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Welcome to the NewsBiscuit Writers' Room 0 Nice Admin Lady 4 months
Spineless, poisoness blob of mass stung by jellyfish 3
camz 15 minutes
Government to extend life expectancy forecasts to toddlers 0
throngsman 26 minutes

Following on from the success of providing pensioners with an estimate of how long they may live, the government is extending the service to include toddlers. "While it has proven useful for...

Rare snakes 'thin on the ground' 0
Smart Alex 1 hour
Jellyfish sting provides excuse for people to urinate on Cameron 0
Smart Alex 1 hour
Cameron incident upsets jellyfish, leaves ‘nasty taste in the mouth’... 1
Tripod 3 hours
Immediately after his espousal of Christianity, Cameron is stung by jellyfish 4
pinxit 4 hours

Turns out there is a God after all...

Cameron decides what this country needs is more religious claptrap. 0
vulture1 5 hours

"Six days shalt thou labour for minimum wage and on the seventh thou shalt chillax" and other holy utterances out soon in paperback...

Rutland mother of five 'gutted' that the earth didn't actually move for her 0
Underconstruction 7 hours
Aliens filmed petting on olympic swimming-pool sized asteroid 0
Underconstruction 7 hours

Astronomers tasked with filming the near-miss of asteroid DA14 as it passed Earth have expressed delight and surprise at footage which clearly shows aliens engaged in heavy-petting., "Several frames...

Ofsted shocked at 'unusual practices' at Hogwarts School 0
custard cream 7 hours

Ofsted Head Sir Michael Wilshaw said inspectors were shocked at the 'unusual practices' they uncovered in a surprise inspection of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (Academy)., "The first...

Deadly quake wipes out Rutland, damage estimated at £20 5
custard cream 8 hours
Boost for Miliband, as invertebrate enjoys success against Cameron 0
Andy Gilder 10 hours
Farage denies existence of UKIP jellyfish training centre. More soon. 0
dominic_mcg 10 hours
Jellyfish reminded me of Nick Clegg, admits PM 0
Squudge 11 hours
Cameron in sting. Orders poached salmon in aspic gets jellyfish. More soon. 0
dominic_mcg 11 hours
NUT members delighted that leader spoke 'clearly and nicely' throughout address 0
Underconstruction 12 hours
Toads demand that toadstools be re-named. 0
Maverick 12 hours
Da Vinci portrait confirmed as a 'selfie' 0
Underconstruction 12 hours
Abu Hamza unable to play hooky in US courtroom 8
Squudge 12 hours

Islamist preacher Abu Hamza, born Mustafa Kamal Mustafa, has appeared at the US federal court in New York this week, minus his scary bits. Hamza lost his hands doing something that 'went down a bomb...

Easter Top Gear special 'Pope my Ride' 1
Squudge 12 hours

The BBC are advertising (every hour on the hour), a blockbuster Top Gear special filmed on Good Friday, to be screened on Easter Monday with His Holiness Pope Francis as the star guest. During an...

Pensioners helpfully told 'your days are numbered' 7
Wrenfoe 14 hours

Minister Steve Webb proposes that all of the UK's OAPs should be given a stark reality check in terms of life expectancy. Mr. Webb's understandable concern is that the elderly are unaware of their...

Andre Johnsonless. 0
Maverick 15 hours
Wanted Arab terrorists located by scent of their strong perfume 0
Dumbnews 17 hours
Supermarkets Admit Lamb Products May Contain Bush Meat. 0
Rumour Control 20 hours

No Horse related Phenyl Butazone carcinogens this time then, only a slight risk of haemorrhagic fever...

Snowden Asks Putin ‘Will the KGB cut my Balls off if I do not Co-operate’ 0
Rumour Control 21 hours

In the most unconvincing propaganda yet, Putin denies mass interception of communications in Russia, "nothing like that happens in this enlightened country free from police suppression and...

London Marathon to be revamped as London Snickers 0
camz 21 hours
Last of the Mohicans - Diary entry: "Off to get a bowl cut" 0
camz 22 hours
Cut-Backs Affect Local Newsp 0
Titus 23 hours
US Courts agree to deport Abu Hamza back to the UK 0
bonjonelson 23 hours
Cardiff complain to League that Palace knew in advance that they were shit 1
bookiesfriend 23 hours

Cardiff City have sent a 5-page letter of complaint to the Premier League arguing that their 3-0 defeat at the hands of Crystal Palace in early April should not stand. The Welsh club claim to have...