I'd have got a great peace deal, says Trump at cage fight

'I don't blame my minions for failing to reach a deal in Islama-ma-ma-bad,' slurred President Trump from the centre of a psychotic crowd at a UFC cage fighting arena in Dimwit, Kentucky.

'Vance, Witkoff and Jared simply don't have my peaceful instincts and finely-tuned negotiating skills - like demanding things and then shouting threats when I'm denied them.

'I would have been there at the talks myself to pull off the world's greatest ever peace deal like you wouldn't believe, but I had to be here watching UFC bouts for an entire evening with thousands of other blood-thirsty morons.

'Besides, I couldn't go for religious reasons. They tell me they don't allow pigs in Pakistan, and I'm a total pig.'

Image: Daniel Lloyd Blunk-Fernández (@blunkorama) | Unsplash Photo Community

BBC 'Gay Refugee' probe sparks political arms race as parties unveil rival orientation audits

WESTMINSTER — Britain's political class has descended into a full-blown 'orientation emergency' after a BBC report revealed record numbers of asylum seekers allegedly posing as gay to secure residency. The story, instantly dubbed 'clickbait crack cocaine' by commentators, has sent every party scrambling to outdo the others with ever more deranged solutions.

Labour: The Double-Pivot

Labour initially promised a 'Mandatory Gay Test' by Monday morning. After internal consultation they added a 'Baseline Straight Test' for fairness, before settling on a 'National Conversation About Whether Testing Is Even Appropriate.' The policy has now been paused pending a full environmental impact assessment of the rainbow ink required for the forms.

The Conservatives: The 'Camaraderie' Clause

The Conservatives defended their 'Traditional Values Audit,' insisting the tests would be 'physically rigorous' but would include a 'Boarding School Exemption.'

'One must distinguish between orientation and heritage,' a spokesperson explained from a wood-panelled library. 'A bit of high-spirited fun with one's roommates at Eton or Harrow does not a sailor make. It is simply a form of 'Advanced Camaraderie' entirely compatible with a heterosexual voting record. We are looking for irregular migrants, not recreational alumni.

The Liberal Democrats: The Orange Fleece Approach

The Liberal Democrats dismissed the audits as redundant. A spokesperson in a bright orange fleece and clutching a reusable coffee cup declared that formal testing was a waste of taxpayers' money because 'everyone is a bit gay really, aren't they?' They are instead proposing a National Hug Registry and a mandatory 10% discount on quiche for anyone willing to sign a 'Vibe Agreement.'

Reform UK: The 'Gayland' Protocol

Reform UK took the most radical stance, announcing an immediate 'repatriation' system for anyone failing their audit.

'We plan to send them all back to Gayland,' said a candidate standing in front of a Union Jack. When asked to locate Gayland on an official map, he pointed first at Brighton, then at a small island in the South Pacific, before declaring the map itself 'woke' and biased toward the Mercator projection.

The Green Party: Net-Zero Orientation

The Green Party demanded that any testing be 'environmentally sustainable.' They will only accept 'solar-powered gay people' and are calling for a mandatory 'Transition to Wind' for anyone whose identity requires high-intensity carbon emissions or non-renewable lifestyles.

The international community has watched the developments with increasing bewilderment. Asked for comment, US Vice President JD Vance offered a succinct geopolitical assessment before exiting the stage: 'The United Kingdom has officially become the first entirely gay country with nuclear weapons.'

Image: WixAI

Trump to clear Strait of Hormuz with his mouth

Donald Trump will personally clear the Strait of Hormuz using only his enormous mouth, White House sources have confirmed today. The mouth, believed to be one of the largest natural phenomena in the western hemisphere, will swallow the Iranian navy and revolutionary guard bases whole, while he simultaneously refills the troubled sea lane with salty crocodile tears for the victims of US missiles.

'I don't need any help' clarified the President on social media, in a follow up to his previous message 'help me you bastards'. 'My mouth is bigger than Iran. You can see it from space, that's why we sent Artemis up, to check, and the crew tell me it's true, they're good people.

'It's big enough to fit Bill Clinton's sax. And loads of his jazz.'

UK government spokespeople have hurried to confirm that the Royal Navy will not be involved in Mr Trump's operation, due to the danger of billions of gallons of his corrosive spittle and bile corroding warships that have only just been painted and waxed. That, and the risk of being crushed by his foot, which is sure to soon follow wherever his mouth goes.

Image: WixAI