What follows is the text of a staggeringly badly written press release that, in its own way, speaks volumes about the way we live now.

Lurking in here is a story that may inspire somebody out there. It's also possible that it is completely beyond satire but if there's a Newsbiscuit dunker who'd like to have a go, here it is. . .

Although news of this miserable project is unlikely to capture the imagination of many news editors, I hope that Budgens' employees get to read about the esteem with which their bosses regard them. . .

Fingerprints Never Lie!

Posted: 12/05/08

Biometric Pilot at Budgens

"Buddy punching", the term for employees entering false clock in times for each other, is a problem that many organizations face but are often unable to prove it.

Through biometrics Budgens has introduced technology which recognises the fingerprints of each employee, something that cannot be faked. This has helped the high street retailer clamp down and save a significant amount. Nucleus Research found that 74 percent of organizations experience payroll losses directly related to buddy punching. Biometric terminals eliminate buddy punching, which, for an organisation with 5,000 employees, can account for more than $4 million annually.

Currently six Budgens stores have been involved in the pilot. However the scheme has proved to be so successful, there are immediate plans to expand to another twenty stores in the next few weeks.

"Like most organisations, we knew we had a problem with buddy punching, but we had no way to prove it," states Utpal Patel, Director of Erongrove Ltd, the company behind the franchising of two of the Budgens stores involved in the pilot. Based in Woking and Parsons Green the two stores have a combined staff of twenty-five employees, of which the financial repercussions are substantial. Through the biometric system Erongrove are saving GBP10,000 a year, money that can be of significant use elsewhere. The benefits of the installed Touch ID terminals across its organization overcome the issue of buddy punching, whilst providing further financial stability for Erongrove. The future could be bright for companies if the biometric pilot goes nationwide; "With the … biometric technology … we are able to ensure we are getting work for the hours we're paying and that our budget money is being spent on investment in the stores," continued Utpal Patel, .

While employee-self service is typically reserved for professional workers, many organisations are providing this functionality across a wide range of enterprises. These organisations have found that providing their entire workforce, including hourly employees, with a self-service functionality that was once reserved only for those with access to a PC, improves: efficiency, increased productivity, and enhanced employee satisfaction and retention.

Budgens found that automating work-related processes such as viewing accrual balances, schedules, timecards, and even time off requests directly from the terminal, can save employees an average of 15 minutes per month; managers an average of three hours per employee each year; and HR an average of five hours per employee per week.

The high street chain Cost-Cutter has also introduced the scheme into two of its stores, with plans to upscale the project significantly in the near future.

Mr Pushpendra Jhala CEO NIVID says “The biometric time and attendance system from Nivid has helped businesses make significant progress in eliminating proxy attendance and buddy- punching in the retail sector. The loss of revenue through fake attendances accounts for the largest percentage of loss to retailers. Biometrics has helped a vast cross section of conglomerates operating in the retail environment including shops, hotels and restaurants to transform their operations by reducing overheads. The Time and Attendance system also helps companies to streamline their HR functions through a more effective system of management in regards to: absences, illness, overtime and the general tardiness of workers”

ENDS