Shocked regulars at the "Rovers Return" were informed last night that the pub would have to close. Beer sales had "fallen off a cliff" with the advent of alcopops and methylated spirit and food sales had never recovered from the last outbreak of bottulism linked to Betty's hotpot.

"It's a sad day for Weatherfield" said Gail Platt.

George Michael boldly stepped into the breach today to save the scheduled unveiling of new eco toilets in Central London. The new super-loos were to have been unveiled by Huge Grant, but a last minute diarrhoea attack forced him to withdraw.

It has been reported from Harare that Robert Mugabe, the incumbent dictator of Zimbabwe, has been considering an injection of new "foreign" talent into his ZanuPF party.

"Kenny did some good work with the congestion charges, and he clearly favours the African communities over their decadent white oppressors. He could be good for us," he was reported as saying. " I was also impressed by his decision to go with the bendy-bus. If only we could afford the petrol! I have also been recommended to look at Ant and Dec for my Light Entertainment Division; their probity on voting is well-known internationally as nearly the equal of my own."

Following another of his detailed tax policy reviews, Alastair Darling has pledged to push ahead with what he calls "un-decimalisation". "It stands to reason", he said "that people will feel more affluent with 12 pennies in a shilling and 144 pennies in a pound. Clearly decimalisation has been a miserable failure. In 1969 you could buy a pint of beer for half a crown and still have enough left over for a bag of pork scatchings! Now it costs you a full week's wages."

At this point he was removed from the House by the men in white coats, while the Prime Minister put his head squarely in his hands and a low moaning sound was audible.

Chancellor of Chuckles to compensate for rise in Minimum Giggle Rate to 20%, by raising the floor of the Laughter allowance by 120 Guffaws per annum for the least amused, whilst decreasing the ceiling by the same amount for those laughing all the way to the Bank.

The future of Sky One's new series of Gladiators was thrown into doubt yesterday after it emerged a contestant lost a finger whilst competing on the show last week, and is threatening to sue.

Alan Skelton, a 30 year-old PE teacher from Rugby, slipped and fell on the shows infamous "Travellator", a sloping conveyor belt that contestants must sprint up in order to complete an assault course. Mr Skelton's left index finger was completely severed at the knuckle when his hand went under the conveyor belt and was caught in the Travellelators gear mechanism.

Filming of the show was immediately cancelled for the day, and the horrified audience was escorted from Birmingham's NEC Arena with promises of a full refund. Mr Skelton was treated at the scene by the shows medics, before being rushed to Solihull hospital for emergency surgery.

A spokesman for Shine Ltd, who produce the show for Sky, would not comment on the impending lawsuit, but said: "We are deeply shocked at this horrible accident and would like to extend our best wishes to Alan for a swift recovery, as well our thanks to the professionalism of the medics who looked after him following this dreadful incident. Safety is always our number one priority on Gladiators, and we will be launching a full and thorough investigation into how this accident happened".

Referee John Anderson came under fire for imposing a five second penalty on Mr Skelton for bleeding excessively on the padded mats in front of the Travellator, despite the stricken contestant rolling in agony and clearly unable to complete the assault course. An unrepentant Anderson said: "I agree it was unfortunate and could be seen as rather harsh, but I don't make the rules. The rules in Gladiators are clear. Any contestant causing damage to the equipment or creating a potential hazard for other contestants will be subject to a penalty".

Gladiator presenter and ex-footballer Ian wright was unavailable for comment yesterday, but on being informed of the accident, former presenter John Fashanu issued a brief statement last night. "Awooga".

Mr Skelton's opponent Matthew Symes, a 26 year old window cleaner from Braintree, came from behind to win the assault course and goes through to the quarter finals, although filming of the present series has currently been suspended pending an investigation of the incident.

Gladiators was also the subject of several complaints from viewers on Saturday night, with claims that Oblivions cock could clearly be seen through his spandex leotard.

For decades the question of the existence of the MoD has been never been properly answered, and despite being the focus of several major hit movies by Steven Spielberg, the world has remained largely unconvinced. Several supposed sightings of MoD officials have since been debunked as 'just ordinary people in bowler hats walking along Whitehall', and whilst tales of MoD abductions have greater credibility, there is no firm evidence that such humanoid terrestrials actually exist.

But the release today, by the Government, of documents reporting UFO sightings seems to confirm beyond any doubt that there really is an MoD presence on planet earth. Aliens and UFO pilots have expressed concern at the publication of this information, and are worried that fear and panic may threaten MoD officials on earth, when we should really be trying to make contact with them and welcome them as friends.

Maybe you have seen an MoD official or been in one of their craft. If so we'd love to hear from you.

Years of debate were finally settled Tuesday after a damning 200 page report from Home Office department, the UK Border Agency, revealed that, as long been suspected, immigrants are the root cause of all problems.

“We were finally able to trace back to the source each of the most common concerns expressed by British people today, and every one of them originated from an immigrant or group of immigrants,” said Michael Brook, lead author of the report. “We can now conclusively blame them for all our troubles.”

“Tell me something I don’t already know,” said Wendy Mitchell, a concerned supermarket worker from South London, whose day had already been blighted by several instances of bad luck, all the result of immigrants. “Ever since they started coming over, this country’s been going down the plughole. We didn’t have no problems before they arrived; now look at us.”

The comprehensive report covers issues ranging from the weather and inflated house prices to more trivial matters, such as running out of toilet paper and toast always falling butter-side down; all of them sharing the same starting place.

To summarise its main points: global warming is now known to be the result of methane emissions from people eating the spicy food they bring over here; UK lowland areas are consistently flooding due to our island sinking under the extra weight of their bodies; immigrants are the chief cause of the rise in immigration; and, most surprisingly, the scourge of anti-social behaviour and teenage gangs found its origins in lollypop lady of 30 years, Teona Ritchie, a Jamaican immigrant now in her seventies.

“I think it is totally unfair and simply untrue for people to believe that immigrants are the cause of all their problems,” said Deepal Pramanik, an Indian migrant worker who took a position at McDonalds that could have been filled by a native British person, and so probably caused that British person significant hardship. “What we need is a little perspective, and for people to take responsibility for their own actions. Only then will we be able to live in harmony.”

Further investigation revealed Pramanik was the cause of at least three traffic jams and around a dozen mobile phones running out of battery at crucial moments in conversations.

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Unfortunately the presence of heavy metal gives the wine a Purple Haze

The world-renowned British spy, James Bond, has publicly spoken out against the pay freeze in the Civil Service. "I think the government is out to get me. In the last year, they've increased tax on alcohol, cigarettes, gambling, air transport and fast cars. Now they think they can give me a below-inflation wage increase. It's simply unfair."

The Wealth Inflation Index, produced by the Royal Bankers, Coutts, estimates that inflation on luxury goods is standing at 9.5%. Commentators are generally in agreement that Bond has been unfairly treated, with one saying: "It's fair to give low-paid civil servants who buy their clothes at Primark and travel on Ryanair a 2% wage increase, but it must be appreciated that Bond has to maintain a lifestyle far above theirs, travelling first class and wearing Savile Row suits."

Bond however seemed reluctant to change his lifestyle, "I'm not going to downgrade to business class or 4* hotels. The simple way is to visit the casino in tax-free Monaco a bit more often and hopefully meet some rich women."

A new government thinktank has warned that given current levels of coastal erosion we could all be living in a UK the size of the Isle of Wight by 3015. Property prices will have increased by 20000% so just think yourself lucky we'll all be dead.

Fabio Capello, latest in a long line of foreign England managers, admitted yesterday that his new team were total shite. I knew it would a be a challenge, he said, but these guys don't want to get out of bed for less than a million quid a game. I wouldn't give 50 zillion lira for their chances in the next under 11's Schools open challenge cup let alone the World Cup. Fortunately, as their name suggests, the FA reward failure so I will be able to smile through the tears on the beach at Portofino when they crash and burn as expected.

Madonna has launched an appeal to find more virgins to enable the continuation of trials for a controversial new therapy.

Inspired by the legendary Countess Bathory, immortalised by actress Ingrid Pitt in the 1970 Hammer film, Countess Dracula, TBI (Total Blood Immersion) therapy, during which patients soak for up to three hours in a bath of plasma heated to a constant temperature of 36 degrees C, can only be effective if the solution used has been harvested from not less than 12 female virgins

Yet to be recognised by NICE, TBI is rumoured to be the source of the glowing skin and youthful appearance of Hollywood A-listers including Sharon Stone, Demi Moore and Michelle Pfeiffer.

Madonna, the only public figure to openly admit her reliance on TBI, is spearheading an international appeal designed to raise awareness of the virgin shortage, while encouraging more young women donors to come forward.

At a press conference yesterday she told reporters: "We aren't living in the middle ages for f**k's sake. We've moved on since then. This isn't about death any more. All I'm asking for is a f**ckin couple of pints. If you are a virgin it's your duty to do a beautiful thing."

She added: "I would like to ask anyone thinking about not being a virgin to take time out and think long and hard about the good they can do with that very precious gift."

Trials have stalled in the US since the last stocks of virgin plasma were exhausted in April. Manufacturers have since attempted to locate alternative sources and are rumoured to be in talks with the Vatican.

Madonna admits that she is close to desperation. "This is a crisis. I am f**ckin scared about what the future might hold."

Manufacturers have confirmed that the status of the blood processed is critical. Studies have shown that contributions from well-meaning sympathisers who are like a virgin have little or no effect.

Following the BBC's recent successes with nostalgia cop shows Life on Mars and Ashes to Ashes, they have commissioned a prequel. Set in 1962 with Sam Tyler in short trousers and attending the local comp. the working title is The Laughing Gnome. Other barrel-scraping David Bowie song titles are still actively being considered. Sue Townsend, the award-winning writer of Adrian Mole was being asked to script the new shows.

The Torch song "Meddle with the world" was deemed too depressing by the Olympic council and also didn't come accross as very complimentary about the Chinese hosts.

Lines such as "Where's the freedom of speech, for a Chinese Heptathlete?" and "I can't see the Javelin throw, as the pollution clouds my vision so." were deemed too pointed and not in keeping with the party atmosphere the organisers wanted to create.

The band refused to comment on the news, but the Chinese authorities were pleased to announce that Russ Abbot had now been chosen, and would be re-recording his biggest hit.

A demanding new UK driving test based on the top-selling Grand Theft Auto shoot-em-up games is to be introduced next year.

Among sweeping changes, the traditional emergency stop will be replaced with an attack on the learner driver’s car by ‘gangstas’ armed with rocket launchers.

The adrenalin-pumping new test is being rushed through in an attempt to persuade the next generation of young motorists to consider getting a driving licence and insurance.

A spokesman for Downing Street admitted that the existing test no longer reflects today’s more hard-edged driving culture, so the cars-sex-and-violence GTA model will be adopted by June 2009.

In a major break with the past, road skills in urban areas will not be assessed on consideration for other road users but for an ability to successfully negotiate shopping mall car parks at high speed.

Collisions with other vehicles will no longer be regarded as fail points; instead, successfully executed ‘street’ manoeuvres like handbrake turns will attract Nectar points and KFC vouchers.

A proposal from a Young Conservatives think tank for a points-per-prostitute ‘shagged-and-shot’ bonus was dropped after protests from women’s groups.

The surprise move by the UK’s Driving Standards Agency comes after senior police officers told ministers that youngsters are bypassing the test and licensing system.

A spokesman for the DSA said: “It’s clear that many young drivers learn to drive on the GTA games anyway so we’re introducing many of the elements that will be familiar to them.

“We’ll be using actors for many of the test scenarios though in some parts of Britain we hope to attract local volunteers and even real-life hoodlums on community service programmes. It’ll be way cool.”

The Highway Code is also to be substantially updated, according to the Department for Transport.

A DfT spokesman said: “We have to change with the times. For example, using indicators is hopelessly old-school so an intention to turn right will be signalled with a short burst of automatic gunfire from the driver’s window.

“As for hand signals, Britain’s drivers have developed a very clear and quite sophisticated system of their own, using one, two or three fingers in various combinations.

“Most significantly, the concept of road manners is to be phased out as outdated and possibly dangerous as it leads to unreasonable expectations of ‘giving way’ and stopping at red lights.”

The Driving Standards Agency spokesman insisted: “This isn’t just about kids. We’ve now got drivers approaching their 50s who grew up with computer games and who now go to their rooms and start playing GTA as soon as they’ve parked their real cars outside.

“Anybody who has driven recently will have noticed the influence of Grand Theft Auto on motoring habits; passing on motorways now includes use of the hard shoulder and the gravelly bit by the central crash barrier.

“Even a drive down a country lane can mean a head-on encounter with a financial controller in a BMW who thinks he is chasing a rival pimp for stealing his ‘ho’s’.”

Driving schools are throwing their weight behind preparations for the new test. Market leader BSM is to replace its nationwide fleet of Nissan Micras and Ford Fiestas with race-tuned Subaru WRX sports 4x4s with tinted windows and straight-thru exhausts.

A new network of test centres adjoining drive-thru KFCs and MacDonalds is being set up to encourage unlicensed drivers to ‘have a go’. Being under-age will be no barrier and the use of stolen cars will be handled ‘sensitively’, according to ACPO, the Association of Assistant Chief Police Officers.

Edmund King, spokesman for the UK Automobile Association, said: “The Government is being pragmatic. It’s simply a question of getting down wiv the bruvs to get the key driving messages across, yeah? Sweet.”

Average scores for newsbiscuit articles took a hammering yesterday as readers voted with their stars and wiped points off traditionally high scoring stories.

Regular contributers were left agog as they saw their one time top ten entry reduced to a low 6 or maybe a high 5 star score. This crash is the worst on record and comes off the back of the credit crunch, global warming and the Beijing Olympics, all of which seem to have run out of decent jokes and one-liners.

Other fave targets such as T5, Gordon Brown, Heather Mills and Amy Wino were also scoring lower than before as readers decided enough was enough.

Contributors face tough decisions over the next few days and weeks as to where the next 8 or 9 star score is going to come from, with many scratching their heads as to what the readers want.

Definite no-no's are jokes about earthquakes, Austrian cellars and Jersey care homes.

Gone are the days when retiring politicians were liable to publish their memoirs and sign up for a few non exec. directorships. Increasingly politics is becoming the new comedy. John Prescott or Prezza as he prefers to be known, has just launched his first UK tour doing his highly regarded Bernard Manning routine of blue jokes and tasteless inuendo. "I've never done anything blue in me f*ckin life, it's gotta be red or dead", he commented. While the hot money is on Gordon Brown to take this year's perrier award for his miserable but comical bastard routine. Not since Victor Meldrew has this comic creation been so successful or widely recognised. Some commentators had supposed that the catch-phrase "I don't believe it" was in fact a Backbench response to some of Brown's recent policy decisions.

"Politics is just such a fertile training ground for stand-up" said a well-known concert promoter; let's face it most government policies could only have been written by a real gag-meister.

The hit American TV show ‘Lost’ is taking the drama to a new level with a dramatic change of location this autumn as the cast find themselves stuck at Heathrow’s Terminal 5. The new series will follow the trauma and misery experience by passengers of Flight 450, seemingly marooned forever in the newest terminal of the world’s busiest airport. ‘We are confident that each week, viewers of ‘Lost’ will tune in to see if their bags have been found or their connecting flight is ready to leave’ said producer Jeff Devere.

With ratings slipping recently, the producers were forced to up the jeopardy with the new series, and the pressure was on to find an even more unlikely location for a plane to end up. ‘As food stocks run low, the characters are forced to live on a diet of over-priced mozzarella paninnis, grabbing whatever sleep they can on the airport benches,’ boasted Devere. The flashbacks continue, with the stranded travellers having fond memories of the time they spent on a remote desert island.

Ignoring advice to reconstruct Terminal 5 in a separate location, the production team actually spent months filming at the infamous airport location itself. All the shows are now filmed and edited and ready to be shipped back to Hollywood, with only one minor hitch in the plan. ‘We were flying them back to Los Angeles, and so checked in all the tapes at the baggage section of Heathrow’s Terminal 5. The only slight problem, and perhaps we should have seen this coming, is that the tapes are all, well; Lost.’

Alastair Darling in his first speech before the 1934 Backbench Committee into Obscure Tax Practices announced his intention of launching "Secret Budgets" in the next session of parliament. Impressed at his pre-decessor's technique of raising taxes to take effect at a future date without actually referring to them at all in a Budget Speech, he said it was the next logical step - just giving the speech to a few Treasury boffins and leaving them to collect the massive tax hikes without all that unpleasantness in the House of Commons.

* You were the young lady with the pink handbag on the 9-15 from Kings Cross last Tuesday. I was the guy standing behind you who squeezed into the over-crowded carriage just as the doors were closing. I'm really sorry for taking your purse. I had no idea how gorgeous you were until I looked at those photos - especially the one of you on holiday, lying on that beach. I don't care about the money, I'll happily give it all back to you (I'll even return the photos)... I just want to take you out for a drink (...actually, do you mind if I keep that one of you on the beach?) Adam.

* To the shaven-headed guy in the Denim jacket who sits next to me every morning on the 8-15 from Rayners Lane To Uxbridge. Can you PLEASE remove your belongings from my flat by this weekend at the latest!!! I should never have invited you to move in - it's bad enough sharing an office with you, let alone sharing my bed. NICKI

* Beckie!!! We danced into the early hours of Sunday morning last weekend at the Funky Chic club in Soho. You wrote your number on my arm but, annoyingly, I lost it on the way home. Do you think you could learn to love an amputee?

* To the stunning lady in the flowery dress who gets off at Watford Met station every week-day (I think your name is Samantha... or do you prefer to be called "Sam"? ...It's so hard to tell from your Facebook profile) I really hope the operation goes well next Friday (the doctor's notes look very promising - although of course I understand your concerns, after what happened to your poor Aunt Sue)... Don't worry about getting to the hospital, by the way, I've already programmed the route from your house to St Lukes into my Sat-Nav just in case you need a lift. I'd really like to get to know you better. ANON.

* To the gorgeous guy I met in Knightsbridge last Monday who had a spare ticket to see The Chemical Brothers on Saturday. Actually it looks like I WILL be free this weekend after all. Get in touch! Nicki.

* You were the awesomely stylish Sienna Miller look-alike on the 5-30 from Charing Cross to Camden last Thursday evening. I was the 48-year old stud-muffin sitting opposite you in the peach cardigan and lime-green corduroys, reading a book on self-awareness. We kept looking at each other. Fancy a drink? Or dinner? Or marriage?

We would like to apologise for misspelling the name of the leader of the Liberal Demoprats in yesterday's edition. We were of course referring to Nick Clogg, the well known Romanian clog-dancer.

Apologies to Mr Clogg and his party.

The global pop superstar Madonna today announced that her career was to take another of its sweeping turns as she reinvents herself for the new austere times in which we find ourselves. The queen of pop for over a generation, Madonna has tapped into and responded to the current social stream of consciousness and will be hoping to influence many of her lusty followers with her new hard-hitting dual message of 'make do and mend' and 'grow your own'.

Following widespread comments that 'It's getting a bit too much like watching your auntie dance' the pop goddess conceded she might be getting too old to get the timing right for previously effortless saucy numbers. So she has decided that her only props for her new worldwide tour will be a rocking chair and a pair of size twelve knitting needles with a bit of wool attached while she sings about global issues from a local perspective. 'Sure it's going to be more of a calm affair this time round', said one of her roadies, 'but thanks to that chair, she'll still rock.'

'I really used to fancy her,' said Dwayne Martin from Cardiff, now 36, 'but really I think the only way for her to reinvent herself at her age is to sit back in a comfy chair and witter on about how different 'it were in her day'. I don't think any of her fans would see it as anything but another wonderful artistic statement, and no-one in the world is immune to what Madonna has to say, as long as she says it with her legs open. Like this...' he demonstrated, helpfully.

Madonna herself was too busy brushing up on the various stitches required in the show to comment, but the show's producer Aaron Gay was hugely upbeat about the forthcoming tour. 'She'll start with a medley called 'knit one pearl one' with the entire troupe standing behind her seductively drinking cocoa. Then there'll be a series of fantastic numbers on the topics at the heart of people's souls including a ballad called 'I've got my pass, but woe, the bus is full'. If an encore is required, like, er, D'uh, she's got a great little ditty to finish off the evening called 'Be holey', which is a tender endorsement of her love of crochet.

The tour has already attracted huge numbers of fans wanting to share in the reincarnation of their favourite pop idol, although merchandisers at the show may be in for a bit of a shock. One fan who has grown up with Madonna from her early roots as a teenage sensation said, 'It'd be great to see a living legend in another phase of her artistic existence but the price of Madonna wool is just so exorbitant I mean if I go to John Lewis I can get ten for the price of one of hers and have you seen that scarf she wears she paid through the nose for it I wouldn't doubt but you think you're going to ever see me wearing one of those at that price? I should bloody well cocoa!'

A small village in South America was thrown into chaos when the local volcano unexpectedly erupted, devastating most buildings with an unstoppable lava flow. However, local officials were relieved to report no children died in the disaster.

"We've lost about two thirds of the village, including all our village elders," one of the inhabitants said, "but thankfully, no children were harmed." His neighbour concurred, saying, "I've lost my husband and my six brothers and sisters, but I'm just glad that my three year old son wasn't hurt."

Newspapers around the world are currently debating whether to report the event, as they are finding it hard to come up with a good headline. "I mean, normally we grab everyone's attention by putting something like 'Volcano Erupts, Five Children Dead," one editor said, scratching his head bemusedly, "but this time every child has survived. I mean, how are we supposed to report on something like that? It'd be easier to just forget about the whole thing."

Rumours that a journalist for one of the local newspapers tried to bribe one of the survivors into tossing one of the children into the still moving lava flow to get a better headline remain unfounded at this point in time.

Andrew Lloyd Webber’s TV search for Nancy was revealed to be the latest in a line of viewer phone vote rip-offs yesterday when 183-year-old Nancy Sykes was found alive and well and living in Loughton.

Far from missing, the sprightly cento-octogenarian has revealed that Lord Lloyd Webber has secretly consulted her on cockney etiquette throughout the series, relying on her shrewd east-end instincts make his weekly choice.

“I’ve got him hooked up direct to me hearin’ aid.” Mrs Sykes explained. “You can tell when I’m communicatin’ with him during the shows as his face goes all funny.”

She alleges that she and Lord Lloyd Webber first made contact in early in January when astonished programme researchers discovered that Nancy was not in fact lost, but living in a Publican’s Benevolent Association retirement village in Essex.

Unwilling to pull the plug on the show, the centrepiece of BBC1 Saturday Night schedule, Mrs Sykes claims that the Lord’s people “slipped her a monkey to keep stum.” Realising that her continued silence was essential to the success of the series, Mrs Sykes then contacted Lloyd Webber himself for further payments. She believes it was during their subsequent regular conversations that the theatrical impresario came to admire her authentic voice and value her judgement.

Asked why she has now come forward, Mrs Sykes says she was angered at last week’s decision when Lloyd-Webber ignored her advice in his earpiece and chose to save Niamh over Ashley.

“She’s a lovely lookin’ girl an’ all that, but I thought the big Scot was better in the sing off. I just saw red.” She says.

Viewers who have voted for their favourite Nancy over the last six weeks are reeling at the news of this latest viewer rip off.

“It’s a sham.” said one phone-voter yesterday. “I mean, we’ve been searching for Nancy and she’s been in Andrew Lloyd Webber’s right ear the whole time. It’s not right.”

Lord Lloyd Webber declined to comment yesterday, but an aide at his Buckinghamshire manor house commented that he thought his employer “might be feeling a bit of a Jessie.”

British Airways Chief Executive, Willie Walsh, has confirmed rumours of a visit to the Russian Federation to place orders for 2 of the country’s Ekranoplans.

Wash has explained that, with the further delays of the A380 to the BA fleet announced on May 13th, there is a necessity to speed up the upgrade of his fleet.

Walsh, who met with Minister of Defence Marshal Sokolov on Monday, explained that “The Ekranoplan will provide a fuel efficient and extremely fast method of transporting our passengers across long stretches of sea...it will replace all London-New York services from July 1st...we have clearance from both the British and United States port authorities to dock at Canary Wharf and on the Hudson”

Our survey has produced a vary of results; a Citigroup investment banker said the plan would cut his journey times and make his travelling that much more convenient seeming as the plan is to dock the plane next to Citigroup Centre in the Docklands. However, others cited that the decision is “disastrous” and will surely cause the demise of BA, especially after the lackluster performance over the Terminal 5 fiasco.

Ekranoplans were originally developed by the Soviet Union as very high-speed military transports, and were based mostly on the shores of the Caspian Sea and Black Sea. The largest could transport over 100 t (98 LT) of cargo. About 120 ekranoplans (A-90 Orlyonok class) were initially planned to enter military service in the Soviet Navy. The figure was later reduced to fewer than thirty vehicles, planned to be deployed mainly for the Black and the Baltic Soviet navies. However, the new Minister of Defence Marshal Sokolov has effectively stopped the funding for the program.

Virgin, American Airlines and United Airlines have refused to comment on their plans to introduce the planes, although Richard Branson was spotted shirking around the Ministry of Transportation in Moscow last month.

Nick Clegg, leader of the monster raving LibDems complained recently that he had been the target of a series of vicious slurs in the media.

"Someone went around saying I had slept with far fewer than the three million women I inadvertently admitted to in my recent TV interview and on another occasion I was said to have molested a neighbour's hamster." Nick (37) said that when he won Miss World he would like to travel more and join a sensible party.

Nick's press secretary is on holiday.

The government have disappeared into a hole in the ground. A police spokesman said they would be looking into it. Foul play was suspected but they had to interview the 65% of the population who had voted against them in the local Council elections.

Bert Cornell, a stallholder at Bethnal Green market, was condemned by critics for his decision to move away from the traditional roots of cockney slang and introduce new terms for everyday items that reflect modern tastes in poetry, and don’t actually rhyme.

“I’ve bleedin’ ‘ad enough of me old china this, and Adam and Eve that,” claimed Cornell. “When was the last time you saw anyone rhyming on telly since they got rid of that Pam Ayres bint? So instead of apples and pears for stairs, I like to say I’m just heading up;

The childhood hill of dreams, To the eiderdown oasis of peace, Far from the rumblings of discontent in the valleys of past generations, Still audible in the twilight of the landing.

“Or rumblings for short.”

Despite the outrage among urban historians, linguists and anthropologists, other stall holders have been supportive of Cornell, who comes from a famous family of unconventional cockneys — his parents were the only minimalist pearly king and queen in London, and were often seen dressed head to toe in black, with just one pearl button sewn into the lining of their jackets.

“They’re a funny lot the Cornells, but you’ve gotta live and let live, aintcha?” said Stu Belton, a greengrocer, “He’s got us all at it ‘ere, mainly ‘cos it confuses the Septics what come down with their Cockney-English dictionaries looking for an authentic East end experience. We give ‘em a bit of the old Hackney Haiku, make ‘em buy us a beer, then beat the crap out of ‘em round the back of the pub and nick their cameras. Lovely-jubbly. Now, ‘ave a butchers at these;

Apples of the earth? A strange fruit of tragedy, For Erin.

“Half a knicker a pahnd.”

Asked to comment on the growing controversy, Poet Laureate Andrew Motion said that the new slang offered evocative imagery, and a style redolent of the free verse of Auden, although he did add that he thought the market stallholders “sound like a right bunch of Berkeley hunts.”

Fred Flinstone interviews underway, Rubble aready selected.

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Noddy faced a second day of questioning today in the drugs scandal that has rocked Toy Land. As Noddy entered the court room, he covered his face with his hat and declined to answer Reporters questions.

The developments follow the arrests of Sly and Gobbo on Monday evening, and the questioning of Martha Monkey the following day. It is believed that the arrests relate to the original seizure of 100 ecstasy tablets from the grounds of Toadstool House on the outskirts of Toy Land.

Commenting on the developments, Mr Plod, the local policeman, advised that drugs had become a serious issue in the town in recent years. “It used to be just petty crime around here, the odd ice cream theft, flowerpots going missing and the like. But then the Night- Club came, followed by the Casino, and the drug-lords and gangs just took over”.

Crime has risen 20% each year for the last five years in Toy Land according to Town Hall statistics. Many consider the violent murder of Mr Sparks, the town’s Garage owner, in a drive-by shooting in 2003 to have marked the turning point. “He got involved with the wrong people” said retired local resident Big Ears “there were unpaid debts, and you just don’t get a second chance with these people.”

“Needles litter the streets” says local resident Tubby Bear, whose son Master Tubby Bear attends the local school. “They are openly dealing inside the school-gates, and there’s nothing Mr. Plod can do about it. These people don’t come from around here, they’re from Trumpton, Camberwick Green and as far a-field as Greendale.”

Noddy, who until recently ran a small local taxi business, is understood to have faced financial and personal difficulties in the last few years. His taxi business folded in 2007 following a serious traffic accident involving the Skittle family. Noddy paid undisclosed compensation to the Skittles in an out of court settlement. The court dropped charges on the understanding that Noddy would attend Rehab. His rehabilitation was short lived with his arrest six month later for allegedly punching his girlfriend, Ms Pink Cat.

In a hotly fought contest Tony Blair has been awarded the title “Best Ever Micheal Sheen.” Blair has now played the Welsh actor and former Mr. Kate Beckinsale three times on film and tv. “I guess I’m lucky that I look a bit like Michael and then, you know, I sort of played round with the voice until I got something reasonably convincing.”

Attendees at the star-studded event were treated to an extract from ‘The Queen’ where Blair brilliantly captured Sheen’s easy way with words in the wake of the death of the People’s Princess. “Acting’s in my blood” he said at the post show party, “and though it’s gratifying to win awards, at the end of the day, you know, I hope people think of me as a pretty regular guy...”

Hopes that Blair might take on the Sheen mantel a fourth time have been stymied by the actor himself. “In my business it pays to stay one step ahead. So my next film will be a complete departure. I’m going to play a man who saves the entire world before he’s taken to Heaven to sit at the right hand of God. I can’t wait. I think it’s a role I was born to play.”

In other awards, the veteran American performer, George W. Bush, was honoured for his moving portrayal of a brain damaged American President learning to speak all over again whilst talented TV thesp Michael Portillo picked up a Lifetime Under-Achievement Award.

Prime Minister Brown, once voted "most likely to throw his toys out of the pram" at his primary school in Auchthemoney, continued to reject calls for his resignation. "Crisis, what crisis?" he told the Commons. "This week's strategic policy re-think will become the defining moment of my premiership" he insisted. "We will provide a free postage stamp for every member of communities whose Post Office has been closed and build new eco airports to reduce methane emissions from harmful farming stock. As for taxation, he insisted there would be two new 5p tax rates to make up for the loss of the much praised 10p one. We still have plenty of ideas." he added.

Asked how it felt to be the most unpopular leader since Hitler, he assured the House that he had no intention of invading Poland - they were all coming to the UK anyway - and that he had been misquoted when he was supposed to have said that the British army would be in Iraq and Afghanistan until petrol duties were reduced.He had actually said that the troops would be recalled "when Hell froze over".

A growing queue of Labour backbenchers had formed outside the BBC last night, intent on maximising their own publicity with a personal attack on "old Brownie", ahead of the expected new leadership contest.

Asked to comment, Brown dismissed them as "rats deserting a sinking ship" and concluded that he was "proud of his record." Unfortunately his version of Ken Dodd's "Tears for Souvenirs" failed to chart.

A damming report from an independent agency setup to monitor charity collection in Britains cities has revealed that the stress caused by the armies of charity workers now exceeds that of the illness or social oppression that they are raising funds for.

The 430 page report detailed the guerilla tactics used to ambush credit card details of law-abiding citizens and highlighted the main 3 strains of operative threatening the publics health:

- Everyones mate; "Hey my man, shake my hand" This type plays on the publics own self-awareness to dupe the target into touching the charity worker, once contact has been made resistance is futile, the obligation to hand-over your hard earned money to your new ethically conscious friend is far too much even for socially aware healthy people.

- Capitalist reject; targeting office workers, this strain works by playing on the left-wing conscience inherent in most humans, the 40% tax payer that has joined the Free-Tibet FaceBook group and once gave the Tsunami fund a fiver.

- Pretty girl; The most disgusting tactic witnessed was the use of attractive students, commonly with dreadlocks and often barefoot. Most men over 25 are so overwhelmed with the fantasy that she is only approaching them because she finds them more attractive than the commission she'll get when they inevitably give her their sort code. However, the illusion is shattered by the report that reveal many of these girls drink WKD at the weekend and buy clothes from TopShop with their bonuses from frequently smashed monthly targets.

"25 years after 'Working With Fire and Steel' and we finally make it!" said the scally lead singer.

Chancellor Darling reassured voters in a high profile speech in a Motorway Service Station in Oldham yesterday by saying that he would "crack down" on the perception that everything was increasingly being taxed in the UK. "If need be these people would have their tax credits suspended", he added. Returning from an unscheduled comfort break at the Bide-a-wee Services, he denied rumours that his new "Keep business in Britain" thinktank was considering a new "oxygen" tax to hit manufacturing and leave those nice City chaps alone. He assured the crowd of six that they should watch his lips, there would be "no new taxes".

A prominent backbencher who happened to be passing, remarked that in any case they were unnecessary as they had passed a series of "delayed reaction" taxes last year which would see the party through to the next leadership election in June.

Secretary of State for Health, Alan Johnson, today announced government plans to add fluoride to a range of alcoholic drinks including Bacardi Breezers and Smirnoff Ice.

"We tried adding it to the water," said Mr Johnson in a press conference earlier today. "But it turns for that no-one under the age of 23 is drinking it."

"Our nation's youth have a serious oral health problem," he continued (to giggles from the gathered media). "But this initiative isn't just for them - it's also benefitting the dentists who have turned to drink after we couldn't afford to pay them." At this point there was a break in the conference while the minister took a swig from a WKD Blue and lurched sideways off the podium.

This wouldn't be the first time the government have considered measures such as these. In 2004, a parliamentary committee was set up to explore the benefits of adding cholesterol tablets to pies in Glasgow; while in 2006, shipments of cocaine had a decongestant added to aid cold symptoms in city bankers.

The move has already provoked anger from the manufacturers of the drinks. "I'm sick and tired of the government telling us what to do with our products," says the Managing Director of a major UK supplier, "First we're told not to market our products to children, now they're asking us to get as much to them as possible. I'd be more worried, but we've just scored a tie-in with the next Pixar film".

When asked whether this was another sign of the government instigating a 'nanny state', Johnson replied "Look, I bloody love you, mate," adding, "Seriously...you're my bestest..." before trailing off into a mixture of confused metaphors and angry sobbing.

In a bid to curb animal cruelty the RSPCA have set up a new website to “name and shame” offenders. www.worstpetownerever.org went on line last night and details many of the cases the Society have dealt with in it’s 150 year history.

A case from the 1950’s involved an Eileen Hubbard who, despite being a devoted mother to 14 children, tormented her pet Daschund, Susan, for over 7 years. Reports revealed how she would go to her cupboard while the dog was watching, shake her head and pretend that there was no food. In reality, she had shelves of pedigree chum which she used to feed to her children and gorge on while the dog was out for a walk.

A farm was closed down by the Society in the 60’s after staff uncovered five counts of pig abuse. “They were being sent all around the town” said an RSPCA Inspector, “the market and a resident’s house received a porcine visit”. The report goes on to detail another pig being force fed cow meat with another looking hungrily on. The 5th case which is of an intestinal nature has been sealed by the Society and will not be released until 2063.

A long talked about alleged case involving a lead of fishing wire in the mouth of a lamb by a little girl have so far not come to light.

David Williams

The village of Liddington-under-Lyme is still reeling after gruesome discoveries at the dwelling of one of their most prominent citizens.

Police have cordoned off the home of Mary Mary Quite Contrary after a tip-off from a neighbour. Eileen Perkins was taking afternoon tea with Miss Contrary when she casually asked her how her garden grew. She was left horrified by the response and immediately alerted the authorities.

Teams of Forensic, Antique and Seaside experts soon uncovered early examples of silver bells and cockleshells, but it was the lines of pretty maids all in a row that have sickened police and residents alike.

“She was always such a nice lady” said one local, “always eager to ‘elp at the village fetes, I just don’t believe it”. Another was quoted as saying “We’re really going to miss her jam this year”.

Mary Mary was at first willing to give a full statement to waiting journalists but changed her mind at the last minute.

David Williams

Sunshine and Moonlight likely to face trial. Jackson Five implicated in elaborate cover-up...

More soon

The latest Public Service sector strike action over pay and conditions came from the most unlikely groups of workers, NHS cardboard cut-out Nurses. These Nurses were introduced to remind visitors to wards to wash their hands before and after they leave, with an automated recorded message as they walked passed.

However, due to human staff shortages, the Nurses have been given extra patient responsibilities, such as giving patients’ bed baths and taking temperatures, by NHS bosses. One male patient said "the Nurses are doing the best they can in the given circumstances, but when they try to give me a bed bath they just go soggy. Besides, they're not the best conversationalists in the world "When I say 'Good morning Nurse' they just say 'Please remember to wash your hands'”.

Besides extra patient responsibilities the Nurses are reporting more attacks by drunken patients split evenly between those annoyed hearing "please wash your hands" messages every time walk past, and horny male patients who are trying to get off with the nurse who wears a sexy uniform. A Doctor who admitted to having a 3 month affair with a Cardboard Nurse said "my girlfriend has forgiven me. The nurse and I continue to work professionally. Besides I couldn't help myself, have you seen the uniform on that Nurse - cor blimey, ding dong!"

Outside Hospital gates up and down the country the Cardboard Nurses have set up picket lines without a burning fire to keep warm. "Well it's a Health and Safety matter, besides its summer we don't need the fire', before adding "Please remember to wash your hands".

A spokesperson for the Cardboard Nurses Union said "If the Government thinks that we'll accept the 1.5% over 3 years, is unacceptable." Health Secretary, Alan Johnson MP, said "I'd like to reassure the public that their safety is paramount and that there will be no shortage of Nurses during the strike. We already have initiated a contingency plan to recruit a number of cardboard nurses from the Philippines."

Other cardboard cut-outs are showing solidarity with the cardboard Nurses, a Police cardboard cut-out said "Unfortunately, we're not legally able to strike but we can work to rule."

The cut-out Nurses desperately need their working conditions and pay to improve as the Medical world is high pressure and fast moving. Some cut-out nurses who are unable to cope are taking drugs or try to get attention by cutting themselves.

if they don't start being nice.

International Rescue, commonly known as Thunderbirds, has announced that they are limiting their activities due to soaring fuel costs. "Given fuel prices are hitting $120 per barrel, and that our work is on a voluntary basis, we are having to limit rescue missions by only sending one Thunderbird craft," International Rescue said in a statement.

International Rescue has worldwide fame for helping people out of situations which they, more often than not, have been stupid enough to put themselves into in the first place. Their two most famous craft, Thunderbirds 1 and 2, are used in most rescue missions and come directly from International Rescue's headquarters, of which the location is unknown.

Thunderbirds analyst Jeff Thomas said, "The announcement suggests that International Rescue are embarking on a cost-cutting exercise. I would expect that aircraft fuel efficiency will be first on the agenda."

British Prime Minister, Gordon Brown spoke of his support for the Thunderbirds, "I have shown Britain that I can manage floods and terrorist attacks. I would urge International Rescue to contact us so we can help support them, and I can take the credit." Some columnists have even suggested that the PM might make fuel duty exemption for the organisation.

However, Greenpeace campaigners hit back at International Rescue for not taking more care over their carbon emissions, "Sending two aircraft for most missions is totally unnecessary, as is constantly visiting the space station. It's about time they thought about not only saving people but also the planet."

Man stunned to find Janet Street-Porter on doorstep

Prime Minister Gordon Brown has today admitted to an amazing list of mistakes. Aides say that this shows contrition after the local election results, and shows that Gordon Brown is a fully paid-up member of the human race and is, therefore, capable of feeling our pain.

The list of blunders includes:

• texting over 3,042 entries to an ITV phone-in, with the misguided aim of securing an award for Ant and Dec

• failing to use 242 clubcard points before they expired, in June 2001

• economising on the redecoration of Number 10 by re-using old wallpaper

• not noticing the rising cost of food and fuel, or public anger at tax rises

• suing The Daily Blurt over its now-infamous “Brown Trousers” headline

• ignoring all TV and radio interview questions and just reading out prepared statements like a robot

• pursuing Edwina Curry to join a ‘Government of All The Talents’

Gordon Brown believes that these disclosures will ‘clear the slate’ and that his victory at the next General Election is now assured.

Cocaine contaminated eggs from a flock of free range Columbian Black Tail Hens have been recalled by Waitrose Limited. The farm who supplied the suspect batch of eggs believe the hens were awoken in the middle of the night by a free rave taking place in a neighbouring field. The hens got off their perches and decided to join the party – fox or no fox. Apparently they then pecked their way through copious amounts of illegal mind-altering substances without a thought on the effect to the poor old human consumers who would be chomping on their eggs a few days later.

When interviewed. A spokes chicken for the flock said “Admittedly we are free to roam in this country but we really miss the home of our ancestors. A lot of the drugs we encountered at the rave were crap and cut with substances we didn’t recognise but we soon sorted the wheat from the chaff and found the genuine cocaine. After the weed, we got the munchies and proceeded to peck away to our hearts content on the white lines laid before us. We’re now recuperating because we laid a hell of a lot of eggs over the following few daze!”

It will cost an American - in America - just $279 (c. GBP143) to rent a dog for four days per month via Flex Petz USA. If you are British - in Britain - renting a dog for four days per month via Flex Petz UK based office will cost you GBP279 (c. $541). Perhaps the UK fees include return transatlantic air fares.

The American rent-a-dog company, Flex Petz, has decided to close its UK rent-a-moggy operation due to cats refusing to comply with their hire contracts (i.e. when the feline rental day arrived the cats disappeared and refused to come when called). All prepaid monthly membership fees will be refunded to those who were dumb enough to think that anyone could rent-a-cat.