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Welcome to the NewsBiscuit Writers' Room 0 Nice Admin Lady 02.12.13 11:19pm
Nice Admin Lady
Typically, EU Responds To Vaccine Delays By Introducing Additional Bureaucracy

More (bureaucracy, that is, probably not vaccine) later. '[i]Virus, Now Required To Fill In Even More Forms Before Being Allowed To Infect Anyone, Gives Up & Goes Away.[/i]' ...

Titus 27.01.21 1:46pm
EUreaucrats Stand By Breeding Tanks Of Vaccine Micro-Organisms & Shout 'Faster!' 0
Titus 27.01.21 1:37pm
'Plymouth Hoe definitely a down-the-docks prostitute,' confirms Mark Zuckerberg 0
SteveB 27.01.21 1:27pm
Teenager’s sock canonised by Vatican

Every sperm is sacred . . ...

deceangli 27.01.21 1:24pm
Boris’s quarantine plans thwarted by hotels suddenly full of incontinent tramps

Faced with the prospect of becoming non-petting zoos for aggrieved travellers with as much self-awareness as a gregarious Covid particle surfing the crest of a spit-flecked “BUT I’M EXEMPT!”...

Filthy Rich 27.01.21 1:22pm
Pope Condemns Squirrel Contraceptives: 'Just Take their Nuts Away'

Hat-tip to Wren & actually posted on behalf of Al: ...

Titus 27.01.21 1:14pm
HS2 Plans To Hire Protesters As Tunnel-Building Contractors 0
Titus 27.01.21 1:10pm
Boris Johnson 'deeply sorry' so many voters thought he was Benny Hill 1
SteveB 27.01.21 12:57pm
Al OPecia
Essential training module questions for Vaccinators

1. What should you do if you hear a continuously sounding fire alarm?, A) evacuate the building immediately, B) stay put, it will probably be a test, C) fetch marshmallows, stat., D) Archie...

Ironduke 27.01.21 12:52pm
Second jab may be delayed until UK re-joins EU. More soon. 2
Al OPecia 27.01.21 12:48pm
Serial killer ‘misused apostrophes’

Colin the Cannibal, Swindon’s most notorious serial killer, has had his sentence doubled following forensic examination of his gloating notes to police. “The man’s an animal” said...

deceangli 27.01.21 12:44pm
Filthy Rich
Boohoo rebrands Debenhams Debut ‘A Little Mum Cry and Pelvic Floor Clench’ 0
Filthy Rich 27.01.21 12:32pm
Filthy Rich
Devout Churchgoers Dismay As Religious Leaders Condemn Covid As A Bad Thing

'We had been all been comforted and reassured by the confident belief that this plague was part of God's Great Plan and was a punishment for our sinfulness, which we could only overcome by...

Titus 27.01.21 12:32pm
Filthy Rich
Squirrel oral contraceptive less fiddly than squirrel condoms

More later...

Wrenfoe 27.01.21 12:30pm
Filthy Rich
Boris makes heartfelt non-apology for being Boris

During his 4593rd Downing Street press conference, PM and Finger Puppet in Chief for the military wing of the Tory party, Boris Johnson, was forced into making a new non-apology. The non-apology,...

oshaughnessy 27.01.21 12:28pm
Filthy Rich
Oh, My Old Man's a Keyworker

Now here's a little story, About a front-line nurse, Ever since Covid struck, His life got noticeably worse Some people make a fortune, Others earn a mint, My old man don't earn much, In fact...

Al OPecia 27.01.21 12:26pm
Filthy Rich
Quarantine Airbnb not so successful

While the Government introduces Quarantine Hotels, plans to put potentially ill travellers in your spare bedroom have been less than popular. Airbnb plans to offer private lodgings for any...

Wrenfoe 27.01.21 12:25pm
Filthy Rich
Equity fury as struggling actors told to improvise 6
Myke 27.01.21 12:23pm
Filthy Rich
Scheme to help unemployed pirates ‘patchy at best’ admits government. 1
Myke 27.01.21 12:19pm
Filthy Rich
Fronted adverbials declare independence

The Fronted Adverbials Liberation Front (motto: Before Long, We Will Overcome) has declared independence from the United Kingdom in a move which has surprised civil servants and really pissed off the...

deceangli 27.01.21 12:17pm
Filthy Rich
Squirrels' nuts targeted 0
SteveB 27.01.21 12:09pm
Grey Squirrels accuse Red Squirrels of attempted genocide 0
Sinnick 27.01.21 12:01pm
Four Horsemen rebrand as Chinese, Kentish, Brazilian, and South African Covids 0
Mick Turate 27.01.21 11:52am
Mick Turate
Things you could do with 100k deaths

1. Invade Belgium and steal all the chocolate, 2. Put half of them in German uniforms and half in British, then recreate the first day of the Somme, 3. Build a railway to Spain...

deceangli 27.01.21 11:41am
Media outlet seduces with lies then subverts with facts 0
SteveB 27.01.21 11:20am
Colours My Be 'Slightly Less Vivid' As Chelsea Flower Show Moved To December 0
Titus 27.01.21 11:18am
Boris channels spirit of Frank Spencer in 'doing all he can'

Caretaker Prime Minister Boris Johnson has been speaking about his 'passion' for the character of Frank Spencer. "I like to wear a beret in private and blow stuff up", he told journalists. "Then I...

deceangli 27.01.21 10:57am
Facebook to become a peer-reviewed journal

Magdalena Skipper, Editor of Nature, can only dream of Facebook’s membership figures. The only real difference between Facebook and more mainstream science journals like Nature or the British...

deceangli 27.01.21 10:42am
Boris Johnson deeply sorry that people think he's useless. 0
Mick Turate 27.01.21 9:39am
Mick Turate
Government reduces UK’s climate footprint to a size 9 and a half 0
oshaughnessy 27.01.21 9:14am