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Torygraph: Useless Burnham starts by doing something we want


'For months, we have been saying that the proposed digital ID card is an outrageous threat to British people's liberties,' thunder the proprietors of the Daily Torygraph, Sid and Doris Forsythe-Bonkers, in the paper's editorial today.


'We at the Torygraph have also said we'd sooner do time than carry these hateful, socialist ID excrescences.


'Not only that, but we have also said the digital ID card scheme would be a criminal misuse of £1.8bn of taxpayers' money - not that we in the non-dom Forsythe-Bonkers household pay a penny of that.


'Now we hear that the very first decision our new so-called prime minister, Andy Burnham, has taken in government is to scrap the digital ID card scheme, saying it's a waste of money.


'This outrageous socialist, money-saving decision from the horrid, socialist, penny-pinching Andy Burnham must be opposed with every nerve and sinew that conservative Britain possesses.


'Which is why we, the true Angle-folk of the Daily Torygraph, demand the immediate reintroduction of the digital ID scheme and a doubling of the funds needed to roll it out.


'How dare that unpatroitic leftie Andy Burnham deprive Torygraph readers of their birthright: a true, British digital ID card!'




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Yes! You too can play Trump Middle East pinball


It's the new craze for deranged, octogenarian Americans which is proving even bigger than golf.


What you do is fire off missiles at Iran in a totally unprovoked attack in tandem with Benjamin 'I'm on trial for corruption' Netanyahu.


When it all comes back on you, you ping wildly from one desperate strategy to another, such as: blockading Iranian shipping; bombing the Iranian coastline; making a peace deal; promising Iran $300bn of someone else's money; lifting sanctions on Iranian oil; cancelling the peace deal; reimposing the sanctions; charging 20% tariffs on shipments leaving the Gulf; bombing Iran again and attacking international shipping.


'Anyone can play this game,' said a spokes-flipper for the Trump Corporation.


'All you have to do is be a sociopathic huckster who landed up in the world's most powerful post with hundreds of billions of dollars of weapons at your disposal, a massively inflated sense of your own abilities and zero knowledge of the Middle East.


'But you don't win any points in this game. Every move made in Trump Middle East pinball is completely pointless.'


Image: WixAI



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Andy Burnham to solve global crises by looking concerned


Andy Burnham has announced that, having successfully become involved in virtually every issue within fifty miles of Manchester, he is now ready to apply the same proven approach to the world's biggest problems.


Mr Burnham said decades of experience standing in front of television cameras near transport infrastructure had uniquely equipped him to resolve matters ranging from Middle East peace to quantum computing.


'When you've spent years saying that working people deserve better while standing beside a delayed tram, you develop transferable skills,' Burnham explained. 'People underestimate how often saying ‘This just isn't good enough' in a concerned voice can fundamentally alter reality.'


Supporters insist Burnham's success comes from an instinctive understanding of ordinary people.


'He's authentic,' said one admirer. 'If a volcano erupted in Iceland he'd be there within hours in a branded waterproof saying, ‘This isn't the future the people of Manchester deserve.''


Government officials confirmed Burnham had already offered practical assistance with several major international challenges.


'He proposed fixing the global economy by announcing a 'listening exercise',' one civil servant said. 'His plan for artificial intelligence appears to involve insisting that any superintelligence should be ‘held to account'.'


Sources say Burnham's crisis-management strategy follows a simple three-stage process.


First, arrive quickly.


Second, express solidarity with hardworking families.


Third, promise that lessons will be learned.


'If events continue after that,' admitted one aide, 'that's generally someone else's responsibility.'


The United Nations has reportedly expressed cautious interest in Burnham's methods after learning he once reduced commuter frustration by giving several exceptionally sympathetic interviews to BBC North West Tonight.


Diplomats remain divided.


Some argue that generations of geopolitical conflict cannot realistically be solved through regional radio interviews and optimistic slogans.


Others point out that nobody had previously tried appointing a man whose principal qualification is looking extremely disappointed while wearing a high-vis vest outside Manchester Piccadilly.


Burnham himself dismissed the criticism.


'Look,' he said, jogging purposefully towards a waiting camera crew, 'the important thing is to be seen running in the general direction of the problem.'


Image: WixAI



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