Trump: I am James Bond

With the revelation that Trump was a CIA asset, he now claims to be a MI6 agent operating at the highest level.

'The President grabbed Octopussy, for sure,' said an aide, and Gold Finger was definitely him. Not sure about the discoloured smudge on his hand, though. That might just be sh!t.

'He disagrees with Diamonds being forever, his preference is for Crypto. And obviously Scaramanga is a code word for Epstein. Three nipples, yes, but two belonged to an underage girl who the President saved. For later,' he added.

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Melania rounded up by ICE agents

In a surprise move, ICE agents have raided President Trump’s compound in Mar-a-Lago and led away his third wife Melania in handcuffs.

'A common way illegals try to stay in this country is through fake marriages,' explained new ICE recruit Dean Cain, best known for having played Superman on TV in the 90s. 'We’re pretty sure that’s what’s going on here.

'I’ve watched a lot of footage of them together, and I can’t see any evidence they feel anything for each other. It’s nearly as unconvincing as when Teri Hatcher had to pretend to be interested in me.

'We have evidence of numerous affairs on the husband’s part, not to mention his visits to Epstein Island, and God knows what went on there. And by God, I mean the Justice Department, though obviously you didn’t hear that from me - officially there’s not enough evidence to prove anything.'

Melania herself didn’t seem averse to being deported - indeed she surprised agents by having a suitcase already packed. 

'Oh no,' she told them, 'you mean I’ll be sent home and never see him again? And just when my monthly conjugal obligations were coming up. Just my luck.'

'Frankly we’re also interested in the husband,' continued Officer Cain. 'We know his family’s originally from Germany, though at some point they changed their name from Drumpf to put us off the scent. So we’re gonna be looking into…

At this point he was led away by his supervisor, who was then overheard saying to him, 'Come on Cain, it’s just blacks and Hispanics - do I have to spell everything out for you?'

Image credit: perchance.org

Trump throws a sickie

The White House has published a note, apparently written by the President's mum, keeping Trump off work for another day.

'Donald has a poorly tum and his bone spurs are playing up,' says the note.  'Plus, some naughty boys in the press corps keep shouting names at him.  Names like Epstein and Andrew.'

The note concludes that 'Donald will be back at work once a full pardon is announced.'

Image credit: perchance.org