'I wish to inform the House that evil elves - a gang known as the Downing Street SPADs - put me under a spell and persuaded me that Mandelson should be our man in Washington,' a swivel-eyed Sir Keir Starmer told the Commons. 'Then they told the wicked goblins at the Foreign Office not to tell me the bleeding obvious - that he had come nowhere even close to passing security vetting. 'I know, it's incredible,' said Starmer, in response to howls of disbelief from across the cham

T he Prime Minister claimed the 'I know nothing, I'm a complete muppet' defense when explaining his incompetence to the House of Commons. Asked if he was aware that Mandelson had failed his vetting, the PM claimed not to know what a vet was. By his own admission, his only qualification for the most powerful job in Britain is that he is completely clueless and has slopier shoulders than a pencil. Suddenly his inability to prosecute Jimmy Saville and Prince Andrew start to make

George Frideric Handel could win a prestigious songwriting award, a mere 296 years after the song was released. The composer’s “Zadok the Priest”, written in 1727 for George IV’s coronation, has experienced a major resurgence in popularity, in the run up to Charles III’s coronation. It's now been shortlisted in the "most performed song" category at the Ivor Novello Awards, which celebrate outstanding writing and composition. Government Minister for Antediluvian Nostalgia, Jac

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Adam and Eve, the current heads of the Garden of Eden shortly, will take over on 1 September and The Serpent will be cursed to crawl on its belly as executive chairman. The Serpent will stay as chief executive through the summer to work with Adam and Eve on the transition from nudity, to being fully clothed. After that it will "assist with certain aspects such as banishment from the garden, introducing death and manual labour". This follows months of speculation that the Appl

The International Maritime Organisation is bringing back Tufty the Squirrel to offer advice to ships' captains as they try and make it through the perilous Strait of Hormuz. "Look right, look left, then look right ahead," says the iconic cartoon character - the star of British TV road safety films in the 1960s and 1970s - in a series of recent Instagram posts. "Listen out for the sound of missiles or drones," continues the perky Tufty, "and always tell a grown-up where you're

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Should they win the next election anyone over 5.6ft or 35 years will be deported. Specifically the recent influx of Normans and their inability to integrate without shooting people in the eye. A spokeswoman said: 'The true English should be riddled with smallpox and live in a pigsty, with none of this newfangled clean water. And the average Brit is a peasant called Ethelbert.' Weeding out the pseudo-French may prove hard, given that Reform's leader is called Farage. However,

Keir Starmer is unable to get any political messaging across because The Waily Male is monopolising the news cycle with spurious accusations besmirching Labour politicians. Instead of being able to detail fiscal recovery plans, Starmer is left facing a barrage of irate questions about what Ed Miliband did to a puppy in 1993. 'We have installed an advanced system called Three Tombolas,' said a Lucky Dip contractor for The Male. 'The first one produces the name of a Labour poli