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Keith Harris Joke Amnesty Thread 7
Adrian Bamforth 14 minutes

Flying way up to the sky didn't want to get in the gox etc etc...

Lurpak on offer at Asda, says your wife's mother at six in the frigging morning 1
Oxbridge 16 minutes

According to sources close to your wife, which during the last five seconds have have been positively identified with her mother, Lurpak is on sale at 40% off in Asda this week. The news emerged in a...

Catholic Church: divorce must remain a sin between man and woman 5
steve_l 41 minutes

Following the passing of the Gay Marriage bill in Parliament, the Catholic church remained on the offensive, this time coming out against Gay Divorce. A spokesman said, "for centuries the Catholic...

Tweed underpants top Sunday Times Itch List 7
nickb 1 hour
Tories threaten to finish what they started‏ 14
Wrenfoe 2 hours

Buoyed by an endorsement from representatives of 5,000 small businesses, the Conservative Party has pledged to put a ‘food bank on every street corner’. Not content with four years of misery,...

Miliband denies cynical showbiz stunt was behind condolence flowers sent 2 Orvil 0
ronseal 2 hours

Sources close to the shadow prime minister have furiously denied that Ed Miliband's visit to a showbiz personality was anything more than a simple act of compassion. Some critics have claimed that...

Miliband cock a hoop at gaining audience with Russell Brand 0
ronseal 2 hours
Daily Mail reader lynched after posting sympathetic comment about Bali Nine 0
beckfordburger 2 hours
Scientists promise time travel "should be possible by 2005" 0
sydalg 2 hours
Keith Richards thought he was dead before re-reading headlines 1
Iroquois Pliskin 3 hours
Orville spotted with Emu in Spain says Europol 1
Iroquois Pliskin 3 hours
Tracking bracelet for non-offenders launched - 'Apple Watch' 7
bonjonelson 3 hours

A new big-government inspired tracking program for all citizens has been launched in the US, the UK and many other countries. The programme, called 'Apple Watch' which is a statement of fact rather...

Cameron struck dumb folliowing Keith Harris' death 0
Not Amused 3 hours
Cameron to match Mili-Brand with trip to Jim Davidson's house 0
johnnydobbo 4 hours

More soon. Inevitably...

Orville 'rendered speechless' by Keith Harris death. 0
ESJ 4 hours

Probably more to come...

Celebrity sues after prison stint was 'wrong type of humbling experience' 0
ronseal 4 hours
Mismatched expectations incident as Archaeologist seeks to date Madonna 0
ronseal 4 hours
Lib Dems to rebrand as The Second Sons 0
pere floza 4 hours

Drawing upon the immense popularity of The Game of Thrones and recognising his party's real role on the political landscape, Nick Clegg has announced that the Liberal Democrats will be renamed after...

Dementia figures soar as enquiry into sex abuse in North London schools begins 0
beckfordburger 5 hours
Russell Brand to stand in every constituency 1
StanleyMizaru 5 hours

In a surprise move, it has been revealed comedian Russell Brand is standing for election in every constituency in the UK. Mr Brand has quietly been registering as a candidate as part of his campaign...

Keith Harris has died, reports suggest Orville had a hand in it. 0
phil_smith 5 hours
Keith Harris is dead. He's not... he is etc. 0
Skylarking 5 hours

Morville soon...

Osborne justifies slowing economy as 'not one of mine' 0
throngsman 6 hours

Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has defended his fiscal policies in the wake of the revelation that the economy has slowed for the sixth successive quarter. "I have been personally...

Baltimore policeman scratched on the hand: state emergency declared 0
Robert Koch 6 hours

Tragic events occurred this week when Sgt Durkovitz, 42, a member of the gallant Baltimore police department cut himself in the course of reloading his automatic rifle when dealing a black youth ...

God reveals he doesn't believe in Nick Clegg.... 0
blueboy 7 hours

God admitted that although he doesn't believe in Nick Clegg he's keeping an open mind and not denying his existence...

Man spends all day with untied shoelace after pissing on foot 0
Iroquois Pliskin 7 hours

A man from Essex has spent the entire day with a loose left shoe, after inadvertently urinating on it. Neil Smith, from Colchester was just 'nipping for a quick waz' before a team huddle when the...

Quake Disaster Officially Over 0
Denis Dijon 7 hours

Nepalese officials are scaling back the country's rescue efforts now all the climbers have been airlifted from Everest base camp. 'We are so pleased that we have been able to save most of the wealthy...

Match.com claim another success as woman pulled from quake rubble 0
Thundi 8 hours
Sturgeon seen leaving panda enclosure in wee small hours 0
Drylaw 8 hours
Litter dropping to be official Olympic sport 0
Dick Everyman 9 hours

The International Olympic Committee has announced that Litter Dropping will be included as an official sport in the 2016 Rio de Janeiro Summer Olympics. After decades of indecision and with pressure...