Lurching from one crisis to another, the Man Utd board insisted that this time they had got their man – which was coincidently something the Metropolitan Police might have said. Walliams maybe inexperienced in terms of coaching but is an expert on grooming. Previous appointments had been based entirely on vibes and motivational LinkedIn posts. Out of desperation Man Utd almost turned to the club mascot – as he had the highest win percentage of anyone currently employed by the

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Our new film club is a big success, and we’ve used your feedback to put together a new programme of films for November. We hope that you enjoy them. We always sweep up a lot of biscuit crumbs after each film and we have no idea what to do with them. Please let us have your suggestions. In the meantime, why not enjoy one of our home-made flapjacks from the concession stand? This month the film club is showing: Paint Your Wagon Wheel Fight Club The Bourbon Supremacy Jurassic

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Are you an impoverished Tory MP looking to top up your measly £82,000 annual salary? Frustrated by the lack of opportunities to offer your expert insight on the gambling, tobacco and health sectors to companies in the...er...gambling, tobacco and health sectors? Are you able to suggest a daily consultancy rate of at least £2,000 a day for supposedly just attending a board meeting, whilst keeping a straight face at all times? Then come and register with jobsfortheboys.com, the

LONDON - A media spokesman has apologised wholeheartedly for the recent scandal where a beloved TV presenter has been found to have coerced unwilling viewers into compromising positions against their wills. Speaking at a hastily arranged press conference, communications director Gareth Loam, 54, said the organisation was “deeply, sincerely sorry” to survivors, whistleblowers, loyal staff, advertisers, and “anyone else who has been harmed, ignored, enabled, or accidentally cop

Collins English Dictionary selected the word ‘Mogging’, for its word of the year. ‘Mogging’, a word used playfully to mean outshining, outperforming or upstaging someone, is thought to originate from when Andy Burnham took over from Keir Starmer as Prime Minister. A runner-up to last year’s Collins word of the year was biohacking, whereas a contender for next year’s word of the year is freezer-hacking. Other definitions that made the dictionary's 10-strong shortlist this year

The gang of lads who until recently followed Russell Brand around for no reason at all are seeking a new guy to follow around for no reason at all. Known as his "entourage", the lads all had vague, ill-defined jobs for Mr Brand, allowing them to live off him without really doing much except laugh at his jokes and try their luck with any girls he wasn't interested in, or had finished with. When asked what kind of guy they were looking for to replace Brand, the entourage looked

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Sir Gavin Williamson has resigned as a government minister after allegations of bullying, saying he aims to clear himself of "any wrongdoing” by making the people who made the allegations recant their claims through threats of “duffing them up” Speaking today from behind the Westminster bike sheds where he was vaping with two backbencher acolytes, Williamson said he “refuted” how his “past conduct” had been characterised, and that those who made the allegations will “get what

Taking full blame for the Mid-Term losses, the President said he would transcend human form – and that “sorry” was too small a word for what he was. He also forgave the Democrats, concluding that their dislike of him was simply the universe struggling to understand itself. Speaking from the Mount, Trump became so profoundly self-aware that every criticism of him was instantly answered with: “Yes. That too is me”. A spokeswoman said he intends to relinquish his ego completely,

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TOKYO — The Tokyo Edamame Barbers' Guild has defended its signature 0.1mm fade cut after a customer complained that his appetiser 'looked smug,' insisting the gradient is not decoration but courtesy. The cut, in which each soybean is individually trimmed with 12mm shears forged by a single family in Seki, takes eleven years to learn. Apprentices spend the first three years washing beans. In the fourth year they are allowed to watch a bean being cut. Cutting begins in year s