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The UK Prime Minister, wearing some clip-on sunglasses fixed over his spectacles, read out a carefully crafted dis. “'n response to The Notorious DJTs recent comments about us not helping them with an illegal war, I will quote what he said recently about our troops in Afghanistan, we’d only just end up staying a little back, a little off the front lines, so why should we bother? Remember, we’re not dealing with a Roosevelt here.' He carefully placed the mic on the floor and s

'I chose to bomb Iran, rather than anywhere else on the planet, since its name strikes a real chord with me,' Trump told the drone fleet in the White House press corps. 'That's because I ran away from military service in Vietnam, and I ran away from my creditors in Atlantic City. 'Also, I ran away from the Epstein investigation by gratuitously starting this war. 'The next place I'll be bombing is Havana. 'That's because I've been Havana great time throwing my weight about as

The London Mayor's Office has announced forthcoming legislation that will see all motorists in centre of the capital having to observe a strict 0 mph speed limit from January 1st 2027. A spokesperson told reporters: 'We have seen fine revenues dropping significantly as more motorists have become used to adhering to the 20 mph limit. There was some call to reduce that to 10 mph but in the end we decided to go the whole hog. 'So from next year anyone found driving any motor veh

Optometrists Union spokeswoman Julie Piglet said '‘Our demands are very simple – we’re not looking for a pay rise at all. I mean, if they offer us one, we’ll have it – of course we will. But that’s not what this is about. 'For decades – centuries even – opticians have had to wear glasses as part of our schtick. Most of us had perfect eyesight until we became opticians. So our proposal is simple. It’s a like-for-like campaign. We demand, that all dentists must have false teeth

A four-star General explained: 'We are very mindful of using inclusive language and avoiding harmful labelling. In no way do we want undermine or devalue an individual on the basis of physical impairment, but we can all agree the British are f$*king mental.' The backwards manner in which the UK follows America into one illegal war after another, is a clear sign that the lights on but no one is home. Sending British troops to their death just to get a tickle under the chin by

"In times of war, this is the most effective weapon at Britain's disposal," said a Ministry of Defence spokes-ammunition dump. 'It can throw cold water on any conflict and overwhelm every aggressor out there with feelings of stultifying weariness and lethargy. 'Developed out of the dessicated remnants of a crashingly boring lawyer, we have codenamed our drone the Keir Starmer. 'It can drone for hours on end in the Commons without getting tired of itself, invoking this or that

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Global oil firms have urged consumers to focus on the massive 0.1p that they save on every single litre of petrol they buy at forecourts, rather than the eye wateringly high price of fuel at the pumps. . 'For decades, knocking a fractional amount of a penny off the retail price of petrol has been part of our strategy to give something back to hard-pressed customers', said Dave Stetson, a spokesperson for the Petrol Companies Association 'Oil be There for You'. 'It's definitel

A local pub team from Norfolk are continuing their search for a funny team name, after months of an exasperating, fruitless weekly search. The 4 earnest quizzers, led by their team captain, Eddie, 56, are mainstays at the Thursday quiz at the Prince Albert in King’s Lynn, and do well in the quiz but continue to be frustrated with their efforts to come up with a humorous or pithy name for their team. ‘Everyone knows the name of the team is just as important as your performance

Due to a bit of instability near their “home” countries, the UK is expecting an influx of desperate poor decision makers into the UK. Starmer’s regime is even laying flights on for these toerags who contribute little to the UK.' 'I bet if you search their social media history, they will be bad mouthing the UK and saying how awful it is. Then suddenly, when reality smacks them in their tax avoiding faces, who’s here to save them?' said one red face. 'They’ll expect to be in fa

As the US is burning through its missile stock, with more cruise missiles fired on Iran in three days than supplied to Ukraine in four years, the US has found that specialist weapons can't be generated overnight. 'We've been supplying Ukraine with missiles and now they are building their own. They must have loads now,' said a Pentagon official, 'unless they've been using them,' he added, admitting he 'only reads US news, mainly the sports pages'. Apparently Europe and the UK

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