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Wicked Witch of the West faces backlash over disability defence

The former Flying Monkey Wrangler, Elphaba Thropp, is facing criticism from the Lollipop Guild and the Lullaby League after she appeared to link claims of misconduct she is facing to being green. She says , "Even Kermit admits it's not easy!".


Several dozen people have come forward to Newsbiscuit with allegations about Thropp, including her threatening to "use them as stuffing for a mattress and a beehive", both of which she denies.


In a statement this week the witch defended herself and also said she had recently been diagnosed with being green, but that The Wonderful Wizard of Oz had failed to "investigate my disability" or "protect me from what I now realise was a dangerous environment, namely a spooky castle surrounded by Winkie Guards".


Her friends say her condition means she can't wear underwear, and that this is "not ideal when you fly around riding on a broomstick". They add, " This is also partly to blame for her alleged inappropriate behaviour".


One Cowardly Lion told Newsbiscuit that being green is "not a free pass for bad behaviour, she's really mean". Other people. such as The Jolly Green Giant and The Incredible Hulk, live normal, fulfilling, useful lives without stigmatising the green community".


Dorothy, a spokesperson for Elphaba, tried to 'pour could water' on the situation, at which point the witch immediately melted away and disappeared.



Is the Chancellors Growth Plan just a blank sheet of paper?

The Chancellor's Growth Plan has been dramatically leaked from No. 11 Downing Street. The police have been brought in and are interviewing staff in a search for the source of the leak.


As revealed by a red top newspaper that we have decided not to name, The Growth Plan seems to be a sheet of lined paper ripped from a Poundland exercise book. At the top, the words 'My World Class Growth Plan' are written in crayon and heavily underlined.  There is a doodle of a spider and a spider's web, and another doodle of a heart with an arrow in it and the legend RR+KS.  But the page is otherwise completely blank.


The government says that the claim that the Growth Plan is a blank sheet of paper is demonstrably false, and spread by neo-right-wing bad actors, amplified by social media hacktivists. The government has not denied that the document is authentic.


The government has yet to deliver any growth.  Businesses are cutting staff, millionaires are leaving Britain, and high street stores are closing branches. Government borrowing continues to rise, and the IMF says it isn't upset with the UK, just very, very disappointed. So having a growth plan would seem to be quite important.


The government says that growth is all about confidence. The growth plan isn't a blank sheet. The plan is written in invisible ink to fool the paparazzi. The growth plan is real and good and very visible and easy to read if you iron the page. The plan says that inflation and rising costs and tariffs and recession and stagflation and poorly educated, and sick workers need not reduce business activity.  The plan shows that Britain can look forward to a rose-tinted future that is every bit as good as its rose-tinted past.


'It's all about creative destruction,' said a spokesman. 'In order to build a prosperous new economy, we have to clear out the old, failing businesses first.  We must get rid of the pound shops, and charity shops, and betting shops, and tattoo parlours, and scrap metal dealers, and bogus language schools, and crappy coffee shops, and dodgy barber shops, and convenience stores that are only used for money laundering.


'Then we have cleared the way for the high-tech electronics companies, the internet start-ups, the knowledge intensive businesses, the AI enabled lobbying companies, and the gigafactories, because they all sound really good.  These new businesses will deliver the growth, and they will make big profits, and they will pay lots of tax to the UK government.  And they definitely won't transfer profits offshore, or game the system, or decide to relocate overseas.  That's the plan, anyway.




Starmer Snap Election

Keir Starmer has denied confiding to NewsBiscuit's non-existent parliamentary correspondent that, in light of the way he and his government have been thorough fucked over by his own parliamentary party in the past few days, he has been contemplating holding a snap general election.


'We have learned the hard way that having a massive parliamentary majority does not protect us from suffering the humiliation of defeat when trying to pass legislation' he denied having said 'so we came to the conclusion that the only solution would be to hold a snap general election.'


'With any luck, this would result in us having a vastly reduced, wafer-thin majority in the House of Commons.  We now know that this wouldn't make it any harder to pass legislation, and would at least make parliamentary defeat far less humiliating.  However, if we got really lucky, we might even lose a general election, and be able to let some other bunch of ambitious but deluded tossers take over.'


'A good outcome, even if we know that these naïve idiots will spend their entire term of office blaming their immediate predecessors for everything that they screw up; we'll simply adopt the Tory policy (copying the Lib Dems) of simply turning ourselves invisible.'




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