In a shock move Virgin TV has announced that it has been secretly filming a rival to Sky's relaunced "Gladiators" format. A Virgin spokesperson said "It is true that we are launching a programme in a similar format to Sky's, but there will be a crucial difference - our competitors will all be overweight, unfit and with questionable personal hygiene".

The new show will feature the "Flabiators" resident team including:

"The Blob" 19 Stone, of almost pure lard, and 5 foot 3 inches tall, able to reach speeds of up to almost 3 miles an hour. Special move - a quick five minute sit down.

"The Gut" 22 Stone, concentrated in an enormous beer belly, dodgy knees. Special move, able to produce obnoxious farts, capable of downing an ox at 50 paces.

"Gert Big Lump of a Lass" She's 5 foot 6 inches tall, ways 28 stone 11 pounds and has a real attitude problem. Special move, blocking doors by wedging in them.

The show will include rounds such as:

The belly bump - contestants will rush towards each other at as high a speed as they can manage, with bare bellies - last one standinh on impact is the winner.

Who ate all the pies - contestants fight over a table full of mince pies, then the judges have to guess who ate most of them.

Builder's Crack - who can produce the longest Builder's Crack without their trousers dropping around their ankles on a short run to the bar.

The Virgin Spokesperson concluded that "we strongly feel that the people involvedare more reflective of our demographic. And Gladiators demographic come to think of it".