Prince Andrew to stand back, again

I have decided to stand back from using certain titles, so henceforth I and the press won't be using 'Randy Andy' anymore. 'His former Royal Highness Randy Andy' is included.

I am also ditching my remaining Royal patronages including Pizza Express. My Royal endorsement for Sure deodorant will remain as a necessity as I have, thankfully,learned how to sweat again.

I will renounce my attendance at Christmas lunch with the King and will be tucking in at the Hungry Horse in Windsor this year, as long as the sponsorship contract arrives.

Putin approves the sale of spud guns

President Donald Trump has said that his promise to sell Ukraine thousands of Tomahawk missiles is withdrawn because when he asked President Putin, Putin just tapped a file marked 'Epstein' and shook his head.  So Ukraine aren't going to get the weapons that could potentially force a ceasefire, withdrawal and sudden fall for Putin from a high Kremlin window.  Instead a range of weaponry has been given the green light by Putin to allow the war to continue until everyone is killed, bored or Farage is Prime Minister, committing all of the UK to aid Russia.

'Spud guns are allowed,' a spokesman for the President said (either, you guess, it doesn't make much difference).  'We had them as kids and they really sting.  That's why the President wears thick layers of orange makeup/sits fifty foot away from the nearest person (delete as inapplicable),' he said.

Other weapons allowed are conkers on really long strings, not boiled or soaked in vinegar as that's 'really mean'.  Catapults are allowed as well, and the recent ban in the UK is going to provide a strong supply chain. Or supply elastic rubber bands. Chinese burns are going to be allowed, but not on North Korean soldiers.  Or Russians either.  Wedgies are permitted in small groups, as is the use of wet towels.

'The President is going to loosen the restrictions on hurty words,' said the spokesman, again not making it clear who was directing the instructions.  Acceptable hurty words include 'Фарадж является российским прихвостнем', 'Брексит — это российский заговор с целью свержения Запада', and 'Реформаторы — хорошие ребята для России'.  However 'Оранжеволицый хорёк из Соединённых Штатов Америки находится в файлах Эпштейна, и у Путина есть копия.'  is on the banned list.  For now.

Robert Jenrick pioneers new ventriloquist act with “Judgie”

Robert Jenrick, once considered a possible contender for leadership of the Conservative Party, has instead struck out in the direction of vaudeville.

Holding up a puppet he called “Judgie”, which in fact consisted of nothing but a judge’s wig, he debuted his new act in front of Tory Party workers in a bizarre and surreal meeting in Pease Pottage.

'Hello, Judgie,' said Jenrick. “What have you been up to lately?'

'Well, I’ve been restricting people’s legal right to free assembly and protest,' replied the puppet, prompting Jenrick to look at the audience in mock surprise. 

'You can’t do that, Judgie,' he continued. 'People have a right to express their opinions, even if you disagree with them.'

The puppet then turned to Jenrick, saying, 'What are you, some kind of pinko Guardian reader? We know what to do with people like you!” Jenrick was then dragged offstage by uniformed thugs while the puppet shouted “Put him on a flight to Rwanda,' to roars of laughter from the audience.

Jenrick's act was followed by a speech by the current Tory Party Chair, a red-velvet upholstered wing back which spoke of the need to restrict immigration and the way foreigners sometimes don’t integrate properly into British society.

Watching the speech live at Reform Party HQ (aka Wetherspoons in Thurrock), Richard Tice remarked to Nigel Farage, 'You said that without moving your lips.'