Donald Trump’s desperate deal to get diesel prices down is a dismal disaster. Vladimir Putin can hardly believe his luck. Donald’s deal is to buy diesel from Russia, to bring down prices in the US and to save the Republicans from mid-term election wipe-out. This is good news for Vlad, as he gets to sell fuel to fund his war machine and because it makes Trump look like a loser. Even better, Donald’s deal hasn’t even touched the price of diesel, which is still going up. This m

Netflix has signed a deal with the US government to broadcast all future executions live on a dedicated new channel to be called Deathflix. The executions will take place during Super Bowl weekend to maximise advertising revenue. “Me and ‘pistol’ Pete [Pete Hegseth, Donald Trump’s Secretary of Carnage] have been discussing this for some time,” President Trump said, “and it’s going be beautiful, really beautiful.” The first execution will be of former US Army Major Nidal Hasan

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Home Secretary Suella Braverman has announced that from 2023 all citizens will be given new 'Brexit Caste' level, following the model that is used to define people in India. The surprise announcement, made over an evening social gathering in the far right wing of the Birmingham conference center during the annual get together of Conservatives, will mean that each citizen will be given a caste, or 'level' within society that they cannot ultimately break out from. While the Ind

Undercover reporters have discovered that Deloitte helped Roman Ambramovich falsify tax returns, which is like saying you have found out that he does not keep his money under a mattress. Nothing is surprising about this case. It is like being bewildered that he has a team of lawyers, following the other revelation that fish inhabit the sea. This is in keeping with headlines such as – ‘Billionaire caught owning a yacht the size of a medium-sized democracy. Neighbours stunned’,

"The big thing about Kemi is that she really thinks through her genius policy decisions," lied a spokes-Pinnochio for the Conservative Party. "So we wondered on her behalf how we would make up the revenue lost in removing inheritance tax on homes and we came up with a revolutionary new 'sap tax'. "This is a tax levied specifically on kind-hearted saps who do things like tip cabbies, hand wallets full of money into the police and fill out tax return forms without inventing a w

Senior Reform figure Zia Yusuf has expressed his horror at discovering that some people currently in Britain are from abroad. Specifically, he said he was concerned about Sagal Abdi-Wali, the Somali-born candidate he said was being “foisted” on the people of Holborn by Labour. His tweet ended “Do you understand what’s happening?”, a question he later elaborated on in discussion with party workers. “Everywhere you look, you see people who aren’t from here,” he lamented. “And h

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Jay Blades: Our guest today has an ancient an much loved heirloom. Charles, do tell us about it. HRH Chuck Three: Well, Jay, it is the British Monarchy. It has been with our family since 1917. JB: You are talking about the Windsor marque? HRH: Indeed. It has actually been with the family a lot longer than that, but we rebranded it at that time. JB: I see. So, why have you brought it in today? HRH: Well, it's just not running that well. It doesn't keep up with the times and it

King Charles has paid a six figure sum to clear Andrew's Pizza Express bills for the last twenty years. Andrew claims that the pizzas were all free, as he was a royal and also a brand ambassador. He says he provided invaluable publicity for the pizza chain as he always used them as his alibi when he couldn't reveal his real location. A spokesperson claiming to represent Pizza Express said that they were grateful to the king for clearing the delinquent's account and that they

Russian spies have reportedly been breaking into the homes of diplomats and journalists to intimidate them. Now, in a bizarre escalation of its hybrid warfare against the West, Russia has allegedly gone one step further - by sending agents into the homes of Finnish MPs to defecate. The latest incidents have raised questions about how Russian agents manage to produce a strategically timed bowel movement immediately upon entering a victim's home. 'It’s not as easy as people th

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