The global pop superstar Madonna today announced that her career was to take another of its sweeping turns as she reinvents herself for the new austere times in which we find ourselves. The queen of pop for over a generation, Madonna has tapped into and responded to the current social stream of consciousness and will be hoping to influence many of her lusty followers with her new hard-hitting dual message of 'make do and mend' and 'grow your own'.

Following widespread comments that 'It's getting a bit too much like watching your auntie dance' the pop goddess conceded she might be getting too old to get the timing right for previously effortless saucy numbers. So she has decided that her only props for her new worldwide tour will be a rocking chair and a pair of size twelve knitting needles with a bit of wool attached while she sings about global issues from a local perspective. 'Sure it's going to be more of a calm affair this time round', said one of her roadies, 'but thanks to that chair, she'll still rock.'

'I really used to fancy her,' said Dwayne Martin from Cardiff, now 36, 'but really I think the only way for her to reinvent herself at her age is to sit back in a comfy chair and witter on about how different 'it were in her day'. I don't think any of her fans would see it as anything but another wonderful artistic statement, and no-one in the world is immune to what Madonna has to say, as long as she says it with her legs open. Like this...' he demonstrated, helpfully.

Madonna herself was too busy brushing up on the various stitches required in the show to comment, but the show's producer Aaron Gay was hugely upbeat about the forthcoming tour. 'She'll start with a medley called 'knit one pearl one' with the entire troupe standing behind her seductively drinking cocoa. Then there'll be a series of fantastic numbers on the topics at the heart of people's souls including a ballad called 'I've got my pass, but woe, the bus is full'. If an encore is required, like, er, D'uh, she's got a great little ditty to finish off the evening called 'Be holey', which is a tender endorsement of her love of crochet.

The tour has already attracted huge numbers of fans wanting to share in the reincarnation of their favourite pop idol, although merchandisers at the show may be in for a bit of a shock. One fan who has grown up with Madonna from her early roots as a teenage sensation said, 'It'd be great to see a living legend in another phase of her artistic existence but the price of Madonna wool is just so exorbitant I mean if I go to John Lewis I can get ten for the price of one of hers and have you seen that scarf she wears she paid through the nose for it I wouldn't doubt but you think you're going to ever see me wearing one of those at that price? I should bloody well cocoa!'