In a shock move yesterday the Roman Catholic Church announced that it is relocating the Vatican from Rome to Poland, and closing two thousand places of worship throughout Europe, with all local spiritual and pastoral requirements thenceforth being dealt with via a call centre in Lahore.

The news had initially been leaked from Channel 4 which will broadcast the search for a new home for the Vatican in a special series of “Location, Location, Location” to be shown at Christmas.

A spokesman for the Vatican said “The Holy Father understands that many people will be disappointed by this decision but if the Vicar of Christ and Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Catholic Church is to remain competitive, we have to respond positively to changing market conditions. The compelling business case for Rome as the corporate HQ of the Holy See of Apostolic Succession which existed in the first century AD no longer holds up. The locals have been very nice, letting us have our own stamps and railway, although they might have told us that it has to connect with Trenitalia after 200m - have you travelled on Italian railways recently? Our new location will give us accessibility to the skilled Polish workforce which, let's face it, is responsible for anything built in Rome after the Renaissance that still works. And we'll be close to the airport and its dedicated terminal for soon-to-be launched budget airline, QuoVadisAir.Com, which we think will help maximise the pilgrimage experience for our customers."

Channel 4 confirmed that the “Location, Location, Location” specials would be scheduled at Christmas as previously planned. It is understood that in the first programmes of the series three locations will be voted out of contention, London (“too expensive”), Rio (“too many temptations of the flesh”) and France (“had the popes in the 14th century and anyway they got Eurodisney”). Final programmes will see each of the remaining three locations profiled in depth.

A lot of interest was shown in the bid from China. Although some of the cardinals can be heard questioning the state persecution of organised religion, it was the air pollution that finally caused the Vatican to withdraw. The other finalist was Las Vegas, ultimately ruled out when the families couldn’t agree.

Asked what would happen to the buildings and treasures in the Vatican, Cardinal Bernini said: “We’ll relocate all the really interesting ones such as St Peters and the Sistine Chapel, but we’ll leave most of the contents of the Vatican museums behind. Frankly no-one ever looks at most of them and what’s the point of moving lots of pictures of popes no-one has ever heard of, or busts of what some artist thought a saint might have looked like who probably never existed in the first place?”

Reaction in Rome has been mixed. The League of Roman Pickpockets threatened an immediate work to rule, but a petition was said to be circulating amongst Italian school children, relieved to be excused school trips to look at the tombs of the Popes, calling for the immediate canonisation of Pope Benedict.

Neither the Archbishop of Canterbury nor the Patriarch of the Greek Orthodox Church were available for comment.