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An all party committee of MPs have decided that the only way for the UK to stand a chance at the next Eurovision Song Contest is to enact legislation after debating it in both houses. 'We're working on the lyrics,' said a Labour spokesman, adding, 'and Reform are working on the chorus - it goes "boring, boring, boring" apparently,' he said. The Greens are proposing flutes to feature in the music and the Lib Dems are working on a spectacular stunt for visual impact. 'We've got

"We're critics on newspaper arts pages," said Philippa Page from the Daily Mule, "So we're past masters at writing hundreds of words of drivel about sod all. But even we're in awe of Charles Spencer's ability to write a whole book based entirely on two pissy little afterthoughts about the Diana saga." "Spencer has spent years getting paid for churning out bitchy columns for us here at the Torygraph," said fellow critic Ivor Cushy-Job. "So he knows he's onto a winner when he w

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The queue to pay respects to the Queen became such a spectacle that it attracted people from all over the country. Ron Jenkins has travelled from Clacton and is typical of the visitors; "We'll never see a queue like this again in our lifetime, so I felt I had to come and see it. Yes, I had to wait 5 hours to catch a glimpse of the queue down the Mall and across Westminster Bridge, but it was worth the wait." The queue to see the queue is believed to be the second longest queu

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It is being called the battle of the Charlies. The royal household has invited Charles Earl Spencer to meet King Charles “man to man” in a boxing ring in front of Buckingham Palace – or should that be ‘Boxingham’ Palace – “to thrash this thing out once and for all”. The highly unusual announcement by the Palace, and the language used, shows the strength of feeling there is on both sides. It comes as the royal family braces itself for more revelations in Earl Spencer’s book ab

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Lancashire police have said that they are against an alcohol and music licence for a Blackpool swingers club. The club, called Swapsies and based in Rose Street in the town, said that it could not afford to pay for a door steward, one of the conditions that the police cited for objecting to the licence. However, Blackpool Council have the ultimate decision in granting the licence and the licencing committee have yet to meet. David Rose, convenor of the committee, stated: 'Bl

Another celebrity guest on Joe Rogan has inadvertently courted mockery when, in a fit of excitement, action star Jason Statham beat himself to a pulp live on air. He was on the show to promote his latest action movie, "Death Pigeon," when Rogan joked that there was no one tougher than him. A visibly excited Jason responded by saying, "Watch this!" and proceeded to throw chairs on himself and hurl himself down a set of nearby stairs. A female studio assistant attempted to prev

A strange phenomenon has been appearing across the UK – woolly postbox toppers. They are produced by an invisible army of secret knitters, and no one ever sees these pillar box hats being put into place, they just materialise as if by magic. Using sophisticated surveillance equipment, we managed to track down one of these ninja knitters. Nita Scarfe lives in a tight knit community in Cardigan Bay. She began making postbox toppers to keep herself occupied after a series of fai

author: katipo

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Toy store shelves across the world were today being emptied of all versions of the classic Cluedo murder mystery board game after a pensioner was brutally murdered by someone armed with 4 of the "murder weapon" pieces in the game. 73 year-old James Perbright was found beaten by the lead pipe, strung up by his fingers with several of the miniature ropes, stabbed in both eyes with the dagger, and had the candle stick wedged in his throat. The culprit has not been found but poli