Piers Turner, a City of London investment banker, has hit out at claims that he is being taken advantage of during his regular visits to a local lap-dancing club and insists that he finds the experience ‘empowering’.

‘I know that in our modern, post-feminist world, the professional women that work in these clubs sometimes worry that they’re exploiting the clientèle,’ explained the 42-year-old father of three, ‘But frankly, I’m fat and ugly as sin, and for a tenner I can get a 19-year-old living Barbie doll to wobble her astoundingly pert bottom in my face. It makes me feel sexy and confident.’

Swedish furniture giant IKEA claims to have drastically reduced the cost of a family funeral with it’s new self-assembly plywood coffin. The flatpack coffin comes in twelve ‘easy-to-assemble’ parts and can be put together ‘in under an hour’ by grieving relatives.