Contractors overseeing the building of the London Olympic stadium today had to request police assistance to remove Kevin McCloud and the entire ‘Grand Designs’ production team from the site. Builders said that they had never agreed to feature on the hit Channel 4 TV programme and were fed up with McCloud striding across the site saying in hushed tones that he wondered whether they were being a bit over-ambitious given the budget and time constraints.

Drug dealers across Britain are coming under increasing pressure to come clean about whether some of them have been secretly dabbling in sport. One leading drug lord has claimed that an interest in athletics, football and tennis is not only commonplace but tacitly accepted across the industry and that many gang leaders are prepared to turn a blind eye to the practise.

‘Sport is ruining the world of drugs’ said one smackhead from Manchester’s Moss Side. ‘In the good old day, sickly looking dealers used to sidle up to you on a shady stairwell on the estate. Now you have to run after them on the athletics track and they pass you a bag of crack like it’s some bloody relay baton.’