"HickTok is the social media platform for the President's most fervent, pig ignorant supporters," said a spokes-chatbot for Trump Enterprises. "These are the millions of American rubes, redneck and hayseeds who've pledged their votes to him for 2028, despite not knowing what year it is now or even what a vote is. "Because these people - if you can call them that - are functionally illiterate and proud of it, HickTok will show them clips of Trump dad-dancing to YMCA, launching

After years of anticipation, football World Cup tickets have at last gone on sale. Seats at the final are now available for all fans who have completed the official assault course, proved the Riemann hypothesis, and pledged 10% of gross earnings for the next 25 years. Succeeding at these tasks gets you through to the 7 hour wait on a telephone, before the actual price is revealed to you - and the location of the disused warehouse where you go to deposit your cash and pick up

.

Having abandoned abandoning conversion therapy in the UK, the government aims to convert conversion therapy into Tory conversion therapy. The magic money tree will be shaken hard enough to allow the programme to roll out immediately and nationwide, especially in marginal constituencies. Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers said: ‘When you are responsible for as much sleaze, unnecessary suffering and death as we are, how else do you ensure a Conservative landslide at a genera

"I sucker punched Iran by attacking it while it thought we were in negotiations, I killed over 100 kids with a Tomahawk missile and blamed it on the other side and I've let my underlings make millions through advanced knowledge of my announcements about the war," said Donald Trump at a World Wrestling Federation press conference, dressed nauseatingly in a gold sequined leotard. "Now my conscience, whatever it's been hiding, wants to wrestle with me about all that. "When I'm f

.

'We'd just watched Time Team to take our minds of the Lecky bill and the cost of the weekly shop when I had a lightbulb moment. I realised that we needed to dig deep into the back of the larder, that box on top of the high fridge, my husband's car boot and the chest freezer in the garage. 'I thought we might find a few forgotten food items to save us a bit, but we found loads of stuff. And some of it was still in date. We were minted to find so many cans of peas, from when Da

Mars is expected to launch its Earth II space probe in the next few days sending four life-forms to the Moon where it hopes to establish a permanent lunar base once planning permission is sorted. The ultimate aim is to use a Martian presence on the Moon to launch an ambitious mission to Earth where Mars believes there may be life, apart from the region known as Crawley. A trip to Earth presents many obstacles for the Martian life forms. Chief among them is the weather. On Mar

.

.

.

In a Panorama exclusive tonight, after three and a half years of meticulous investigation, Laura Kuenssberg finally reveals what the cameras in the House of Commons are actually recording – a carefully staged, partly improvised showcase of what might happen in that grand building if we actually had a proper government. Through interviews with the show’s writers, Richard Curtis, Jo Brand, E L James and Gary Delaney, and explorations of the daily lives of actors Pev Datel (Rish

Following the news that BBC bosses were aware of allegations against Radio 2 DJ Scott Mills long before they acted, the BBC has issued a statement promising they will “panic much sooner” next time. Mills’ case follows those of Huw Edwards, Gregg Wallace, Rolf Harris, Jimmy Savile and pretty much any presenter you see on Top of the Pops 2. In future, the BBC says it will throw the individual concerned under the bus the moment they hear the flimsiest allegation against them, wi

.

The Chief Executive of Tottenham Hotspur has confirmed the club are in talks with a French stop motion character with a view to becoming their next full time manager. Majority shareholders ENIC say the as yet unnamed Frenchman, who is currently out of work after leaving his post as a fairground manager is available to take over at Spurs immediately and is considered by the Tottenham board to be the perfect fit to revive the fortunes of the ailing EPL club. Chief Executive Ven

A BBC spokes-apologist said 'Like unnecessarily harrowing public information films, historic sex offences used to take place in the 1970s. However time has passed and you are old. Bands that were played unironically on Radio 1 are now being played unironically on Radio 2. Similarly, DJs that were sex criminals working at Radio 1 have now become sex criminals working at Radio 2. You may not like it, but like S Club 7, historical sex crimes can now have taken place in the 2000s