Clive Hills’ return from the dead as a brain-eating zombie was slightly hampered last night after he discovered that several vital organs, including his corneas, were missing. ‘I’m kicking myself to be honest.’ said Mr Hill, ‘Being one of the walking un-dead is a challenge I’m willing to step up to. But being un-dead and blind takes me right out of the game. The bottom line is, thanks to the organ donor register, I just can’t keep up with other zombies.’

High-street fast-food retailer McDonalds today launched a new range of fat patches for people who can’t be bothered to walk all the way to their local restaurant. The new patches release 100% saturated fats and additives, and allow the wearer to enjoy the complete McDonalds experience without leaving the comfort of their armchair or hoist.