Prime Minister Gordon Brown has today admitted to an amazing list of mistakes. Aides say that this shows contrition after the local election results, and shows that Gordon Brown is a fully paid-up member of the human race and is, therefore, capable of feeling our pain.

The list of blunders includes:

• texting over 3,042 entries to an ITV phone-in, with the misguided aim of securing an award for Ant and Dec

• failing to use 242 clubcard points before they expired, in June 2001

• economising on the redecoration of Number 10 by re-using old wallpaper

• not noticing the rising cost of food and fuel, or public anger at tax rises

• suing The Daily Blurt over its now-infamous “Brown Trousers” headline

• ignoring all TV and radio interview questions and just reading out prepared statements like a robot

• pursuing Edwina Curry to join a ‘Government of All The Talents’

Gordon Brown believes that these disclosures will ‘clear the slate’ and that his victory at the next General Election is now assured.