MPs have lined up to express their anguish and anger over the fact that Sir Keir Starmer didn’t have a secret life. A recently elected representative (who wished only to be known as ‘AB’) said, 'I am deeply upset that someone who claimed to be a leader was not a serial womaniser or embezzler. I mean he didn’t have numerous affairs or parked an illegitimately gained motorhome outside number 11. 'We knew when we elected him that he seemingly didn’t have a dodgy past, had a goo

Following the commitment of £1bn of equipment from the breakaway rebel Southern British government in Westminster, the established mainstream government in the Democratic People's Republic of Caledonia has promised to provide complementary aid and weapons to Ukraine. A spokesman for President Sturgeon announced the details at a press conference: 'See, all this stuff from the Johnson-led gorillas? it's all medium or long range, ye ken? It's all missiles 'n rockets 'n 'things,

'My Great State Fair was meant to be the centrepiece of America's 250 years of independence,' whined US Crybaby-in-Chief Donald Trump. 'It was organised by Freedom 250, a company set up by me - a businessman who has spent his entire life bilking ordinary Americans like sub-contractors out of their money. 'So why on earth didn't the whole population come to Washington to get ripped off at the my Great State Unfair's overpriced hot-dog and soda stands?' asked an irate Trump. 'M

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Beloved children’s icon Paddington Bear stands accused of decades of marmalade-fuelled impropriety, in what the tabloids have dubbed ‘Paddingtongate - The Sticky Paws Affair.’ Once seen as the epitome of politeness and immigrant success stories, it has emerged that Paddington was less ‘charming foreign bear’ and more ‘sinister sandwich-pusher’. Several women have come forward describing incidents where Paddington cornered them under the pretence of offering them a marmalade

The UK will set aside £5bn on drones to determine if a ball has crossed the line, with the precision normally reserved for missile trajectories. Predator drones will hover over the pitch to confirm whether a striker’s toe is existentially offside. And instead of slow-motion replay, you will get a 3D battlefield reconstruction narrated by someone deeply serious, probably Jeremy Bowen. An MOD spokesman explained, 'It's about priorities and, let's face it, we all prefer footba

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Guardians of Tory Propriety and Masters of Ceremonial Sleaze, including Mark Garnier, Stephen Crabb and Damian Green, have not at all downplayed Christopher Pincher’s drunken groping of two men on Wednesday night as a 'minor infraction of social intercourse etiquette'. Garnier, also known as Mixmaster Sugartits, did not in any way confirm: ‘As laid down in the 'Party? PartAAAY!' constitution by Sir Craigwell Davidston, 3rd Viscount of Southampton and whipper-in with the Hamps

Scientists studying anthropogenic climate change say they now have incontrovertible evidence proving the truth of the theory - the sun has come out in Aberdeen. 'When it’s 40 degrees in London and the South East, there’ll always be people saying it’s just a heatwave, doesn’t prove anything. ”But when the sun comes out in Aberdeen, you know you’ve reached a point where our traditional understanding of climate is broken, and we’re in uncharted territory.' Reports say the native

Those readers who aren't hip to their jive may find help understanding what they are blethering on about with these translatorficators: anythingtranslate.com/translators/gen-z-translator/ anythingtranslate.com/translators/gen-x-translator/ Aries Bruh, you’re getting delulu. You need to touch grass pronto. Taurus Sis, your new amore gives everyone the icks. They need to take several seats. IYKWIM Gemini Dude, you’ll be slaying it this month. You’re the main character for sure.

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Following his charitable visit last week serving popcorn to students in a Milton Keynes Odeon, Keir Starmer has announced he will be setting up his own popcorn stand in the corner of the Labour Party’s upcoming leadership election. ‘He really got into the swing of it, scooping it into bags and adding toppings,’ said the Downing Street Press Secretary. ‘He said it felt like the first time in two years he was doing something that mattered. So he has decided that he will cont

Deskpilot has pulled it off again - ooh er missus - but jeremynh, new writer cliveosman and veteran in more ways than one, Titus have also had a great month. Sully and ChrisF have both had a good run. Congrats to everyone who got published, but also thanks to anyone who pitched but didn't get selected - keep at it. As usual, below the leaderboard is the fulll list of published subs, followed by the winner of the cartoon of the month, followed by every headline published this