The village of Liddington-under-Lyme is still reeling after gruesome discoveries at the dwelling of one of their most prominent citizens.

Police have cordoned off the home of Mary Mary Quite Contrary after a tip-off from a neighbour. Eileen Perkins was taking afternoon tea with Miss Contrary when she casually asked her how her garden grew. She was left horrified by the response and immediately alerted the authorities.

Teams of Forensic, Antique and Seaside experts soon uncovered early examples of silver bells and cockleshells, but it was the lines of pretty maids all in a row that have sickened police and residents alike.

“She was always such a nice lady” said one local, “always eager to ‘elp at the village fetes, I just don’t believe it”. Another was quoted as saying “We’re really going to miss her jam this year”.

Mary Mary was at first willing to give a full statement to waiting journalists but changed her mind at the last minute.

David Williams