Online whingeing forum Mumsnet is believed to have joined the nuclear powers after developing its own atomic bomb. ‘Obvs we’d prefer a hydrogen bomb’, a spokesmum said.

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Watching men in great physical shape run around doing the footballing for five and a half weeks has led to an increase in viewers' snacking across the participating nations.

Following on from the success story that was Boris Johnson, the two people most likely to succeed him have borrowed his campaigning skills by hiding, presumably in a fridge. 'You can't blame me,' Mr Sunak is understood to have told someone who wasn't a TV interviewer, 'It's very hot outside, and hotter under scrutiny.' Ms Truss is believed to be very concerned about cheese and didn't actually know why she was there, anyway, which suggests business as usual. Woman Fridge Ref

'For months, we have been saying that the proposed digital ID card is an outrageous threat to British people's liberties,' thunder the proprietors of the Daily Torygraph, Sid and Doris Forsythe-Bonkers, in the paper's editorial today.

It's the new craze for deranged, octogenarian Americans which is proving even bigger than golf. 'Anyone can play this game,' said a spokes-flipper for the Trump Corporation.

writer: robfalconer

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Thousands of fat, middle-aged, white racists are devastated that following the conclusion of England's World Cup campaign, their England flags will either have to come down, or they'll have to admit they're racists.

Following a winter of storm warnings and a summer of heat wave alerts, the Met Office has today announced a series of warnings of "depressingly underwhelming" weather covering the entire rest of the year. Apart from a few more furnace-like heat waves, most of the summer is classed as "fair to middling". The autumn is forecast to be " dull, damp and slightly dismal", and the winter "tediously cold, but then again not that bad". "Brits run the risk of running out of weather wor

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Andy Burnham has announced that, having successfully become involved in virtually every issue within fifty miles of Manchester, he is now ready to apply the same proven approach to the world's biggest problems.

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The emergency services were called to the Escher exhibition at Somerset House on London’s Embankment this week to free a family from Guilford who had become trapped in the staircase leading from the ground-floor up to what they thought was the first floor, only it turned out to be the ground-floor again which led – how can it? – back down but also up to the ground-floor again where they found themselves going down and also up – again! – to the basement? oh this is hopeless, M