BRITISH scientists have proved once and for all that a poke in the eye with a sharp stick is better than a kick in the teeth, it has been revealed.

A team of experts at Oxford University spent four years on the study, which involved subjecting over 5,000 volunteers to pokes and kicks and measuring the results.

Dr Melvin Smith, who led the research, said he was 'surprised' by the results.

'There were variables - those people who were poked first thing in the morning, when the sticks were at their sharpest, for instance, tended to favour the kick in the teeth. Equally, those kicked in the teeth at the end of the day, by which time the researchers were tired, fed up and wanted to go home, tended to get a more vigorous kick and, concomitantly, felt the poke was better.

'But overall, 62% of test subjects preferred the poke in the eye. In statistical terms that is actually quite significant.

'We controlled for error using a third technique, the smack in the face, and foud the poke in the eye consistently preferred.'

Dr Smith, whose team is now investigating whether a stitch in time really does save nine, agreed that his research had no practial applications.

'But it's sort of what we do,' he added.