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Welcome to the NewsBiscuit Writers' Room 0 Nice Admin Lady 02.12.13 11:19pm
Nice Admin Lady
Man briefly thinks 'oh, FFS' when hearing about Charlie Gard

A Shropshire man was today in hiding after finding himself spontaneously thinking 'oh for fuck's sake' when hearing a news item about the plight of little Charlie Gard. The momentary thought, no...

Bravenewmalden 26.07.17 4:44pm
Al OPecia
Student describes Pesto as ‘transformative’

Martin Cabrera, 20, has declared himself the ‘new Jamie Oliver’, having found out that Pesto is more than just a mysterious jar hidden behind some out-of-date kidney beans. Martin further wowed...

Wrenfoe 26.07.17 4:34pm
LGBTQ doesn't stand for Let's Get Bombing Those Quranists, concedes Trump. 0
dominic_mcg 26.07.17 4:28pm
Britain To Go Back To Horse And Cart From 2040

The Government today announced ambitious plans to ban modern road transport and go back to the horse and cart by 2040. With average driving speeds in London down to just 7 inches a minute, motorways...

daneade 26.07.17 4:04pm
Danish police arrest ‘mad Prince Hamlet’ in double murder mystery

It was the mystery that had everything: love, intrigue, murder, insanity and feuding, all at the highest levels of society. Now, all of Europe is stunned to learn that police in Elsinore have...

Oxbridge 26.07.17 3:48pm
BMW to build Flintstone cars at Oxford plant.

A fully human powered version of the world famous Mini is to be built at the BMW plant in Oxford., A spokeswoman for BMW, Hannah Barbera, said that this will not be a brand new car, but a redesigned...

dominic_mcg 26.07.17 3:44pm
London Cocaine Dealers Announce Post-Brexit Frankfurt Move.

In a move that sent shockwaves through the City of London, and bankers lunging for their speed-dials, London’s ‘Big 5’ cocaine dealing groups announced they had chosen Frankfurt as their new...

daneade 26.07.17 3:37pm
Mike Ashley to hold future business meetings on a Corsair just off Hispaniola 0
DavidH 26.07.17 3:15pm
Low sperm counts trigger the quarter-hourly 'milking' of Jagger and Rees-Mogg

I'll leave you with that image...

DavidH 26.07.17 3:13pm
LA trader arrested for importing 'Snake and Onion' crisps without onion 0
DavidH 26.07.17 2:57pm
Trump compromises and sends all transgender troops to Syria. More soon. 0
dominic_mcg 26.07.17 2:23pm
1,299,999 US military personnel apply for gender reassignment 0
DavidH 26.07.17 2:11pm
'No red carpet for Trump' warns Mayor of Wolverhampton

The Mayor of Wolverhampton has warned that should Donald Trump’s State visit to the UK include a detour to Wolverhampton, he will not get any red-carpet treatment. Speaking from his Civic Hall...

Dick Everyman 26.07.17 2:10pm
Liam Fox throws up in pub fireplace

Following Sports Direct boss Mike Ashleigh’s drinking escapade and subsequent high court victory, Liam Fox has decided to follow suit by vomiting into the fireplace of The Golden Ball Public House...

Landfill 26.07.17 11:44am
Woman Briefly Appears to Have a Moustache Again

Local dental hygienist Wendy Bennett spent a solid thirteen seconds under an unfortunate lighting arrangement which created the firm impression she had a thin moustache. Bennett, who is naturally...

No Refunds 26.07.17 10:54am
No Refunds
Theresa May pledges not to mock the Gordon Brownies at Girl Guides' Jambouree 0
Dick Everyman 26.07.17 10:24am
Dick Everyman
Desperate suicidal woman pulled back from brink by 'U Ok hun?' facebook message. 0
NotNowCato 26.07.17 10:08am
National Dental Association reveal all toothpastes are exactly the same product

The National Dental Association have revealed that all toothpastes are exactly the same paste, just sometimes coloured differently. In a series of revelations, Dentists have said the best advice for...

richmitch 26.07.17 9:12am
John Gummer volunteers his grandchildren to eat chlorinated chicken. More soon. 4
dominic_mcg 26.07.17 9:09am
Student debt is ‘character building’

According to the tabloids, owing £90,000 before you have left home now tops Maslow's hierarchy of needs – just above feeling bloated, spam email and hangnail. University students need to stop...

Wrenfoe 26.07.17 9:08am
Test card girl paid less than male clown toy. 10
JETFAB 26.07.17 9:07am
Southern Rail release hostages after receiving 71% approval ratings

Hundreds of people who have been held hostage on the Brighton line for the last three months are to be released after friends and relatives agreed to give some positive reviews on their service. ...

apepper 26.07.17 9:05am
Electric cars: concerns about whether flexes will be long enough 0
maxine jones 26.07.17 8:45am
maxine jones
Transfer spending dangerous, says man who has spent billions

Spendthrift football manager Jose Mourinho has come out fighting today, branding football transfer spending as ‘dangerous’ and ‘unsustainable’. Mr Mourinho, known for his frugality in the...

MarkMaguire_ 26.07.17 8:44am
Surge in sales of ride-on petrol lawnmowers predicted 0
maxine jones 26.07.17 8:43am
maxine jones
Sperm count study 'reached premature conclusion'

..more to come...

cinquecento 26.07.17 7:06am
Government announces plans to reduce UK male sperm count to zero by 2040.

"This will have major benefits for the environment", claimed Michael Gove...

Mick Turate 26.07.17 6:28am
Mick Turate
Women who don't eat breakfast more likely to die unmarried claims cereal giant

The world's leading producers of breakfast cereal have revealed that young women and girls who don't have at least one bowl of their product each morning will almost certainly be left on the shelf...

Jonny Shlep 26.07.17 4:27am
Jonny Shlep
From 2040 all new UK vehicles to be pulled by Icelandic strongmen 0
DavidH 26.07.17 12:16am
BMW buy Oxford and move it to Germany

More to follow...

apepper 25.07.17 11:23pm