Comparison site to help Labour MPs

The comparison site U-Compare-Supermarket-Switch.com is to help Labour MPs to choose a new leader.

MPs can simply enter a few details and can quickly find out what kind of leader might suit them, ranked according to popularity, red wall appeal, alignment with manifesto commitments, left/right/centre appeal, northern appeal, opinion poll results and the availability of a courtesy car in case of a breakdown.

MPs will need to say when they expect to change leader, as the advice is time-critical.  Some options that may be available in the longer term aren’t an option if a new leader is needed very quickly.

Labour MPs will earn a disloyalty bonus if they choose a new leader through the site.  This could be a cuddly Wes Streeting toy, free tax advice from Angela Rayner, or simply a friendly wave from Andy Burnham.

Image credit: Wix AI

Vox pops from Makerfield

Our question: Do you think Andy Burnham will win the Makerfield seat?

The responses:

'Who? Which seat? Are you one of those BBC bastards who ought to be telling us how much Farage has had in corrupt donations this week; and why ain’t you telling us why he ain’t had his collar felt yet?'

'Andy Burnham? My mum loves him and has had a crush on him ever since he was in Oasis.'

'I think Andy Burnham would make a good MP for Makerfield, but I can’t understand how he can fit that in, if he’s flying round the world talking to Trump, Macron and Carney.'

'An election? Not anovvvvvver one!'

'Makerfield? You’re having a laugh, aincher? Nowt’s been made here since they pulled t’mill down and turned it into a field. When I grew up, this were all dark satanic mills… Those were t’days.

Image credit: Wix AI

'Outside pissing in' and 'inside pissing out' both unacceptable, confirm tents

Tents everywhere have confirmed that people being outside pissing into them, and inside them pissing out, are both really not very good outcomes for them at all. 

'With speculation about potential challenges to Keir Starmer's leadership of the Labour Party over the last few days, people keep asking: 'is it better to be outside the tent pissing in, or inside the tent pissing out?', said a light-blue and grey 6-berth Berghaus tent from its regular storage place in its owner's loft.

'Well, let me tell you, both are f*%king unacceptable,' shouted the Berghaus tent angrily.   

'Have you ANY idea what it feels like to have a stream of warm, cidery-smelling urine cascading onto you at 3 in the morning, when someone cannot be arsed to go the toilet block?', continued the indignant Berghaus tent.

'Getting splashback on your inner or outer canvas are just as bad as each other, I have to be honest. It's still piss. It takes ages to dry, and the long-term staining is undignified and demeaning for any tent. 

'From a practical point of view, I have to raise a genuine question', concluded the Berghaus. 'Andy Burnham or Wes Streeting? Okay, unpleasant as it is, I can visualise them both pissing inwards, slightly left-of- centre or right-of-centre, probably while they robotically recite pledges about what they'd do better than Starmer when they're leader.'  

'But what about Angela Rayner? Is she outside, or inside the tent? And how exactly is she going to direct her harder-left stream of urine outwards or inwards? Maybe she'll be perched on a ladder or something?

'And if Keir Starmer were to stand himself, presumably, he'd just piss all over himself.' 

Image credit: Wix AI