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The News before it happens

'Carriages at Midnight' means 'order your own Uber', bride and groom confirm

The phrase 'carriages at midnight' on the bottom of a wedding invitation does actually mean you should order your own cab at the end of the evening's festivities, it has been confirmed. The news ends intense speculation from recipients of wedding invites everywhere that they might be welcomed by a fleet of lavish, 19th century horse-drawn transportation with gold-leaf trimmings, welcomed by an army of fawning footmen, at the end of the wedding reception at a provincial hotel,

ChrisF

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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West Ham 'going down', takes on sinister meaning

Accusations of misconduct by co-owner, David Sullivan, has created horrendous double meanings for the team. 'I'm forever blowing bubbles' is less of a chant, more of a witness statement. Despite denials, Sullivan's claret and blue handsy armsy is cause of much gossip. Claimed one season ticket holder, "The Championship will be as a difficult to get out as a Sullivan clinch." Loyal fans still yell, 'Come on you Irons!', while his lawyer quickly countered, 'Come on who? My clie

Wrenfoe

Starmer: I'll bore all Britain's problems to death

'I urge Labour not to replace me as leader with anyone like Burnham or Streeting until they seriously compare their abilities to solve Britain's problems with my own,' droned Sir Keir. 'I have an amazing talent," he continued to mumble, nasally. "I can sit opposite a hardened teetotaller and talk to them and within two minutes they're wondering whether 10 am is an OK time to start drinking. 'Within ten minutes, they are well and truly comatose. 'That's how I have been able to

Jeremynh

Two year old "prick" shortlisted for next FIFA peace prize

Clacton toddler, Wayne Jenkins, has been shortlisted for the 2027 FIFA Peace Prize. Rachel Meadon has been a babysitter for Wayne and speaking from her hospital bed, Ms Meadon issued the statement, "My god, that little ****?" FIFA president, Gianni Infantino, explained the decision. "Our first thought was to give it to Donald Trump again but in the long tradition of the peace prize, no one has received it twice. So we spread the net a bit wider and we discovered on a childcar

apepper

Caption Competition

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Caption Competition 12th June 2026

To enter the competition sign up to our Writer's Room - and add your entry here https://newsbiscuit.proboards.com/board/5/caption-competition The closing date will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

I am sensing that you are both Pisces

WINNER I am sensing that you are both Pisces lockjaw RUNNERS UP "Your future looks fishy to me" sirlupus Well, I can definitely see an X, so you're either going to find buried treasure or have a win on the pools robfalconer You're about to get catfished. How do you feel about that? jeremynh Passengers for the Titan submersible Mark II were leaving nothing to chance. Paul L

Unfortunately, the Jones family arrived at the zoo too late

WINNER Unfortunately, the Jones family arrived at the zoo too late robfalconer RUNNERS UP Look! A dinosaur-sized squirrel. granger Dinosaur community feeling the brunt of anorexia epidemic. sydalg That one's called Keir, next to Wes, and the one on the left is called Andy deskpilot

Breaking News

Defence Secretary Surrenders

Reform MPs charged more for boarding planes with all their excess personal baggage

Bungalow owners complain about two-tier housing market

Russell T Davies cancels Christmas

Nightclub incident: England cricket team all out

David Sullivan has had his knockers

Deal for USA to win World Cup close says Trump

Andrew charged soldiers rent for standing in sentry boxes

Features

Exploding Wheelchairs, Layby Love & Spider Balls - NewsBiscuit Podcast 61

https://youtu.be/o71xEJ1F69s https://open.spotify.com/episode/1uRlciTeVrFLC6Qt3f2wz7?si=gwxOEF9CTxiHbyPJDe4ToQ Episode 61: Exploding Wheelchairs, Layby Love & Spider Balls Comedy news from NewsBiscuit Featuring Guests: Sketchly, Uncle Egg & Paul L Host: Wrenfoe. May-June 2026 http://www.newsbiscuit.com/ We are also listed on Sticher, Pocket Casts, Deezer, Listen Notes, Podcast Addict, Castbox, YouTube, Spotify, Apple iPlayer Podcast, Amazon Music & Anchor.

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Cartoons

The fake MP

'Little sh*theads coming over here, wrecking our neighbourhood'

OUT NOW: merch from the man who can't resolve the Iran debacle

Believing in fake news was the Achilles elbow of the ancient Greeks

From the Archive

Drawing a line under things and moving on

PM Boris Johnson – proof that you can achieve anything if you’re rich, white and male enough – has inspired others to draw lines under things and move on. Shelley Stevenson told partner Youssef Younis ‘Sorry babes, I’ve been shagging your brother, now let’s draw a line under this and move on.’ A heartbroken Younis choked back tears as he replied ‘Well, in fairness I have gambled away our savings, car and house. Now let’s draw a line under this and move on.’ Tory intern Henry

Remote workers vote to strike from home

Following the breakdown of a series of Zoom meetings to discuss pay and conditions, telecommuting staff have voted to take industrial action and are preparing to go on remote strike. The action could see workers failing to attend virtual communication seminars, remote documentation reviews and on-line management briefings, all without the need to blame their internet connection or IT set-up. The Union Convenor explained that the pay offer had been rejected by the membership v

Firms to use brain data surveillance to monitor workers

Companies are showing increasing interest in using brain-monitoring technology (‘neurotech’) to keep track of what their workers are up to. Trials at a French-owned TotalPrix discount store have already proved the value of the technology, by electrocuting and grassing up staff, Retail assistants on minimum wage wore a special beanie hat that monitored their brain waves. While the staff were stacking shelves, talking to customers or working at the checkout, there was no discer

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

Starmer: I'll bore all Britain's problems to death

Major exchange of rockets deal announced by Trump’s Board of Exchanging Rockets

Trump boasted of a literal groundbreaking exchange of rockets deal to commence this Monday. Both Iran and Israel agreed to extend the exchange of rockets by another two weeks. This is another win for Trumps Board of Exchanging Rockets, that was a major factor in the exchanging of rockets agreement. Since he was given unrestricted power, the current US President at time of going to press, has started eight new exchanges of rockets between various countries. He was recently awa

'Carriages at Midnight' means 'order your own Uber', bride and groom confirm

64,500 no shows for driving test – 7% of them still passed

According to the DVSA, 3.2% of test bookings are missed, but some inept drivers do better by not turning up. Explained Charlie (17), 'Parallel parking becomes irrelevant if you refuse to acknowledge parallels. There are no minor faults if there is no corporeal foot touching the pedal.' One Instructor explained, 'It's not for everyone and this way the car remains in a pristine, Schrödinger’s clutch state. You also avoid the existential horror of a roundabout entirely. You neve

Science
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Business

Lifestyle

Horizon computer system being relaunched as friendly AI tool

Horizon, the faulty computer programme at the heart of the scandal in which hundreds of sub-postmasters were wrongfully convicted, is being repurposed as a helpful AI chatbot for public use. 'After all the horrendous damage Horizon did to people's lives," said a spokes-virus for its owners, Fudge-It-Su, "this is a way it can give back to British society.' So saying, the virus asked Horizon for instructions on making a cherry and almond cake and got this reply: 'Marc Almond wa

Social media users agree never to believe anything posted ever again

All social media users everywhere have agreed never to believe anything posted from now on. NewsBiscuit is unaffected.

Steer clear of Cryme Regis this summer, warn cops

Dorset Police are telling tourists to avoid the formerly sedate coastal resort of Lyme Regis, warning it has become a blackspot for crime and disorder. "Lyme Regis? Cryme Regis, more like," said a spokes-ASBO for Dorset Police. "Nowadays it's plagued by flying squads of hoodlums who operate in broad daylight on the seafront, knocking the chips out of people's hands and jabbing them repeatedly until an ambulance arrive. "And that's just the seagulls. "Plus they make a racket m

Exam board defends convoluted and labyrinthine Maths exam questions

A Qualifications Scotland spokesperson has defended a controversial Higher Maths paper after pupils said that it was "unrecognisable" from the paper they had prepared for in class. The pupils said that the wording of the questions was so confusing that they did not know what was being asked. Sir Humphrey responded: " A constriction of the channels of communication, that culminated in a condition of organisational atrophy and administrative paralysis may have lead to the mix-

Local News

West Ham 'going down', takes on sinister meaning

Two year old "prick" shortlisted for next FIFA peace prize

Sport
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Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

'Carriages at Midnight' means 'order your own Uber', bride and groom confirm

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

West Ham 'going down', takes on sinister meaning

Starmer: I'll bore all Britain's problems to death

Two year old "prick" shortlisted for next FIFA peace prize

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition 12th June 2026

I am sensing that you are both Pisces

Unfortunately, the Jones family arrived at the zoo too late

Defence Secretary Surrenders

Reform MPs charged more for boarding planes with all their excess personal baggage

Bungalow owners complain about two-tier housing market

Russell T Davies cancels Christmas

Nightclub incident: England cricket team all out

David Sullivan has had his knockers

Deal for USA to win World Cup close says Trump

Andrew charged soldiers rent for standing in sentry boxes

Exploding Wheelchairs, Layby Love & Spider Balls - NewsBiscuit Podcast 61

The fake MP

'Little sh*theads coming over here, wrecking our neighbourhood'

OUT NOW: merch from the man who can't resolve the Iran debacle

Believing in fake news was the Achilles elbow of the ancient Greeks

Drawing a line under things and moving on

Remote workers vote to strike from home

Firms to use brain data surveillance to monitor workers

Our annual for 2021-22

Starmer: I'll bore all Britain's problems to death

Major exchange of rockets deal announced by Trump’s Board of Exchanging Rockets

'Carriages at Midnight' means 'order your own Uber', bride and groom confirm

64,500 no shows for driving test – 7% of them still passed

Horizon computer system being relaunched as friendly AI tool

Social media users agree never to believe anything posted ever again

Steer clear of Cryme Regis this summer, warn cops

Exam board defends convoluted and labyrinthine Maths exam questions

West Ham 'going down', takes on sinister meaning

Two year old "prick" shortlisted for next FIFA peace prize