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'They never do or say anything particularly interesting, but the pair of them turn up for a couple of hours in a dreary East Midlands city and for some reason they're on the front page of every newspaper in the UK,' said a spokes-drone for the Surbiton-based Posh N Becks Prize Committee.

French rioters have attempted to sell off their spoils, with some questionable EBay listings…

Figures show that by 2024, 80% of all shameless ghouls will have cashed in on the MPs murder. This includes ministers forcing through legislation that had nothing to do with his death while trying to sell terrorist-themed travel mugs and mouse mats. Explained one MP: 'If you have a pet project, now is the time to piggyback on this awful incident. I want more chopped cabbage, so I'll be introducing 'David's Slaw'. A colleague is concerned about arthritic hands, so will prop

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To kick start the UK, the Labour Government has set out a series of practical steps – such as wrapping the National Debt in cling film to “keep it fresh” and applying a strip of duct tape to inflation. Said the Chancellor, 'These are meaningful measures — now if you’ll excuse me, I need to blow the lint out of the stock exchange.'

An independent panel has found Manchester City Football Club to be guilty of 115 offences of financial misconduct. The club say that the independent panel is clearly biased, stupid, corrupt and, worst of all, Southern. They are appealing all the guilty findings.

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It emerged today that the latest in a long line of furious French protests about nothing in particular is actually about the strain of being French.

Dominic Raab has revealed what he did with the body of someone who threatened to attack him. The Deputy Prime Minister claims he received three “threats to life and limb” that have resulted in pre-emptive attacks launched by himself or with the help of Scotland Yard. Raab told reporters, “I received very specific information about a planned acid attack. and so I decided to stake out the address of the suspect – a normal, respectable family man with three children, now orpha

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With apologies to the late Drew Struzan, creator of the designs for Back to the Future movie posters and a Hollywood legend for his artistry