"As the Islamic Republic of Iran," said a spokes-mullah for the regime, "our one purpose is to do God's will on Earth.
"That's why, when He said 'Oh My people, wreck all those fridge cabinets in French supermarkets and give everyone listeria and what have you', we instantly obeyed.
"I guess it's all part of His divine plan to make France the land flowing with sour milk and honey. God knows why He made us sabotage freezer cabinets. We're just obeying orders."
Taking full blame for the Mid-Term losses, the President said he would transcend human form – and that “sorry” was too small a word for what he was. He also forgave the Democrats, concluding that their dislike of him was simply the universe struggling to understand itself.
Speaking from the Mount, Trump became so profoundly self-aware that every criticism of him was instantly answered with: “Yes. That too is me”. A spokeswoman said he intends to relinquish his ego completely, dissolving into light, atoms, trees, oceans and distant galaxies, ‘He will achieve a total union with existence itself. He’s genuinely the centre of the universe, and technically everybody else must also be him.’
Mr Trump admitted it had been his fault for the wars and economic chaos and that Fake News was Fake. The spokeswoman confirmed, ‘If you spend long enough staring into a mirror you will pass through vanity entirely and emerge out the other side as pure consciousness. Mr. Trump is nothing, possibly the greatest nothing there has ever been.’
'I can't understand why TV schedulers will only be transmitting our movie at 2 am,' said a spokesmouse for the Walt Disn'tney Corporation, 'because it's a heart-warming love story for the 2020s.
'You have the First Lady, Melania, who's a high-class, nose-in-the-air, top model pedigree bitch. The Trump is a no-class, lying, cheating, lowlife, flea-ridden, backstreet mutt. The Trump offers the First Lady (kennel name: Eva Braun) a fortune to marry him and make him seem somehow decent. She fails, but makes a huge load of dosh out of him anyway.
'Watch out for those loveable terrors Stephen Miller and Peter Hegseth slinking through the White House and singing their famous duet: "We are vile and sleazy, if you please-ee".'
Film classification: Gruesome X-rated Horror.
Newsbiscuit verdict: Don't take the kids.
