The UK will set aside £5bn on drones to determine if a ball has crossed the line, with the precision normally reserved for missile trajectories. Predator drones will hover over the pitch to confirm whether a striker’s toe is existentially offside. And instead of slow-motion replay, you will get a 3D battlefield reconstruction narrated by someone deeply serious, probably Jeremy Bowen. An MOD spokesman explained, 'It's about priorities and, let's face it, we all prefer footba

.

Guardians of Tory Propriety and Masters of Ceremonial Sleaze, including Mark Garnier, Stephen Crabb and Damian Green, have not at all downplayed Christopher Pincher’s drunken groping of two men on Wednesday night as a 'minor infraction of social intercourse etiquette'. Garnier, also known as Mixmaster Sugartits, did not in any way confirm: ‘As laid down in the 'Party? PartAAAY!' constitution by Sir Craigwell Davidston, 3rd Viscount of Southampton and whipper-in with the Hamps

Scientists studying anthropogenic climate change say they now have incontrovertible evidence proving the truth of the theory - the sun has come out in Aberdeen. 'When it’s 40 degrees in London and the South East, there’ll always be people saying it’s just a heatwave, doesn’t prove anything. ”But when the sun comes out in Aberdeen, you know you’ve reached a point where our traditional understanding of climate is broken, and we’re in uncharted territory.' Reports say the native

Those readers who aren't hip to their jive may find help understanding what they are blethering on about with these translatorficators: anythingtranslate.com/translators/gen-z-translator/ anythingtranslate.com/translators/gen-x-translator/ Aries Bruh, you’re getting delulu. You need to touch grass pronto. Taurus Sis, your new amore gives everyone the icks. They need to take several seats. IYKWIM Gemini Dude, you’ll be slaying it this month. You’re the main character for sure.

.

.

Following his charitable visit last week serving popcorn to students in a Milton Keynes Odeon, Keir Starmer has announced he will be setting up his own popcorn stand in the corner of the Labour Party’s upcoming leadership election. ‘He really got into the swing of it, scooping it into bags and adding toppings,’ said the Downing Street Press Secretary. ‘He said it felt like the first time in two years he was doing something that mattered. So he has decided that he will cont

Deskpilot has pulled it off again - ooh er missus - but jeremynh, new writer cliveosman and veteran in more ways than one, Titus have also had a great month. Sully and ChrisF have both had a good run. Congrats to everyone who got published, but also thanks to anyone who pitched but didn't get selected - keep at it. As usual, below the leaderboard is the fulll list of published subs, followed by the winner of the cartoon of the month, followed by every headline published this

.

The much vaunted 'No 10 North', from which likely Prime Minister Andy Burnham hopes to rebalance power across the country, turns out to be the familiar house lived in by the beloved characters Wallace and Gromit. Every morning, Burnham will be tipped out of bed and straight into his clothes, while his Deputy Prime Minister puts the kettle on and activates the “toastomatic” for their breakfast. Burnham will then leave the house in a van painted with the slogan 'Power devolved

.

.

.

Boris Johnson is "powerfully attracted" to the idea of Vladimir Putin as a woman, an aide to the UK Prime Minister suggested today. 'Forget Ukraine, I'd be invading Vladimira! he was reputed to have muttered, applying a blonde wig filter to news photos of the Russian President on his phone while waiting to speak at a press conference at the NATO summit in Madrid. 'Boris was complaining that there aren't enough women at these summits,' said the aide, 'especially after the prim

Mr A. God has said that contradictory prayers from football supporters are making his life very difficult. 'I'm getting requests for victories from all sides - England, Germany, Senegal, the lot. And some very specific prayers for things like a final score of England 9, DR Congo 1, or for Kane to score in the ninetieth minute. I don't know what that's all about. 'I'm even being asked to help get Scotland back into the last 32. I mean I'm not a miracle worker. No, wait...'