In a bold move today, Keir Starmer will announce age checks on social media to protect older voters from radicalisation. ‘Social media is a hellhole’, a spokesman told us. ‘Flags, memes, outright lies – old people aren’t properly prepared. They tend to believe any rubbish if it’s in print. Twitter is like the Daily Mail on steroids’. Over 60s will need permission from their children or two medical professionals to own a smartphone. The Government will issue Nokia 8850s from o

With the government hell-bent on stopping under sixteen year old children accessing the internet, children are pointing out they use their apps to monitor their friends have returned home safely. 'Apparently I'll need to use my minutes or text allowance to check if Billy got home ok,' said Jimmy, aged eight, 'and I need that to ensure I can call my mum if I'm stuck. So I'm going to use something I found on the internet - apparently people used to dial friends and hang up afte

The fashion world has been rocked to its core by revelations that clothing exists to keep us warm and cover our nakedness. ‘No, you’ve got that wrong’ said Stella (23), never been gainfully employed yet somehow expensively dressed. ‘Life is fashion. Fashion is life. What could be clearer?’ NewsBiscuit spoke to several fashionably dressed people in central London. They were all bloody annoying. All agreed that fashion is an art form, on a par with poetry or music. Or that othe

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The ghost of author John Mortimer, best known for his Rumpole of the Bailey novels, is to sue Reform from beyond the grave over their selection of Robert ‘Rob’ Kenyon in Makerfield. ‘Woo, woo’, said Mortimer’s ghost, ‘It’s a straight rip-off of ‘Rumpole and the Bubble Reputation’, woo’. (Sir John Mortimer has been a ghost since 2009, you’d have thought he’d be better at haunting, but there you go). NewsBiscuit has read Rumpole and the Bubble Reputation and we can confirm simi

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Prime Minister (at the time of writing) Keir Starmer has hit back at critics who say the ban on under 16s using social media is unworkable. Stating that critics have no idea how easy it is for government to monitor online activity of citizens, he laid out the punishments being considered for children who break the new law. First offenders will be fined two packets of Panini stickers and a vape, with repeat offenders having their houses raided, all computers and phones confisc

"I give this pledge to the Labour Party and the electorate about what I am resolved to do," said Prime Ministerial hopeful and T-shirt model Andy Burnham. "I will be fearless in saying everything in my power to become leader and make Britain happy. "I will state, forthrightly and in no uncertain terms, that it's time to defy Labour's bleeding heart, left-wing backbenchers, slash welfare spending and boost Britain's defences. "I will also be utterly resolute in saying that we

Aping Netflix's plans of a real-life Squid Game reality TV show the government have announced the second of two payments to help the poorest households with the cost of living will be giving out only after those eligible overcome a set of games similar to those seen in the popular Netflix show Squid Game. As the first of these two cost of living payments is to hit people's bank accounts in July, the government hope this initiative will counter any accusations that they could

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There is no issue with resources in the MoD, insisted a moustachioed cartoon officer with an infeasibly large number of stripes. The official press release is clear. 'Valiant British troops took the unusual step of boarding the shadow tanker by trebuchet, because the unit's helicopter is stuck in Kwik-Fit awaiting the correct windscreen wiper. Four men hit the water and two hit the side of the ship, but three men successfully boarded. 'The three heavily armed soldiers advance

An avid Royal watcher from Swindon has thanked her 'kindly' neighbours for allowing her to watch the trooping the colour on their 50 inch TV. Rose Johnson, 57 has been unable to afford a TV of her own since her 12 year old knock off set broke down, despite working two jobs and selling everything else she could get any money for. The family at number 28, who don't want to be named because the whole thing made them feel sick, said 'It's the least we could do really. We would