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England seals northern border to immigrants 2
cinnahmon 8 hours

Virgin Trains have announced the suspension of services from Glasgow Central to London Euston. Thousands of Scottish economic migrants have been marooned in Britain's northernmost wasteland dashing...

Anglo-Spanish beer makers almost organise party. 0
olddoc 8 hours
IS threaten to destroy Minecraft sites 1
throngsman 8 hours

Islamic State has declared today that UNESCO attempts to recreate the Temple of Bel using the virtual Lego game, Minecraft, would be "destroyed" by IS gamers accessing and corrupting UNESCO servers....

UN to recreate world heritage sites in Minecraft. 0
deskpilot3 8 hours

Just like the real thing. And no chance of vandalism by mindless tossers...

Majority of time on facebook spent judging strangers, admits Zuckerberg 3
Dumbnews 8 hours
Tourist arrested after taking the waters at Bath Spar 0
blacklesbian 9 hours
Chilcot to return to job of updating Newsbiscuit tickers after finishing report 3
bonjonelson 9 hours
Sperm Bank 'crash' more of a squelch 1
Wrenfoe 9 hours

On what financial analysts are calling 'White Tuesday', the UK national sperm bank was forced to admit to a massive loss of savings and that the content of their vault was little more than 'a sticky...

UK To Have A Referendum Option Choice Decision 0
Titus 9 hours

To avoid any suggestion of bias, the government has agreed that the public should be allowed to choose whether the wording of Britain's future continued membership of the EU referendum should be:...

National Sperm Bank merge with HSBC to raise deposits from tight-fisted wankers. 0
Crayon 9 hours
Chilcot turns to psychic to trace report 0
tamoshanter 10 hours

..more soon...

Harry Redknapp pursued around Tesco by reporters on transfer deadline day 0
Midfield Diamond 10 hours

As the transfer window closed last night, former football boss and reckless spender Harry Redknapp was followed around his local supermarket by television journalists. Keen for an incriminating...

National Sperm Bank management vow 'to make a good fist' of the job 0
throngsman 10 hours
Vatican prepared to forgive those who voted Tory 0
throngsman 10 hours

In a shock announcement today, Pope Francis has instructed priests to give Catholic voters who voted Tory at the last General Election absolution. This is part of a Holy Year commencing 8th December...

LibDems envious of National Sperm Bank’s 9 members 2
deceangli 11 hours
Wife agrees to re-wording of "Can my mum visit?" question 0
Underconstruction 11 hours

MTF (soon) Like this idea...

Austrian police find van containing Von Trapp family corpses. More soon. 8
dominic_mcg 11 hours
EU Referendum question changed to 'Dads Army' invasion graphic to tick or cross 0
Underconstruction 12 hours
Rugby player comes out as football fan 15
S J Roe 12 hours

James Richardson, the 18-year-old fullback for Avingdale rugby club's youth side, yesterday came out as a football fan in a tearful confession to his team mates. 'We knew something was amiss; the...

National Sperm Bank has just 9 wankers 2
Dun Dunkin 13 hours
Brazil Mayor who ran town through Nintendo DS murdered by ‘rogue Sims’ 1
Tom Learmouth 14 hours

Lidiane Leite, mayor of Bom Jardim, was murdered last night by the very Sims she created. Leite ruled the capital of Maranhao state from her luxury apartment, only communicating with residents...

Netflix rebrands as Netflick 0
antharrison 14 hours
National Sperm Bank reliance on 9 donors sparksfears of liquidity crisis 0
cinquecento 14 hours
Deadline Day terms added to OED 1
sdritchie 15 hours

"Martial Law": the inevitable price increase any English team must pay for trying to purchase a player on Deadline Day. See Ramiro Funes Mori to Everton - "Did you notice Everton announced they'd pay...

Turks instructed to refer to Turkish Kurds as ‘Turds’ from now on 0
farmer giles 16 hours
Louis van Gaal signs 3-week-old baby for £75 million 0
farmer giles 16 hours

“Besht dribbler I have ever sheen” beamed Man U supremo, who looks a bit like Robert Mitchum...

National Sperm Shortage due to HMRC Crackdown on Cash in-hand work 0
james_doc 16 hours
Kim Kardashian's arsehole to run for president 2
jp1885 16 hours
The Electoral Commission recommends a change to the referendum question. 2
riesler 17 hours

Now reads "Should the UK not refuse to not leave membership from the EU?"...

Palmyra to be rebuilt in London with Lego 0
Dun Dunkin 17 hours