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With right-wing parties popping up like nobody's business, pollsters are struggling to keep up with the likelihood of any given party garnering enough votes to win a constituency.


'Some of these parties don't have a proper structure in place, for example to depose the leader,' said a leading pollster without indicating whether he thought that was good or bad.  'Most do seem to have secured a decent funding line - from Russia, from Musk - before restricting themselves to donation rules that only fully apply to political parties registered with the electoral commission,' he noted, agreeing that time was running short for them to get registered, recruit sufficient party faithful, vet candidates and print leaflets.


'May isn't that far away,' he noted, speculating that the vetting could be done after the event, 'it seems to work for Reform', he said, adding, 'if it all goes wrong they can just trouser the money they've siphoned from Russia and Musk,' pointing out, 'that also seems to work for Reform.'



In a break from tradition His Majesty’s loyal Opposition now has 3,210 Chancellors of the Exchequer, 2,348 Home Secretaries and more than 1,000 Education Ministers. The move comes after Reform, on 1.2% of MPs, decided to create their own Shadow Cabinet out of mechanically recovered meat products such as Robert Jenrick.


Stacey Williams is a hairdresser from Swindon, and also one of 934 Shadow Secretaries of State for Culture, Media and Sport. ‘It just seemed like a laugh. I know I’m not an MP, but neither is Zia Yusuf, so . . . . why not me?’


Ordinary people have become shadow ministers by, erm, well, just deciding, really. Rather like Reform. ‘If you wish for something, close your eyes and really, really, wish . . . . maybe that wish will come true’ said Stacey. ‘Just don’t wish for anything real, like money or a better job. Imaginary stuff like being the Shadow Minister for Whatever, that should be fine’.


Not everybody can be a shadow minister. There are some standards. Lee Anderson, once a senior figure in Reform, now has the job of taking everybody’s coffee and sandwich order. If he does well there’s talk of getting him a uniform, and maybe a bike with one of those insulated bags. If Reform manage to bag another hundred ex-Tories he might have to go back down’t’pit.


We can’t wait.




Spy comedy writer Mick Herron is rumoured* to be considering legal action after discovering that Reform is really just Slough House for Tories.


Slough House is Herron’s fictional home for failed spies, the MI5 dumping ground where washouts (aka Slow Horses) are banished to spend their days in pointless tasks, ruled over by an obnoxious, foul-mouthed chain-smoking tramp with Russian connections.


‘Reform is uncannily similar’, a fan told us. ‘If you’re not good enough to be a Conservative MP – hardly the highest of bars – they send you to Reform where you’re forced to criticise your own actions from a few days earlier. Pretty humiliating’.


On the plus side, Slow Horses has quite a high bodycount.


*By ‘rumoured’ we mean ‘somebody, somewhere, might have said this’. Obvs.



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