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Trump: Duh! Of course my birthday celebrations were vulgar


"They called the UFC bout at the White House a tacky, shameful desecration of an historic site," said a spokes-savage for President Trump.


"The President's saying: Duh! Of course it was. Why are you not getting this? For eight decades, New York's top rank branded Mr Trump a small-fingered vulgarian with the speaking voice of a sewage worker and the interior decor tastes of a brothel owner. The only fellow billionaire who was ever happy to be seen with him was Jeffrey Epstein.


"Now that Trump's president, he can flaunt all his no-class, plebian crassness right there at the very centre of American power knowing there's not a damned thing New York's smart set can do about it, apart from tut.


At press time, President Trump was launching a fundraiser to turn the Lincoln Bedroom into a massage parlour offering happy endings and the Resolute Desk into a hotdog stand.




Starmer to ban social media for the over 60s


In a bold move today, Keir Starmer will announce age checks on social media to protect older voters from radicalisation.


‘Social media is a hellhole’, a spokesman told us. ‘Flags, memes, outright lies – old people aren’t properly prepared. They tend to believe any rubbish if it’s in print. Twitter is like the Daily Mail on steroids’.


Over 60s will need permission from their children or two medical professionals to own a smartphone. The Government will issue Nokia 8850s from official stockpiles for emergency use and also to get rid of the stockpile. Bad procurement decision in the 90s.


We asked some over 60s what they thought of the proposals. Comments included ‘It’s Sharia Law, innit, they’re gonna make all the women wear burkas’, ‘I blame the darkies’ and ‘Chemtrails’, which seem to justify the decision.


The move has been condemned by the Russian Embassy, which accused Starmer of being a ‘spoilsport’.




Kids internet ban resurfaces three rings


With the government hell-bent on stopping under sixteen year old children accessing the internet, children are pointing out they use their apps to monitor their friends have returned home safely.


'Apparently I'll need to use my minutes or text allowance to check if Billy got home ok,' said Jimmy, aged eight, 'and I need that to ensure I can call my mum if I'm stuck. So I'm going to use something I found on the internet - apparently people used to dial friends and hang up after three rings. With caller ID that should work and will be free,' he added.


Phone companies are looking into whether they can monetise this, as providing safety for kids isn't on the corporate dashboard.




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