This morning it was revealed in secret papers obtained under the Freedom of Information act, that the United Kingdom came within 45 minutes of a full all out nuclear strike on Barbara Windsor.

The actress (69) had set off a chain reaction that was only stopped just in time. Polaris submarines, Tornado jets and ground troops were stood down to Defcon 3 when the error was realised.

It seems that the mistake occurred when Tony Blair was chairing a COBRA meeting in the war room underneath the Home Office. During a break in the meeting someone turned on the TV and the film Carry On Camping was been shown. At the moment Barbara was exercising and her bikini top came flying off, a mistimed imitation of Sid James by Tony Blair; a partially deaf trigger happy General, misheard the Prime Minister say "Barbara Windsor, pwhoar!" and set events in motion.

At a packed press conference, an apology by the Prime Minister to the actress was accepted, when he personally gave her flowers and chocolates . When Tony offered Barbara a glass of water before she spoke to the press, she didn't realise her microphone was on and was overheard saying "Have you got a large one?" to which Tony replied "No, well Cherie does says 'it's not the size that matters but how you use it' ". A few minutes later a shocked Barbara Windsor came around after a doctor used smelling salts.