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The News before it happens

Torygraph: Useless Burnham starts by doing something we want

'For months, we have been saying that the proposed digital ID card is an outrageous threat to British people's liberties,' thunder the proprietors of the Daily Torygraph, Sid and Doris Forsythe-Bonkers, in the paper's editorial today.

Jeremynh

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Publishing:

Mumsnet to gain nuclear capability

Online whingeing forum Mumsnet is believed to have joined the nuclear powers after developing its own atomic bomb. ‘Obvs we’d prefer a hydrogen bomb’, a spokesmum said.

Sully

Winner of the World Cup Tie-In Snacks Announced

Watching men in great physical shape run around doing the footballing for five and a half weeks has led to an increase in viewers' snacking across the participating nations.

Sarah Tipper

Yes! You too can play Trump Middle East pinball

It's the new craze for deranged, octogenarian Americans which is proving even bigger than golf. 'Anyone can play this game,' said a spokes-flipper for the Trump Corporation.

Jeremynh

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Caption Competition

Caption Competition 24th July 2026

To enter the competition sign up to our Writer's Room - and add your entry here https://newsbiscuit.proboards.com/board/5/caption-competition The closing date will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

Sue and Jenny compare urine samples as they deny any mental issues from sharing an igloo.

WINNER Sue and Jenny compare urine samples as they deny any mental issues from sharing an igloo. apepper RUNNERS UP Arctic bar ‘The Cheeky Penguin’ now serving urine at minus 40 degrees centigrade. fernandomando You mean we're not supposed to sit in front of the fridge with the door open all day? robfalconer The first bushtucker trial on Svalbard was to drink each other's urine. You'll be surprised at what happens next. Sinnick Delegates share a joke at the global warming den

Me too- a WhatsApp from Uncle Nigel asking me to open a crypto wallet for him

WINNER Me too- a WhatsApp from Uncle Nigel asking me to open a crypto wallet for him. sirlupus RUNNERS UP A Norton 360 VPN, and we're back on Porn Hub baby! custardcream Is it weird that we can direct air strikes on Iran like this? jeremynh Heartwarming scene as two children create cherished memories for Apple’s shareholders. fernandomando Hey! There's instructions on this website for how to take a backpack OFF. writinginbsl Children watch in delight as Andy Burnham announces

Breaking News

Keegan crosses

Laxative addict thinks he has Assperger's syndrome

Trump insists Bone Spurs kept him out of US soccer team

Wife who fell down wishing-well now recovering in Well Woman Clinic

Chef plays down kitchen fire as just a flash in the pan

Tate Meets Fate

Water companies to go into liquidation

Labour changes team captain at 1/2 time. Will they need a hydration break next year?

Features

Horoscopes for July, by Gen Z and Gen X

Those readers who aren't hip to their jive may find help understanding what they are blethering on about with these translatorficators: anythingtranslate.com/translators/gen-z-translator/ anythingtranslate.com/translators/gen-x-translator/ Aries Bruh, you’re getting delulu. You need to touch grass pronto. Taurus Sis, your new amore gives everyone the icks. They need to take several seats. IYKWIM Gemini Dude, you’ll be slaying it this month. You’re the main character for sure.

Lockjaw

Cartoons

Front bench job for Larry?

Considerate KC 3 offers Andy B the job

Network Rail raises money to restart HS2 project by selling platform tickets for Clacton by-election

Mysteries of the world explained: Part 1 The dog walk

From the Archive

Rishi Sunak and Liz Truss find a fridge large enough for both egos

Following on from the success story that was Boris Johnson, the two people most likely to succeed him have borrowed his campaigning skills by hiding, presumably in a fridge. 'You can't blame me,' Mr Sunak is understood to have told someone who wasn't a TV interviewer, 'It's very hot outside, and hotter under scrutiny.' Ms Truss is believed to be very concerned about cheese and didn't actually know why she was there, anyway, which suggests business as usual. Woman Fridge Ref

Met Office issues "boring weather" warning for most of year

Following a winter of storm warnings and a summer of heat wave alerts, the Met Office has today announced a series of warnings of "depressingly underwhelming" weather covering the entire rest of the year. Apart from a few more furnace-like heat waves, most of the summer is classed as "fair to middling". The autumn is forecast to be " dull, damp and slightly dismal", and the winter "tediously cold, but then again not that bad". "Brits run the risk of running out of weather wor

Parents furious as kids' summer blockbuster has no adult jokes

For decades, parents have put up with watching 2nd rate cartoons as there has always been a few smutty jokes just for them. However, the latest summer blockbuster "Under the shed" has been a winner with the kids but has enraged parents and grandparents alike. "It's just a cartoon about some woodlice living under a shed," one angry parent told us. "We spent almost £50 on tickets and £30 on snacks at our local cinema and there's not a single blue joke, insinuation or double ent

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Politics

Torygraph: Useless Burnham starts by doing something we want

Yes! You too can play Trump Middle East pinball

It's the new craze for deranged, octogenarian Americans which is proving even bigger than golf. 'Anyone can play this game,' said a spokes-flipper for the Trump Corporation.

Fire Brigade called to release family trapped in Escher exhibition

The emergency services were called to the Escher exhibition at Somerset House on London’s Embankment this week to free a family from Guilford who had become trapped in the staircase leading from the ground-floor up to what they thought was the first floor, only it turned out to be the ground-floor again which led – how can it? – back down but also up to the ground-floor again where they found themselves going down and also up – again! – to the basement? oh this is hopeless, M

Friend using phrase 'cheat code' to refer to very minor shortcuts to success

A friend is insisting on repeatedly using the phrase 'cheat code' to refer very elementary shortcuts to success in the most basic tasks, it has been confirmed.

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Ryanair announces new perks

'Fresh air is a rare commodity and we're proud to be the first airline to offer this,' said a Ryanair spokesman, 'and at only £7 it's a steal,' he added. 'We accept there are less dramatic ways of achieving this and are actively retrofitting hinges and release mechanisms under the control of cabin staff. This does not include sticking your head out to get a better view, obviously. That's £5 extra', he said. image from Google Gemini Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscu

Champagne cans divide Wimbledon committee

The sound of champagne corks popping at Wimbledon can annoy the people trying to play the tennis. Watching tennis is thirsty work because of the heat, and the long games, and it's very sweaty when they close the roof. So it's understandable that spectators are keen to snag a couple of magnums of Moet, or Bolly. Or to sneak in a bottle of Waitrose ornery. The All England Tennis Club is dealing with a number of complaints about popping corks from players. They say that it's har

Mumsnet to gain nuclear capability

Online whingeing forum Mumsnet is believed to have joined the nuclear powers after developing its own atomic bomb. ‘Obvs we’d prefer a hydrogen bomb’, a spokesmum said.

Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real

As the UK swelters in the third heatwave of the summer, it was announced today that the people of Clacton in Essex will be given the chance to rule on whether climate change is a real thing or “just an establishment stitch-up”. “Yes, these things were once decided by scientists with qualifications,” said spokesman Dave Concrete of the Reform Party, which organised the poll. “Just as you might, say, get forensic accountants to go through a politician’s finances to determine wh

Local News

Winner of the World Cup Tie-In Snacks Announced

Watching men in great physical shape run around doing the footballing for five and a half weeks has led to an increase in viewers' snacking across the participating nations.

Racists can no longer claim England flags are for the World Cup

Thousands of fat, middle-aged, white racists are devastated that following the conclusion of England's World Cup campaign, their England flags will either have to come down, or they'll have to admit they're racists.

Sport
&
Entertainment

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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Torygraph: Useless Burnham starts by doing something we want

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Mumsnet to gain nuclear capability

Winner of the World Cup Tie-In Snacks Announced

Yes! You too can play Trump Middle East pinball

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition 24th July 2026

Sue and Jenny compare urine samples as they deny any mental issues from sharing an igloo.

Me too- a WhatsApp from Uncle Nigel asking me to open a crypto wallet for him

Keegan crosses

Laxative addict thinks he has Assperger's syndrome

Trump insists Bone Spurs kept him out of US soccer team

Wife who fell down wishing-well now recovering in Well Woman Clinic

Chef plays down kitchen fire as just a flash in the pan

Tate Meets Fate

Water companies to go into liquidation

Labour changes team captain at 1/2 time. Will they need a hydration break next year?

Horoscopes for July, by Gen Z and Gen X

Front bench job for Larry?

Considerate KC 3 offers Andy B the job

Network Rail raises money to restart HS2 project by selling platform tickets for Clacton by-election

Mysteries of the world explained: Part 1 The dog walk

Rishi Sunak and Liz Truss find a fridge large enough for both egos

Met Office issues "boring weather" warning for most of year

Parents furious as kids' summer blockbuster has no adult jokes

Our annual for 2021-22

Torygraph: Useless Burnham starts by doing something we want

Yes! You too can play Trump Middle East pinball

Fire Brigade called to release family trapped in Escher exhibition

Friend using phrase 'cheat code' to refer to very minor shortcuts to success

Ryanair announces new perks

Champagne cans divide Wimbledon committee

Mumsnet to gain nuclear capability

Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real

Winner of the World Cup Tie-In Snacks Announced

Racists can no longer claim England flags are for the World Cup