top of page
Search

John Healey 'considering resignation' over John Healey's budget


Chancellor of the Exchequer John Healey has enraged Secretary of Defence John Healey by refusing to raise defence spending to 3% of GDP.


Healey's offices clarified - again - that Dennis Healey died in 2015, before issuing parallel statements:


'I cannot support my own policy that I completely support. Therefore I must resign in an attempt to force my own resignation thus supporting whatever it was. If that doesn't work, I'll try the opposite. Sorry, what was the question?'


'Look, there's only enough money in the defence budget for me to buy a knife so that I can stick in my own back.'




Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.

Canada to rename Gordie Howe bridge


Canada has, with a heavy heart, announced plans to rename the recently opened Gordie Howe bridge that links Canada to the US.


'It's not big, and it's not clever,' said Premier Mark Carney. 'I feel that we are being dragged down to Trump's level. But we have agreed to match tariffs dollar for dollar, so we can't let the big orange man-baby rename Lake Ontario without a response.


'From Monday, the Gordie Howe bridge will be officially renamed the Donald Trump Is An Economically Illiterate Bully And A Big Fat Loser And An Epstein Loving Pervert Bridge. We've already bought the web domain.'


image by Grok


Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.

Iran war over as Strait of Hormuz renamed Strait of America


The conflict in Iran is over.  Iran has unconditionally surrendered after hearing about the United States declaration that the Strait of Hormuz is to be referred to, by the US Government but nobody else, as the Strait of America.  This cessation of hostilities is proof that all those who thought Donald Trump's renaming of stuff was just performative willy-waving without any substance were mistaken.


Acknowledging the power of Trump signing an unconstitutional executive order and then posting about it on his Truth Social app, an Iranian spokesman admitted that his country no longer had the means to control the flow of shipping through the waterway. He said, 'We have no choice but to stop all our military action in the face of such a devastating change to paperwork regarding the conflict being issued by the White House.'


Buoyed by this success after only six months of mistreating his servicemen and women, using up most of his military inventory and murdering schoolgirls, Trump is apparently considering whether Greenland should be referred to as the Green Land Of The Free.  Suggestions that Pete Hegseth was to be renamed Pete Competent Hegseth were however dismissed as ridiculous.


image from Grok


Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.

bottom of page