Andy Burnham's neighbours in Warrington are receiving fashion guidance to ensure that anybody in close proximity to the new PM meets the approval of online harridans.

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Ace deal maker and definitely not a loser Donald Trump is working to fix the Iran War. 'It's just about making a deal,' said the President in a rare moment of lucidity on waking from his late afternoon nap.

The Forde report has proven that Labour's right wing deliberately destroyed their chances of election victory, something Liz Truss has only managed to achieve by accident. An aide remarked: 'Labour officials worked tirelessly at sabotage, whereas our Liz only needs to stare vacantly at the camera, while she shouts something unintelligible about cheese. 'Ideally we'd like to be Machiavellian but Liz is barely Mac 'n' Cheese. Just by drawing breath, she can take 10% off your po

The country is currently experiencing a prolonged period of hot, dry weather. As you may have noticed, there is currently less water falling from the sky than usual, and water supplies are getting low. This has come as a complete surprise to us, despite operating a water company.

Online whingeing forum Mumsnet is believed to have joined the nuclear powers after developing its own atomic bomb. ‘Obvs we’d prefer a hydrogen bomb’, a spokesmum said.

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Watching men in great physical shape run around doing the footballing for five and a half weeks has led to an increase in viewers' snacking across the participating nations.

Following on from the success story that was Boris Johnson, the two people most likely to succeed him have borrowed his campaigning skills by hiding, presumably in a fridge. 'You can't blame me,' Mr Sunak is understood to have told someone who wasn't a TV interviewer, 'It's very hot outside, and hotter under scrutiny.' Ms Truss is believed to be very concerned about cheese and didn't actually know why she was there, anyway, which suggests business as usual. Woman Fridge Ref

'For months, we have been saying that the proposed digital ID card is an outrageous threat to British people's liberties,' thunder the proprietors of the Daily Torygraph, Sid and Doris Forsythe-Bonkers, in the paper's editorial today.

It's the new craze for deranged, octogenarian Americans which is proving even bigger than golf. 'Anyone can play this game,' said a spokes-flipper for the Trump Corporation.

writer: robfalconer