The BBC have issued a sincere apology concerning their 'comedy' output-

for the next 12 months.

Producers of the 'new' West End production of OLIVER will be on the look out for any occurrence of the BLACKADDER-isms' that happened at a dress rehearsal, during Rowan Atkinson's portrayal of Fagin . .

(Addressing young Oliver Fagin/Blackadder said:)

" He couldn't be more Art-ful if he was being ravaged by a rampant and rod-like David Hockney .!"

The crisis caused by independent women has deepened, according to a new report, as more men are reportedly feeling threatened by the sight of females with money.

Men are threatened by women who have good jobs, feel confident about themselves and like to get their rounds in when drinking with workmates. And the situation could get far worse, according to the report's author.

She denied she was sensationalising an issue for publicity purposes.

"No, I'm not trying to panic people," said Mandy Lifeboats, head of research at Research4Headlines, a independent new think tank.

"No-one should have to feel threatened as they go about their business," she said. "If men feel intimidated by career women, surely something must be done to protect them."

Lifeboats admitted she didn't have an answer to hand, but called on the government to commission more reports into this new tragic turn of events. "Investing in a series of reports by an independent think tank could be money well spent. Not just for men, but for women, and their children, and their children's children," she said.

You may have been indulged with an expensive education but we had it rough at our school. If you heard that the teachers were " taking Class A" you knew it had nothing to do with the clever kids doing double maths or algebra.

'Come and collect it any time you like - now would be good' said Hamas Chief, Khaled Mashaal.

(in other news: Hamas Wikipedia article gets overcrowded, starts launching missives at other articles it considers not notable. Moderators unable to agree on appropriate international response).

2008 saw the level of randiness in the British male fall sharply, a government scientist have revealed in a controversial report.

"Your average male has been steadily less randy since the late 70's" said Doctor Stan Poker, the author of the report "but the level has reached new lows during the last twelve months."

Figures show the credit crunch and resultant financial worries to be the main cause, though Doctor Poker identifies other factors.

"The rot starts as early as childhood. Schoolboys are concentrating on league tables and exam results rather than 'accidentally' dropping their pencils on the floor during French lessons. We're also looking at how the internet age is affecting figures. Nowadays young males are spending more and more time online playing Final Fantasy or Second Life, rather than getting out there to earn a few extra bob as window cleaners or driving instructors - both for decades traditional callings for the average randy British male."

The report points out the change in Britain's demographic as a major cause in the drop in randiness, with diligent East European labourers replacing the home-grown wolf-whistling idle builder. Also highlighted is the correlation between the fall in randiness and the rise of wrinkly-faced, dirty-laughed men in pork-pie hats and cardigans being placed on the sex-offenders register.

"Such randy men were considered heroes back in the day, but are now seen as pariahs. Britain’s seaside beauty contests, nursing colleges and sixth-form netball courts are all the sadder for their absence." said Poker, wiping the foam from his mouth.

Polling across the world has indicated that many people, especially in America, consider Dick Cheney to be the worst President in history'.

Cheney, using someone named 'Bush' as a front man, controlled and manipulated U.S. political procedure to the point of near-dictatorship. Showing cheeky disregard for constitutional rights and international treaties while still mouthing the virtues of democracy, Cheney weakened the freedoms of the individual in all aspects of the government. His two-faced form of governing has inspired other corrupt leaders such as Robert Mugabe and Jabba the Hut. Russian 'Leader behind the Throne' Putin has modeled his unique form of despotism after Cheney's. The Generals running Burma consider him an advisor. Donald Trump often writes to him with questions.

When questioned by very brave reporters who dared get with in biting range of the alleged 'civil servant', Cheney snarled "I might be 'the worst president of all time' but on the list of 'greatest tyrants of all time' I happen to rank quite high." He then had the reporter tortured.

June 2009- The death of the stock market in the spring of 2009 ushered in the age of alternative investments. Stock owners en mass loosed themselves of now worthless stocks and began buying collectibles as a money hedge. Expansion in this field has been dramatic. There are now no less than 300 divergent markets into which one can invest his money.

The D.C./Marvel Comics Exchange has seen brisk trading today with the X-Men Franchise up 275 at the start of the day. Rumor of Captain America's debut in a movie sent his stocks soaring to 570. Batman paraphernalia holds steady at 140 points. The multitude of Star War spin offs continue to do respectfully at $4.00 a share. Those wishing to exchange with defunct Wall Street firms can find traders offering 1,000 IBM shares per Obi-Wan action figure.

The Beanie Babies Index is climbing after having expanded into the South American market. An unexpected spike in sales has been seen in novelty kangaroo Beanie Babies that were accidentally filled with Mexican jumping beans.

Beegees/Travolta 'Saturday Night Fever' poster shares hit an unexpected high of $30 a share as the film was finally allowed to be seen in China and is a big smash. Gable/Leigh 'Gone With The Wind' mementos are matching old Microsoft stock one-for-one as a fad of hoarding them is going on in Europe.

OJ memorabilia had been doing well, with Johnny Cochran and F. Lee Bailey making a partnership together to distribute tokens from his life. A cult has also grown around former Packer Brett Favre items, including the ex-cold weather long underwear and ear-flap caps he left behind in Wisconsin.

An active trade in Jimi Hendricks and Peter Townsend souvenir pieces from guitars they have smashed has picked up. It follows a rush on souvenir underwear from Madonna, Tom Jones, Cher and, oddly, Ralph Nadar.

Just like the dot.com boys of the 1990's, an entire alternative culture and economy had developed around these new market forms of investments. There is even talk amongst them of doing away with money altogether and having a barter system in place. There is fear that money, which is being printed as massively as toilet paper, is lessening in value. In moves that are giving IRS officials grey hairs, alternative investors in Oregon have started using cannabis as a cash form. Artists in LA are using music contracts as money while individuals in Detroit are using auto parts for an official standard of trading. Elsewhere Floridians have stopped using money altogether and now consider time-shares, sea shells and cocaine to be their legal form of currency. Las Vegas residents still are using cash in the casinos, but are trading hookers for everyday commodities.

Museum's Famed Portland Vase" Felt he had to take direct action after seeing "Wedgwood" spelled wrong five times in a row.

"Day:" (whatever?)

in the Celeb. Big Bro calender and Verne Troyer ( Austin Powers)

is the first participant to be thrown out of the house. (during an improvised game of volley ball.)

Surprised security staff, picked up the diminutive Mini Me actor, dusted him off and then lobbed him back into the compound.

(that Ulrika Jonsson doesn't know her own strength.)

Still can't see light at end of tunnel

To move to China

To be desiccated

We based our entire future on this years Christmas sales of the NewsBiscuit mug.....and neither of them sold. We had no choice but to call it a day.

In a recent survey carried out by the Youth Development Proramme (YDP) it was revealed that, in fact teenagers really are bored and have got nothing better to do than stand around on street corners.

One fourteen year old youngster told us;

"We went down the youth club but it was closed down and instead me mum was there doing something with her pilates. Then we went over to the 5-a-side pitch but me dad was on there having a kick about with his mates from work. We tried going to the IT class over at the college but me grandad had got the last place and me gran was doing over 60s aqua aerobics at the pool. I can't even practice with the band 'cos me uncle Derek hasn't brought me guitar back yet and aunty Sandra's still down the velodrome with me mountain bike. There's only one place left where me family has not taken over so me and my mates are going to score some weed, nick a motor and go down the pub"

Hot on the heels of their success in finding a suitable actor to replace David Tennant as Doctor Who, the BBC is launching a new campaign to find next year's host of Strictly Come Dancing.

Graham Norton will present the 'Bruce Forsyth Regeneration Game' due on our screens in July.

The show's format is expected to involve members of the public climbing through fast moving polystyrene walls while singing karaoke versions of Whitney Houston classics.

Entrants must be 18 or over and should be able to demonstrate examples of recent family tragedy or to prove that they have achieved success in life despite a very challenging upbringing.

No specific talent is required as all jokes, one-liners and catchphrases will be provided by a crack team of writers selected from a leading satirical web based comedy newspaper.

Viewers will be able to text in to vote for their favourite contestant, with lines opening shortly after the show closes its run in mid December.

The eventual winner will be decided in a closed meeting of the show's producers later this week.

A BBC insider said "We think this is the best way to select new talent as clearly our drama schools aren't producing the quality that's needed for the modern entertainment industry, besides which they're too savvy these days to fall for the sort of contracts and financial terms being offered."

Bruce Forstyh was not available for an interview, however in a statememt read out by his agent, Bruce was quoted as saying "After over 60 years in showbusiness, it's nice to be able to look forward to a bit of a rest, to be able to look forward to a bit of a rest, nice."

KRONOS QUARTET SPLIT

One of the most celebrated classical ensembles of recent times has split in acrimonious circumstances. The reason, "purely musical differences" said an insider at rehearsals this morning, but departing oboeist Alexis Mikolas thinks the decision has far deeper, more complex conotations.

" I just did not seem to fit in at all, it felt at times as though I was just making up the numbers" Mikolas told Newsnight Review "I had the feeling they didn't really want me around, right from the start they stuck together and would simply ignore me. They became so close and it was impossible for me to break into their little circle. Even on the tour bus it was always me sitting on my own. In the end I felt they didn't really need me and so left them to carry on with the project alone."

Mikolas is said to be considering a solo project if he can find someone to collaborate with him.

Quartet members David Harrington, John Sherba, Hank Dutt and Jeffrey Ziegler were "preparing for this evenings performance and were unavailable for comment."

Airship Terminal Unveiled On The Isle of Wight.

With the recent news that a third runway at Heathrow is looking increasingly unlikely, Isle of Wight entrepreneurs have unveiled a daring plan that they feel will solve the UK’s air traffic congestion at a stroke. Ventnor businessman Alvin Swift and his lifelong friend Dick, opened the island’s first international airship terminal yesterday. Alvin and Dick intend to run up to three scheduled services a day between New York and Ventnor, depending on the wind. Asked if the current lack of large commercial airships is a draw back, Alvin replied, ‘ Well we are talking to the makers of the Hindenburg and the R101 who we understand have considerable experience in the field. There are one or two reliability problems to overcome but the lack of mountains on the island will be distinct advantage’.

The new state of the art terminal which has been designed to compete with Heathrow’s terminal 5 will feature a host of up to the minute facilities for the hard pressed traveller, including a coffee machine, a fully flushing toilet and some seats. Alvin and Dick also plan a low cost alternative featuring hot air balloons. The only disadvantage is that you can only depart but never return and you have no idea where you are going, perfect for today’s uncertain times.

A longstanding legal dispute between sod’s law and Parkinson’s law was no closer to resolution last night after a widely anticipated ruling by the High Court was postponed when the judge presiding over the case was injured in a freak accident attempting to get to court on time. Lawyers acting for sod’s law have described the delay as “bloody typical,” while supporters of Parkinson’s law welcomed an extension to proceedings which they have criticised throughout for being “unduly rushed”.

The dispute began when Parkinson’s law, which states that work expands to fill the time available for doing it, challenged the assertion by sod’s law that if something can go wrong it will. Lawyers acting for Parkinson’s law claim that the unplanned calamities stipulated by the defendant’s doctrine were causing many tasks to overrun, violating the central edict of Parkinson’s law and rendering the two codes incompatible. Evidence cited in the case showed that students and freelance writers were particularly likely to be victims of the clash between these jurisdictions, with many of the latter then falling prey to the law of the jungle and losing commissions to rival writers.

Lawyers for Parkinson’s law have also argued that the influence of sod’s law increases disproportionately the closer a project gets to its deadline, a phenomenon which they claim is in direct contravention of the law of averages. Lawyers acting for sod’s law have vehemently denied this accusation, but have themselves cited an earlier precedent set by the law of averages which states that the likelihood of things going wrong cannot be artificially reduced simply to preserve deadlines, many of which – it is argued – provide more than enough time for the job to be finished if only people didn’t put everything off until the last minute.

Both parties will now have to wait for a ruling at a date to be determined after Lord Justice Collins’ unfortunate accident. It is reported that he slipped on a stray banana skin in a bid to avoid walking under a window-cleaner’s ladder, only to then fall into the path of a runaway rickshaw. Doctors have likened the accident to “an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object” and have refused to be drawn on the likely timescale for the judge’s recovery saying that they “didn’t want to raise expectations, particularly as further setbacks couldn’t be ruled out.”

More soon.

"But that would look silly" say golfers

Administrators find asset strippers are already there.

'Definitely NOT a virus' said Mr Jobs.

UK Historians have admitted defeat in their quest to turn the events of 2008 into something memorable, inspiring and well Historic.

What seemed like an easy ask at the start of the year eventually became an impossibility, as it was clear that the majority of any useable History would be overshadowed by end of year tales of woe.

"2008 was an unprecedented disaster for us, the credit crunch hit hard, unemployment increased and a recession kicked in.

My fellow Historians and I took an executive decision to write 2008 off as never happening, much like the Americans can now pretend George W Bush never happened and there was an 8 year break before a suitable president was found."

Said Renowned Historian Reginald D Booker.

"I only hope 2009 is a great year, so Historians such as myself remain employed, and don't end up a statistic like so many other professionals have in the last few months."

A retired milkman has expressed genuine shock over a rapid change in fortune precipitated by applying for IT training. After the one week course, he was headhunted by bluechip giant IBM, which he now runs.

Within a fortnight, after a slew of proposals, he married a former miss world winner, and had starred in an advert for Aston Martin. He was given the car advertised as payment.

A financial services company has denied it changed its name to Who'sAsking? in order avoid being associated with an unwanted reputation.

From yesterday, anyone calling and asking if they were through to Ipswich Union would be met with the words: "No. Who'sAsking!"

As part of the re-branding exercise, staff at the company's call centre have been trained to distance themselves from the old brand values, explained a PR man.

"We are a constantly evolving, people oriented service provider and we wanted to choose a new logo that exudes the core brand values that customers expect from us," said Jerkin Square-Specs, head of PR at Ipswich Union. "It's got absolutely nothing to do with changing our ID to shake off a terrible reputation. We are not doing a moonlight flight to avoid the reputation police."

The only similarity between the two companies, said Square-Specs, will be that the staff, HQ and database of customers will be identical.

"We've been talking to our customers, and what they told us they want is more unsolicited phone calls, more small print on difficult to understand mortgage contracts, and more opportunities to listen to music-on-hold."

Who'sAsking will back up the re-branding exercise with an ad campaign featuring rock stars, actors and musicians who also changed their name.

"Hi, I changed my man because I wanted to be someone else," said Paul Gadd, formerly known as Gary Glitter.

Innocent smoothie has traded at $100 a barrel for the first time.

Violence in Gaza and Hamas’ rejection of Israeli produce, the threat of cold weather and Mr Motivator’s return to GMTV are just some of the factors blamed for raised prices after the new year break.

Smoothie rose $4.02 to $100 a barrel in New York yesterday - although pineapple banana and coconut flavour bucked the trend peaking at just $87.

There are concerns that the high price of the fruit smoothie will stoke inflation at a time when many central banks are trying to cut interest rates to stimulate growth in other sectors such as gym membership.

After smoothie broke the $100 barrel the Dow Jones closed down 1.7% or 220.9 points at 13044.0.

"All of the factors that pushed us above $80 are now moving us higher," said Tim Davis at Citigroup, New York.

"Until we get more supply or demand starts to take a hit, there is no reason we can't see any number.

"However, we predict that the market will stabilise with demand lowering significantly through next weekend when people realise they can't be arsed with their new year's resolutions."

Leaders around the world have universally condemned the ongoing Israeli ground offensive this morning after a cat was injured in an attack on a suspected Hamas safe house. A special forces unit was involved in the strike which destroyed a block of flats, killing 58 people, mostly women and children. In the ensuing mayhem one of the soldiers trod on the paw of a one year old cat which ran from the building as it collapsed.

A spokesperson for the Israeli army said, “I can confirm that in carrying out a strategic operation this morning, an Israeli soldier regrettably injured a cat. This was totally accidental and after being treated by our medics, it is expected to make a full recovery.” The statement was expected to quell anger over the offensive but Israeli leaders are said to be worried after the Daily Mail published a story on their website about the incident and also started an online poll. Within one hour, 17,000 people had posted comments and early indications from the poll were that the Israelis were wrong to involve animals in the conflict.

Susanne Relph from the Cats Protection League said, “It is all too common for cats to be caught up in conflict these days, but it doesn’t have to be this way. We will be making contact with the Israeli government this afternoon to try and find some common ground upon which to broker a peace deal. When cats begin to suffer, I think everyone will agree that things have gone too far.”

Sources within the Israeli ministry of defence have said their top military leaders have been under armed guard since the cat was injured, for fear of reprisals. “You can kill and maim soldiers and civilians,” said the source, “but when you start hurting animals, the whole world goes crazy.” The army was due to launch a full scale assault on a suspected Hamas weapons dump tomorrow but this has been postponed so a team of ecologists can investigate a report that the building is home to a rare species of bat.

As part of his plans to kick start the economy and improve morale, Gordon Brown will make having a Happy New Year compulsory. Everyone in the UK will be obliged to have a happy new year or face a fixed priced penalty of eighty pounds. Also the lesser crimes of not having a nice day or not taking care of yourselves will cost UK citizens forty pounds for each offence.

Peter Manddleson came out in support of the campaign and added, ‘ I have noticed over the years than many people ignore these instructions, which clearly are there to improve all of our lives. We cannot let this situation continue any longer. I am sure that once a few people have been fined, the rest will get the message and everyone will be lot more cheerful’. ‘Don’t do anything that I wouldn’t do’ is not covered by the new legislation, as no one ever does.

.

More soon.

Happy New Year everyone!

In a bold move, Asda is demanding blood from customers, in a trial at their West Bromwich store.

In the move, customers will not be allowed to enter the store without first consenting to have a blood sample taken and stored in a secret vault. It is thought that the economic crisis will increase the desperation of shoppers to go to further lengths to obtain cut price booze.

Asdas motives for securing the blood are not currently clear, but speculation has pointed towards an identity database, identity theft, blood transfusions, or even vampirism.

At the time of writing, the general manager of the West Bromwich store, Count Wolfgang Helmsmann III was unable for comment.

A man who claimed to have learned French in only two days was caught out, when he failed to return a library book called "Conversational French" over 2 weeks before he made the claim. As the controversy hit, eyewitness accounts poured in from people claiming to have attended GCSE French with him at Woolwich comprehensive over a number of years.

The man has already been stripped of his OBE, and while he cannot be tried under fraud, experts are warning of a considerable amount of scorn yet to come.

The government has released a document today linking the decrease in weight of consumer goods to reduced spending. Although shoppers voiced approval over a decrease in weight, particularly with regard to mobile phones and other portable electronics, it was found to have an overall effect of reducing the percieved value of the merchandise.

The survey goes on to cite the steady growth in the sales of Le Creuset kitchenware, yachts, and other heavy things, whereas ipods, stuffed toys and relatively light products suffered a slump. Helium balloons were particularly hard hit.

Current thinking goes that there may be a follow-on effect on groceries, with salads losing out in the marketplace to items such as potatoes, steaks, and shitty McCain pizzas, which are more like a loaf of bread than a pizza.

Liquids and fags are expected to maintain a steady sales pattern throughout the year. Apart from petrol, obviously.

Firework shop "Bang and a Whimper" have announced they will be closing down their Fulham branch next month due to flimsy sales. Jonathan Reedman said "We haven't sold a bloody thing all year. Not even a solitary sodding sparkler. Halloween caught us off-guard to be honest. And don't get me started on the New Year rush - I'm still dealing with back orders from October".

Business troubleshooter Gerry Robinson visited the ailing company last month for the TV program "Can Gerry Robinson Fix the Faltering Firework Farce". Gerry said "How these cretins ever expected to succeed is mystifying. What kind of cretinous event would warrant a firework display in the middle of March anyway? And why open 81 more branches across the country before the first one has even turned a profit for fuck sake?"

Gerry is worried that an increasing number of British businesses have now become far too specialised to succeed. The upmarket restaurant chain "Afters" specialised solely in deserts until just recently. Fortunately Gerry brokered a successful merger with "Mains" the independent electrical supplier, so if you now order two slices of strawberry cheesecake you get a free box of electric to take away. The merged company have also informed their customers not to worry about over-paying their electric bill because they will make up the difference in custard pies.

The shoe shop "Hefty Lefties" in Darwin have finally managed to become profitable despite specialising in steel toe capped boots for the left foot only. The company nearly folded after a potentially devastating fire broke out in their warehouse. Fortunately Gerry Robinson managed to piss on the blaze from a large crane saving the business from ruin. The future may not sound quite as rosy for the "Bang and a Whimper" though. Nevertheless the employees remain upbeat, promising to celebrate the closure the only way they know how, with a fantastic firework display of all remaining stock left unsold.

........................

Ryan Brown & Soop

just another shaggy dog story.

OilCo, the car sharing oil exploration corporation, has countered charges of environmental damage, after its new corporate HQ was built over the site of a rainforest.

“We have built a world class, sustainable corporate head quarters, fit for the twenty first century,” said Imogen Pleasant, head of global communication for Oilco. “We have an unrivalled on-going commitment to the environment, and would never put profits before people.”

However, some critics questioned whether OilCo might be guilty of tokenism. It emerged yesterday that the concrete and steel corporate headquarters, comprises only 1 per cent of what it described as recycled Amazonian waste timbers. “Sadly, many of the timbers were damaged in the forest clearance,” explained Pleasant, “much of it was caused by the local peasant community who broke up the trees and threw them at our bulldozers.”

Asked why OilCo had chosen to site its HQ in the Amazonian rain forest, when it still has an empty office block in Croydon, Pleasant said it reflects the new direction the company is taking. “It’s important that we’re seen to be at the heart of the environmental story,” she said.

She had these words for the companies critics. “It seems we just don’t like winners in this country. We’re victims of our own success.”

Jeremy Kyle Show host Jeremy Kyle is being sent to the Middle East in an attempt to bring together Israel and Palestine in an historic peace deal.

In a special episode of his show to be entitled “How Can We Sort Out Our Differences When You're Sleeping With America?”, Kyle and his studio audience will try to persuade both countries to give each other another chance and to agree a mutually acceptable custody arrangement. “Perhaps Israel can have Gaza during the week and Palestine at weekends” suggested Kyle.

Kyle also plans to carry out a paternity test during the show to prove once and for all who's fatherland Gaza really is.

"I really believe our formula that enables teenage sisters who have both got pregnant to the same married cousin to bury the hatchet will work in this situation as well" said Kyle. "We could offer Israel some anger management counselling, or maybe it will help if I tell the Palestinians not to keep playing the victim in all this. I really think they both need to kick their missile dependence first though."

Another part of the show will see George Bush take a lie-detector test on behalf of America. The questions have apparently not yet been finalised, but are likely to be “Do you really think you’ve contributed to Middle Eastern peace?”, “Do you really believe that your foreign policy is winning the ‘war on terror’ instead of increasing hatred of the western world?“ and “Can you remember what your name is?”

A Government spokesman, when asked whether this plan was a threat to the future of the Jeremy Kyle show if something happened to him whilst in the war-zone simply answered "Yes".

A radical new programme to encourage smoking is being considered by Ministers as a way of helping the United Kingdom spend its way out of the financial crisis.

Adverts suggesting people should smoke more to increase the amount of money raised in taxation for the Treasury are being ‘actively considered’, according to sources within the department.

At present, smokers raise around 9 billion pounds for the government, but with the UK economy facing a deep recession, experts at the Treasury forecast a rise in the amount of cigarettes being consumed by people worried about their jobs, homes and where their next meal is coming from.

Those behind the plan, who are understood to have the ears of the Chancellor Alistair Darling in a box by their beds, are confident that increasing the rates of smoking will have several effects in the short and long term.

The proposals are seen as a way of increasing revenues to spend on capital building projects, like the planned re-painting of the White Cliffs of Dover.

The other ‘benefit’ outlined in the document is that those who actually do smoke and drink more will die at an earlier age, thus saving the government spending on the NHS and on retirement pensions.

It’s understood the proposals, due to be put to the cabinet early in 2009, would be combined with a high profile advertising campaign, with celebrity names like Amy Winehouse and Liam Gallagher suggested as the official spokesperson.

The plan also calls for a more imaginative use of the health warnings on tobacco. Messages like ‘Smokers Die Younger’ and ‘Smoking seriously harms you and others around you’ would be replaced with slogans along the lines of ‘Save the country – have a Fag’ and ‘One for the road and one for the Government’.

The current use of pictures on a packet of cigarettes would remain, but they would feature in a new version of Top Trumps, where teenagers could swap the pictures as a new game to be introduced into pubs and restaurants.

That would mean the current ban on smoking in public places would be suspended, although the draft legislation could see it repealed.

Each packet of cigarettes would also come with a personal message from the Prime Minister Gordon Brown, thanking the smoker for their ‘willingness to sacrifice themselves for the National Good’.

If adopted, the scheme would be a major about face for UK health policy, which has since the 1970’s sought to cut the number of people dying from alcohol and tobacco-related illnesses.

“It’s getting ridiculous now” according to the source at the Treasury. “30 years ago, we never imagined so many people would still be alive because they’d actually listened to a government’s health advice. Add that to the fact that Ministers back then were banking on a major Cold War conflict killing of thousands of people, we’re now facing a situation where the country’s got far too many people to sustain the NHS and the pensions service and the money’s running out.”

The move would also be a slap in the face for campaign groups like ASH and Alcohol Concern, but the leaked report says they can easily be overcome by re-defining their activities as not being conducive to the public good and bringing them under the scrutiny of anti-terrorist legislation.

Criminals serving Community Service will have to wear orange bibs, says Jack Straw

A poll carried out in Northern Ireland yesterday was inconclusive and opinions divided with some people firmly against the proposal but others thinking it was an excellent idea.

It may only be the first full day back after the Christmas break but already a record January is being predicted at a well-known business services company. Office manager Jason Wright, who for the past seven years has used the start of the new year to plague everyone with details of his detox plan, today announced that he had eaten a normal breakfast and intended to continue drinking in moderation in the evenings.

Colleague Sandra Davis expressed relief on behalf of the whole team. ‘Usually you spend hours listening to all that crap about flushing the toxins out of his system, while he spends the first half of the month in caffeine and alcohol withdrawal and acting like a bear with toothache. Nothing useful gets done at all. Then in the second half of the month he starts raving and can’t stop telling you how bloody wonderful he’s feeling all the sodding time, and apart from putting everyone off their own work he keeps making stupid mistakes and his judgement goes out of the window. Then when he’s just about back to normal, February comes round and he hits the bottle as if he’s trying to make up for lost time. Things usually start to pick up in March.’

Jason said on the phone he was too busy to give an interview, but offered to give one while out jogging at lunchtime. He then screamed and asked his secretary why she had kicked him really hard in the ankle, before apologising that it did not appear that he would be fit to do any running for a few days just yet.

In a radical experiment, ambulances responding to emergency calls in Berkshire and parts of Buckinghamshire will be playing Greensleeves in place of the familiar two-tone sirens.

The idea was provoked by concerns of local Environmental Health Officers about noise pollution in built-up areas, where residents complain that the increasingly frequent use of blaring sirens is distracting and annoying. "People who have to work in premises beside main roads repeatedly have their concentration broken, which leads to stress as well as incalculable loss of productivity," explained Peter Evans of the Thames Valley Chamber of Commerce Group. "In fact, when there are major incidents such as serious traffic accidents or house fires, it can be practically impossible