To enter the competition sign up to our Writer's Room - and add your entry here https://newsbiscuit.proboards.com/board/5/caption-competition The closing date will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

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The comparison site U-Compare-Supermarket-Switch.com is to help Labour MPs to choose a new leader. MPs can simply enter a few details and can quickly find out what kind of leader might suit them, ranked according to popularity, red wall appeal, alignment with manifesto commitments, left/right/centre appeal, northern appeal, opinion poll results and the availability of a courtesy car in case of a breakdown. MPs will need to say when they expect to change leader, as the advice

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Our question: Do you think Andy Burnham will win the Makerfield seat? The responses: 'Who? Which seat? Are you one of those BBC bastards who ought to be telling us how much Farage has had in corrupt donations this week; and why ain’t you telling us why he ain’t had his collar felt yet?' 'Andy Burnham? My mum loves him and has had a crush on him ever since he was in Oasis.' 'I think Andy Burnham would make a good MP for Makerfield, but I can’t understand how he can fit tha

Office lothario Henry Evans has discovered a foolproof technique for appreciating the beauty of female co-workers without prompting a call from HR. "The method is so simple, I'm surprised no-one has thought of it before," Henry tells us. "You want to start by maintaining eye-contact. This gives the impression that you're sincerely listening to what she has to say. Then, mid-way through the conversation, you just drop your gaze into her cleavage. It's all about timing. You don

Tents everywhere have confirmed that people being outside pissing into them, and inside them pissing out, are both really not very good outcomes for them at all. 'With speculation about potential challenges to Keir Starmer's leadership of the Labour Party over the last few days, people keep asking: 'is it better to be outside the tent pissing in, or inside the tent pissing out?', said a light-blue and grey 6-berth Berghaus tent from its regular storage place in its owner's l

The Parliamentary Standards Committee is investigating the gift of five million pounds to Nigel Farage, before he became an MP. ‘We want to see the card,’ said a pale functionary. ‘In our view, the nature of the card, and the sentiments expressed in it, are critical to determining if the gift was personal or tantamount to a political donation. ‘For example, if the card says ‘Happy Birthday Nige! I’ve transferred some birthday money into your Swiss account – go wild!’, then

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The well-preserved centenarian puts his longevity down to feasting on and injecting exotic animals. His spokeswoman admitted, 'David has been fortunate to visit many endangered species, while having access to some of the best seasoning the BBC can pay for.' Who can forget his shows— Planet à la Carte, Life on a Plate or The Living Pantry. In the Blue Planet he explored today’s catch at a very reasonable price, with a side order of The Private Life of Prawns. And in Frozen P

A clergy cruelty campaign group has won a major concession from the Church of England after years of lobbying. Their campaign centered around the danger of strangulation from a dog collar compared to the far less harmful restraint from wearing a harness. The campaign followed the sad death from strangulation of Rev Matthew Hoddell who when escaping naked from a family home after the wife returned home earlier than expected, scaled the 8’ garden fence and may have escaped unno