International Rescue, commonly known as Thunderbirds, has announced that they have been forced to limit their world-saving activities due to soaring fuel costs. ‘Given that rocket fuel and petrol prices are hitting $120 per barrel, we are having to limit rescue missions by only sending one Thunderbird craft at a time and using public transport for non-emergency missions,’ admitted Scott Tracy.

The one million year extended warranty that covers Planet Earth in the event of loss or breakages will not be honoured it was revealed today. Man has apparently broken the terms of the agreement on seventeen separate points, including ‘inappropriate misuse’, ‘over-exposure to sunlight’ and more imminently ‘immersing in water’.