Years of debate were finally settled Tuesday after a damning 200 page report from Home Office department, the UK Border Agency, revealed that, as long been suspected, immigrants are the root cause of all problems.

“We were finally able to trace back to the source each of the most common concerns expressed by British people today, and every one of them originated from an immigrant or group of immigrants,” said Michael Brook, lead author of the report. “We can now conclusively blame them for all our troubles.”

“Tell me something I don’t already know,” said Wendy Mitchell, a concerned supermarket worker from South London, whose day had already been blighted by several instances of bad luck, all the result of immigrants. “Ever since they started coming over, this country’s been going down the plughole. We didn’t have no problems before they arrived; now look at us.”

The comprehensive report covers issues ranging from the weather and inflated house prices to more trivial matters, such as running out of toilet paper and toast always falling butter-side down; all of them sharing the same starting place.

To summarise its main points: global warming is now known to be the result of methane emissions from people eating the spicy food they bring over here; UK lowland areas are consistently flooding due to our island sinking under the extra weight of their bodies; immigrants are the chief cause of the rise in immigration; and, most surprisingly, the scourge of anti-social behaviour and teenage gangs found its origins in lollypop lady of 30 years, Teona Ritchie, a Jamaican immigrant now in her seventies.

“I think it is totally unfair and simply untrue for people to believe that immigrants are the cause of all their problems,” said Deepal Pramanik, an Indian migrant worker who took a position at McDonalds that could have been filled by a native British person, and so probably caused that British person significant hardship. “What we need is a little perspective, and for people to take responsibility for their own actions. Only then will we be able to live in harmony.”

Further investigation revealed Pramanik was the cause of at least three traffic jams and around a dozen mobile phones running out of battery at crucial moments in conversations.