Scientists from cosmetics company L’Oreal were said to be ‘shocked and delighted’ today after being awarded the Nobel Prize for science. The group, led by Chief Researcher Bob Mulligan, was chosen for its ‘fresh and revolutionary insights into twenty-first century haircare’ and was given a special mention for its brave research into how to deal with ‘rebellious fly-away low pH hair and how obscure chemicals can apparently make your hair all shimmery and stuff like that’.

As a cost cutting measure police forces around the UK are to close down CCTV monitoring control rooms and instead are providing footage from the cameras as a live feed on YouTube. It is hoped that, with the audience that YouTube provides, members of the public will see much more of what’s happening on the nation’s street than the current operators and will give Crimestoppers a call.

‘We’ve had to do this,’ said Chief Superintendent Pratt of Teesside Constabulary, ‘as it’s often so boring that our people nod off and miss important crimes. Only the on-line community have the stamina to stare for hours on end at poor quality footage of people’s arsing about – and now at least we can say the streets are being monitored..’