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Welcome to the NewsBiscuit Writers' Room 0 Nice Admin Lady 02.12.13 11:19pm
Nice Admin Lady
Police thought tasered pensioner had a 'mobile missile launcher'

85 year old pensioner Ivy Grimshaw was tasered by Manchester police earlier today as she left the Arndale Centre. A spokesman said that the police unit had mistaken Mrs Grimshaw's walking frame for a...

2
poopscooper 27.02.17 2:14am
Justin O. Zimmer
Environmentalists Protest Outside Hell Over Pollution From Eternal Flames

'It may be Hell' said Anne Dringer, spokesperson for the People's Collective For A Sustainable Afterworld 'but that is no excuse for not caring about the environment. Eternity is a long time, and...

1
Titus 26.02.17 11:51pm
Titus
Scafell Pike chosen as new call-in centre for disability benefits claimants 0
George Freeman 26.02.17 11:19pm
George Freeman
Lord Heseltine Offers To Be More Effective Opposition Than Entire Labour Party 1
Titus 26.02.17 11:05pm
deskpilot3
New DNA evidence confirms that Marley did, in fact, shoot deputy.

A breakthrough in forensic science has enabled Trenchtown CID to finally solve the decade’s long mystery over who shot the deputy. Flamboyant calypso singer, Bob Marley, was jailed in 1973 for...

1
poopscooper 26.02.17 10:58pm
Sir Lupus
Tinseltown Luvvies Accuses Politicians Of Living In A Fictional Fantasy Land 1
Titus 26.02.17 9:56pm
Maverick
Germans Blacking Up for Personal Safety

Recently published statistics show that less than ten attacks were made daily against immigrants in Germany during 2016. This compares favourably with the latest available crime statistics for the...

0
JPost 26.02.17 8:52pm
JPost
Bill Pullman not dead. More later.

More later...

1
Wrenfoe 26.02.17 7:45pm
Bogbrush
Scientists claim Mountain Rescue teams "ineffectual" at saving mountains

Noting that the Earth is at the end of an interglacial period that has seen the creation of many major mountains such as Mount Everest, named after the double glazing company, Mount Snowden, named...

2
throngsman 26.02.17 7:43pm
Bogbrush
Convent Dedicated To Celestial After-Life Registers 'Nun Of The Above' Party

Promptly wins most seats in next general election. [Hat to to deceangli] ...

0
Titus 26.02.17 5:39pm
Titus
Nuttall tells Carswell ‘Sort out face or leave the party’.

Tensions between under pressure UKIP boss Paul Nuttall and the party’s only MP Douglas Carswell boiled over earlier today and got rather personal. Exasperated by the MP’s seeming lack of support...

1
poopscooper 26.02.17 4:30pm
Bogbrush
United accept giant panda in exchange for Rooney.

Speaking at a press conference at Old Trafford, United boss Jose Mourinho confirmed that ‘want-away’ striker/midfielder Wayne Rooney had finally been offloaded to Chinese League One side Qingxin...

1
poopscooper 26.02.17 4:27pm
Bogbrush
No one expecting political comments at Oscars. 0
Maverick 26.02.17 2:26pm
Maverick
Mo Farah tests positive for Quorn mince. More soon. 0
dominic_mcg 26.02.17 2:11pm
dominic_mcg
Corbyn to copy Bjorn Borg: Won't shave until he wins an election. 0
deskpilot3 26.02.17 12:52pm
deskpilot3
Pancake panic: Corbyn bans Labour MPs from buying flour and eggs

as they could be deployed within 45 minutes...

0
deskpilot3 26.02.17 12:48pm
deskpilot3
Concern among women as man flu crosses the species barrier 0
Smart Alex 26.02.17 9:34am
Smart Alex
Swimming pool turd insists he is not to blame for humiliating defeat

A turd found floating in a swimming pool in Cumbria insists he is not to blame for turning people away from swimming in the pool. The 67 year old turd said he was disappointed with the negative...

2
Gerontius 26.02.17 9:18am
Gerontius
Couple plan 'holiday of a lifetime' outside their car

With Spring in the air, Brenda (68) and Bert (69) Simmons are preparing for what will be for them the holiday of a lifetime. 'We usually get in the car and drive down to the beach car park,'...

5
roybland 26.02.17 8:04am
Gerontius
Man who lost to Ed Miliband, now an expert on winning

With the sage advice of someone with his 'd$ck caught in his zipper', David Miliband has stepped forward to advise the Labour Party, he abandoned, on where they are going astray. Mr. Miliband was at...

4
Wrenfoe 26.02.17 7:58am
Gerontius
Corbyn ambition is tomatoes according to rumours

Jeremy Corbyn would rather spend the next few years growing tomatoes rather than becoming prime minister, according to Labour Party rumours. 'Jeremy would just like to rule over his allotment...

2
roybland 26.02.17 7:27am
Midfield Diamond
Sockpuppets join ranks to sink Titus floater 0
Flashmob 26.02.17 12:18am
Flashmob
Isle of Wight To Introduce Hard-To-Forge 12-Sided £1 Note 1
Titus 25.02.17 11:37pm
Titus
Farage says Paul Nuttall is "Stoked". 0
Maverick 25.02.17 10:33pm
Maverick
Syrian refugees complain of "pull factor" of British politics

Syrian refugees have called on the government to stop "being sentimental" about Derbyshire MP Pauline Latham. "She's living in a district that is recognised internationally as being well picturesque...

0
throngsman 25.02.17 9:40pm
throngsman
Nuttall to resume surgical career

Paul Nuttall, whose Uncle Barry invented cheese, will today announce his intention to leave politics to return to paediatric oncology. The move will dismay many in UKIP, who apparently revered Paul...

2
deceangli 25.02.17 9:02pm
throngsman
New series of Ant and Dec's takeaway puts the turd back into Saturdays 1
Smart Alex 25.02.17 7:46pm
deskpilot3
Farage in menage-a-trois with Merkel and May. More to come.

Thought he'd also go with Pen and tell her...

2
Maverick 25.02.17 7:45pm
deskpilot3
Insurance deadlock over fire damage to Vauxhall Zafira carrying Whirlpool drier.

No-one claiming anything. Especially not responsibility...

0
deskpilot3 25.02.17 7:44pm
deskpilot3
Banned by Trump for fake news? Write for NewsBiscuit instead 2
Smart Alex 25.02.17 4:08pm
farmer giles