Rural parishes unable to find permanent members of the clergy have been forced to bring in supply vicars whose inexperience and lack of authority has made them vulnerable to disruptive parishioners, says a new report.

One temporary priest was reduced to tears with heckling and catcalling during his sermon, and when he looked up he saw that all the church-goers had turned their pews round to face the opposite direction. ‘These young supply vicars do not have the experience to be able to hold the attention of wayward Christians,’ admitted the Archbishop of Canterbury. ‘The moment they turn their back they are pelted with screwed up service sheets and Alpha Course leaflets made into paper planes, and many of them just don’t know what to do.’

Police have taken the unusual step of criticizing the victims of a crime following the unusual kidnapping and deception of an old lady and her grand-daughter known locally as ‘Little Red Riding Hood’.

‘Frankly we are stunned that these two individuals were not more alert to the possibility that a crime was being attempted’ said Chief Inspector Hooper of the Forest Division. ‘You would have to have pretty poor eyesight not to be able to tell the difference between a small girl and a great big wolf, even if it had adopted the rather basic disguise of a red hood.’