The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit  to enter.   The closing date for the competition will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

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The American influence is obvious, and a reliance on out of date thinking and an appeal to a narrowing market has a led to this mess. Multiple poor iterations have resulted in a massive loss of power with still extremely high running costs. The current Torileda has a Kemi made block which only appeals to those who like to put their foot down. It just doesn’t suit the current environment and is rejected by most European countries. It is ridiculous to think that cutting yoursel

Bob deVilder has spent decades transforming a ruined farm building into an ornately-decorated home which has been dubbed the Hobbit house. Bob, 90, was told in a letter to stop all use of the Lord of the Rings designs and features. He has been ordered to remove the ornate decoration which adorns the house plus any structures or designs relating to a building from any of the films in the Lord of the Rings series. This includes the rounded front door, stained glass windows and

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"Following the resignation of Morgan McSweeney as the Prime Minister's chief of staff," said a Downing Street spokes-Mowgli, "Sir Keir has appointed Lord Peter Mandelson to replace him. "Peter will bring a wealth of experience to the job as a backstage political operator and power broker. "He has also promised us honestly and sincerely that he will never again crawl to very rich people and do them secret favours. "Sir Keir 'Baloo' Starmer made the appointment this morning str

“Look, this has got to stop, we have a bad enough reputation as it is, but please stop linking us with awful elitist bellends just because of name similarity. We get it, we are associated with loads of awful stuff, our PR team is nowhere near as good as the squirrels. Smell a rat? Dude….no need. Why can’t we have “Brave Whistle-blower Rat" rather than just rat out? Even our skill set is mocked, we are really good swimmers and just being wet gets you classed as looking like a

A confused White House is believed to be considering hiring a Catholic priest to exorcise Jeffrey Epstein’s ghost. ‘All I hear is Epstein’s ghost this, Epstein’s ghost that’, a spokesman said. ‘The big man wants this ghost gone, just like he wanted some random people in Minneapolis gone, so that’s what we’re gonna do’. A Vatican spokesman confirmed that exorcism is still a thing but pointed out that the problem might be more to do with living people than dead ones. The Vatica

Take off and glide through the American countryside in a majestic hot air balloon as the sun rises over rolling hills, military installations and landscapes of outstanding natural beauty. Enjoy the perfect 360-degree view from 2000 feet in the air from dawn – the perfect time to soak up spectacular landscapes for as far as the eye can see. Made all the better with a glass of bubbly after landing (if you survive) and a chance to take out a fighter jet with a FREE air-to-air mi

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There was restrained, almost apologetic jubilation at Team GB headquarters last night as Keir Starmer secured gold in the newly created Olympic discipline, Skating on Thin Ice. The course itself was a triumph of modern hazard management, featuring a crevasse filled with snowflake WASPI women, a regiment of frozen pensioners, a slalom of compulsory U-turns, an avalanche of meaningless apologies and a lake of ice so thin it was last seen hosting a Labour policy announcement. St

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What, you want to read them again? Oh OK, then, here goes. Still not satisfied? Well she did refer to the Fifth rather a lot.  Probably asked for a glass of water and a pardon.  Which, given the amount of dirt she didn't spread, is probably in the post.  The pardon that is, not the water.  She almost certainly didn't drink the water anyway once she'd thought about it given Epstein managed to hang himself with paper towels while the CCTV was off. For those with short memories,