"As the Islamic Republic of Iran," said a spokes-mullah for the regime, "our one purpose is to do God's will on Earth. "That's why, when He said 'Oh My people, wreck all those fridge cabinets in French supermarkets and give everyone listeria and what have you', we instantly obeyed. "I guess it's all part of His divine plan to make France the land flowing with sour milk and honey. God knows why He made us sabotage freezer cabinets. We're just obeying orders." https://pixabay.c

"There aren't many farmers around any more to buy our Land Rovers," said a spokes-gasket for the Jaguar Land Rover Group. "And the UK has no longer has an army which will buy them. "So we're going to scrap production of these iconic, rugged all-terrain vehicles and bring out something much more suited to motorists in modern, suburban Britain who live in identikit houses with identikit families and have identikit stuff to say. We call it the Bland Rover. "You'll be safe behind

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The prime minister’s office has announced that from tomorrow he will publicly state the sentence “Britain is not a ______ country”, any time, for a fee. The fee will depend on what word or phrase is selected to fill in the blank. The options are: “French” - 20 pounds “wobbly” - 25 pounds “real” - 30 pounds “square” - 40 pounds “Welsh” - 50 pounds “sausage shaped” - 100 pounds “hairy” - 250 pounds “very good” - 500 pounds “disease ridden” 750 pounds “cheese filled” - 1000 poun

The entertainment industry has been rocked by another scandal that has left a well-known predator accused of being a predator. Mr Lion, 43, is alleged to have targeted young and vulnerable animals who were defenceless. 'Well, I first saw him from across the watering hole,' said Miss Antelope, 15 (not her real name), 'and something about his stare warned me to be wary. The next thing I know he's trying to pounce on me and pin me down. 'I managed to escape his grasp, but I know

With the lifting of the injunction, the UK now knows it doesn't have to speculate about who is under suspicion. 'I never expected it to be the celebrity with all the ghost written books,' said Sam (46). His friends asked him to narrow down the list. 'I said to my wife, Cindy, it was the creepy one off Britain's Got Talent,' said Graham (38). Cindy asked, 'which one?' Harry is certain he knew who to suspect long before the injunction was lifted. 'It was the unfunny one from

Lurching from one crisis to another, the Man Utd board insisted that this time they had got their man – which was coincidently something the Metropolitan Police might have said. Walliams maybe inexperienced in terms of coaching but is an expert on grooming. Previous appointments had been based entirely on vibes and motivational LinkedIn posts. Out of desperation Man Utd almost turned to the club mascot – as he had the highest win percentage of anyone currently employed by the

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Our new film club is a big success, and we’ve used your feedback to put together a new programme of films for November. We hope that you enjoy them. We always sweep up a lot of biscuit crumbs after each film and we have no idea what to do with them. Please let us have your suggestions. In the meantime, why not enjoy one of our home-made flapjacks from the concession stand? This month the film club is showing: Paint Your Wagon Wheel Fight Club The Bourbon Supremacy Jurassic

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Are you an impoverished Tory MP looking to top up your measly £82,000 annual salary? Frustrated by the lack of opportunities to offer your expert insight on the gambling, tobacco and health sectors to companies in the...er...gambling, tobacco and health sectors? Are you able to suggest a daily consultancy rate of at least £2,000 a day for supposedly just attending a board meeting, whilst keeping a straight face at all times? Then come and register with jobsfortheboys.com, the

LONDON - A media spokesman has apologised wholeheartedly for the recent scandal where a beloved TV presenter has been found to have coerced unwilling viewers into compromising positions against their wills. Speaking at a hastily arranged press conference, communications director Gareth Loam, 54, said the organisation was “deeply, sincerely sorry” to survivors, whistleblowers, loyal staff, advertisers, and “anyone else who has been harmed, ignored, enabled, or accidentally cop

Collins English Dictionary selected the word ‘Mogging’, for its word of the year. ‘Mogging’, a word used playfully to mean outshining, outperforming or upstaging someone, is thought to originate from when Andy Burnham took over from Keir Starmer as Prime Minister. A runner-up to last year’s Collins word of the year was biohacking, whereas a contender for next year’s word of the year is freezer-hacking. Other definitions that made the dictionary's 10-strong shortlist this year