mcg 16.12.13 8:35pm
Fly Agaric wins Spores Personality of the Year.

Stinkhorn and Jelly Rot both gutted to miss out yet again. (Nod to Smart Alex)...

ESJ 16.12.13 7:05pm
Tedious article about Spurs by celebrity fan an 'inevitability' warns sports ed

An inexplicably appointed sports columnist is about to write yet another tedious personal account of an event at Tottenham Hotspur, sports editors have warned. The news follows the announcement...

ronseal 16.12.13 5:50pm
Avuncular harbourmaster wins Ports Personality of the Year 2
Smart Alex 16.12.13 5:14pm
Formula One New Rules Include “Dance Round”

Following announcements by the FIA that the final race of the season will now be worth double points, further changes have been announced that will take effect from the 2014 season., Qualifying,...

james_doc 16.12.13 4:39pm
Thousands of non-job holders face non-redundancy in legal loophole

A top employment lawyer claims to have identified a flaw in the Coalition’s campaign to reduce the number of people in ‘crazy non-jobs’. ‘The legislation as currently framed deals only with...

Des Custard 16.12.13 4:35pm
"Fiat money" accepted in exchange for 2nd hand Cinquecento

after offer of Bitcoin payment was refused...

NewBiscuit 16.12.13 1:29pm
Trite bullshit painted on wood changes woman’s entire personality

A wooden board painted with the words ‘be happy’, ‘always tell the truth’, ‘keep your promises’, ‘help others’, ‘say please and thank you’, ‘try new things’, ‘spread...

Idiot 16.12.13 12:47pm
Nigel Farage to be dropped on the Ukraine

In a last ditch attempt to stave off closer ties with the EU, President Viktor Yanukovych has ordered Kiev protesters to be bombarded with the leader of UKIP. Aerial strikes will include the dropping...

Wrenfoe 16.12.13 12:23pm
Mandela is risen from the dead

In the biggest news scoop in a thousand years, Sky announced that Nelson Mandela had risen from the dead in the early hours of this morning., Little detail was given, but it was confirmed that...

Starchy 16.12.13 11:07am
Beyoncé's new boyfriend says he can't wait to get her home and get her dressed 0
Robopop 16.12.13 9:53am
The Queen is Dead - ish.

Well, the revolution happened quite a time ago and you missed it. Revolutionaries wiped out all the aristocracy before realizing [i]they[/i] now owned the land - so didn't bother telling anyone. By...

parrettwalker 16.12.13 9:52am
Andy Murray voted sports "personality" that ironic or what! 2
irreverendJ 16.12.13 8:53am
O'Toole to play Mandela in biopic update

Recently deceased actor Peter O’Toole has been cast as Nelson Mandela in an update of the former S.Africa president’s life., O’Toole is to play the last 10 days of Mandela’s time on earth,...

Gerontius 16.12.13 8:45am
‘And That’s Why I Don’t Bother Voting Anymore’ Explains John From Accounts

John from accounts has derisively sighed, shaken his head in despair and apathetically slung his copy of the Daily Mail onto the canteen table while declaring ‘And that’s why I don’t bother...

UnoEye 16.12.13 8:11am