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Welcome to the NewsBiscuit Writers' Room 0 Nice Admin Lady 02.12.13 11:19pm
Nice Admin Lady
Supermarkets launch ‘Donate To Landfill’ scheme

In an innovative initiative to help their customers during the coronavirus pandemic, supermarkets have begun displaying ‘Donate to Landfill’ collection boxes. Instead of queuing up to strip the...

0
Newsdesk 04.04.20 7:05pm
Newsdesk
Corvid-19 test needs pint of blood. 'That's nearly an armful' says Hancock 0
antharrison 04.04.20 6:43pm
antharrison
Covid-19 TV schedule announced... chip-in folks

Cursing with Jane McDonald, Ant & Dec's Saturday Night Hideaway, Antiques Stay-at-Home Show, Celebrity Don't Bother, Love Isolation...

1
antharrison 04.04.20 6:39pm
brainstorm
Parliament to be dismantled since they found they could do the whole thing

a lot more cheaply and with less bollocks from their Living Rooms...

0
brainstorm 04.04.20 6:32pm
brainstorm
Findus releases new dish, Four Horsemeat of the Apocalypse

Hat tip to Smart Alex...

1
sydalg 04.04.20 6:27pm
Adrian Bamforth
Trapeze artist in social distancing tragedy 6
Dick Everyman 04.04.20 6:25pm
sydalg
Police break up sunbathing crowds in Glasgow as temperature hits 9C 2
fletcher 04.04.20 6:17pm
Titus
Four Hearse-Men of the Apocalypse 0
antharrison 04.04.20 6:16pm
antharrison
Jeffrey Archer admits blame for Coronavirus

Wordsmith, fifth Beatle and former Olympic athlete Jeffrey Archer has admitted coronavirus sprang from his award-winningly fertile imagination, and ‘skipped’ from his brain chemistry into a...

1
nickb 04.04.20 6:15pm
Titus
Man reporting people for walking, now off to his GP surgery with a sh*tty rash

57-year-old Marlon Wells, the self-appointed head of operations for his local neighbourhood coronavirus watch, that’s not a thing, is both reporting everyone he sees outside while also rocking up...

0
A.Mantra 04.04.20 6:13pm
A.Mantra
Quantum physicist uses sports journalist to make something out of nothing

European scientists have placed a TalkSPORT radio commentator inside the Large Hardon Collider in an attempt to create matter from anti-matter. Top radio host Colin Murray agreed to stand inside the...

2
Myke 04.04.20 6:00pm
Titus
Frenchman celebrates Armageddon with four horse menu of the apocalypse 1
Smart Alex 04.04.20 5:56pm
Titus
Four Hoarse-Men of the Apocalypse, Test positive for Covid-19

More later...

1
Rowly 04.04.20 5:49pm
Titus
Edinburgh Fringe cut 6
throngsman 04.04.20 5:32pm
AdrianJ
Northerners urged to, “connect with their inner Southerner.”

To combat the spread of COVID-19, Northerners are being asked to curb their natural gregarious personas and instead channel their more disagreeable, “inner Southerner.” “We want people north...

6
AdrianJ 04.04.20 5:00pm
fletcher
1995 Ford Mondeo Ghia Shows Signs of Coronavirus

In what’s thought to be the first case of it’s kind, Dave Spratt of Brentwood, Essex claims that his 1995 Ford Mondeo Ghia has contracted coronavirus. “I was just down to the local Co-Op, you...

6
JBP 04.04.20 4:58pm
fletcher
‘Ohhh.....Keir Starmer!’ Labour leader chooses Agadoo as signature tune 3
Myke 04.04.20 4:57pm
fletcher
Police fine couple caught playing a Crowded House album 3
oshaughnessy 04.04.20 4:08pm
deceangli
Labour elects its first female leader 1
thackaray 04.04.20 3:50pm
Myke
New Labour Party magazine launched, Der Stärmer 1
sydalg 04.04.20 3:49pm
Myke
Letter from Boris hypo-allergenic one-ply and perforated

30 million households in the UK by now should have received a pamphlet outlining advice concerning the coronavirus: the symptoms, safety concerns, and instructions what to do with the accompanying...

0
DavidH 04.04.20 2:32pm
DavidH
Middle-class status backdated to pre-pandemic levels of sanctimony

Due to the unprecedented disruption to the emporer’s wardrobe caused by the Covid-19 outbreak, the Land Registry has announced that from june middle-class status will revert to pre-pandemic levels...

3
DavidH 04.04.20 2:14pm
oshaughnessy
Starmer invited to Headless Chicken meeting at No. 10 0
Guido Drapatolli 04.04.20 2:13pm
Guido Drapatolli
Matt Hancock puts a stop on ramblers, starting with Boris Johnson. 1
Dick Everyman 04.04.20 2:11pm
oshaughnessy
Man awakes from isolation disco with familiar hangover-related memory loss

A man who joined in with his neighbours he doesn’t know, in what he anticipated would be a tame – if inevitably soulless and weird – solo disco experience, has woken up face down, properly...

0
A.Mantra 04.04.20 1:50pm
A.Mantra
Starmer Landslide 'Probably Not Part Of A Conspiracy By The Jews' Says Momentum 0
Titus 04.04.20 1:04pm
Titus
Corbyn supporters dismayed to find Labour might be electable again 0
bookiesfriend 04.04.20 12:51pm
bookiesfriend
Mary Whitehouse confronts the Four Coarsemen of the Apocalypse 0
Mick Turate 04.04.20 12:09pm
Mick Turate
Sir Keir does topless shoot for Daily Mail to launch New Labphwoaaar! Party 0
fletcher 04.04.20 11:59am
fletcher
Four Morsemen of the Apocalypse to deal with Oxford murders. 0
Mick Turate 04.04.20 11:31am
Mick Turate